Paper Mario and the Seven Star-Shaped Objects of Generic Power: DIRECTOR'S CUT!!

FORWARD by Key_of_Destiny0

Nearly 2 years ago, I had an idea. It was a simple one that I never believed would become anything beyond a slightly amusing topic on the Paper Mario: TTYD board that would soon be either moderated or forgotten. It was a brief skit in which Mario and Luigi toured Toad Town and realized how comically unrealistic the city truly was.

I mockingly titled the topic “Paper Mario and the Seven Star-Shaped Objects of Generic Power,” though I never intended to continue the story or actually have Mario collect the SSOGPs. The Toad Town tour received such positive feedback that I decided to continue the story for just a little bit longer.

The original plan was to cover each chapter in the matter of a few posts and have each battle won with very few attacks and some sort of absurdly unlikely way in which Mario achieved victory. However, with a moderation from the Paper Mario: TTYD board and the end of Chapter 1, I was running out of fuel. This was when I made a crucial decision: I made the story public so that all could contribute.

This was a terrible decision.

Just kidding, this was the best decision I could have made.

The readers from whom I had received such positive feedback enthusiastically made the story their own and contributed many hilarious plotlines that I never would have imagined. It was these many enthusiastic contributors that managed to finish this colossal: a more than 200,000 word Paper Mario spoof with a whole board of topics and contributors dedicated to its production. It could never have been a success without each and every contributor.

I may have been the original author of Paper Mario: SSOGP, but without everyone else it never would have been a success, and it certainly would never have resulted in a sequel! Credit is due to the amazing Paper Mario: SSOGP community which has been active and dedicated since the story began.

So I was thinking, “what’s the next step?” I toyed with the idea of a youtube series but the extensive amount of material would require many voice actors and a very skilled animator. I considered moving on to different stories or other projects, but always came back to SSOGP. It was such an ingenious story, but never quite perfected. The many contributors caused the story to be absolutely hilarious, but also have continuity errors and conflicts of writing style. It was time to perfect Paper Mario: SSOGP.

In this Director’s Cut, I have revised the story to solve continuity issues, grammar problems, and include many new jokes that surely make this version worth a re-read. It even contains brand new material such as additional Peach Sub-Chapters (because I’ve always loved doing those).

And now, Key_of_Destiny0 presents to the wonderful users of Pac-Man C64…

PAPER MARIO AND THE SEVEN STAR-SHAPED OBJECTS OF GENERIC POWER: DIRECTOR’S CUT
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NAVIGATION SYSTEM: New to the Director’s Cut, a navigation system! Using Ctrl+F (or whatever it is on Mac) you can easily find the various chapters of the story, or just read the Peach and Luigi storylines. This of course will not work very well on GameFAQs, but if you have the full document (which I can email to you) it will really come in handy! Here’s how the system works.

Each section of Mario’s storyline is labeled #.## The number before the period is the chapter number (Prologue is included in Chapter 1) with the two numbers afterward showing which section of the chapter it is. So, 1.01 is the first section of Chapter 1, 2.19 is the 19th section of Chapter 2, etc. If you want to jump to chapter 6 of the story, simply use Ctrl+F to find 6.01.

Each section of Peach’s storyline is labeled P.## Peach’s storyline isn’t divided into chapters, instead each section is consecutively numbered. So P.01 is the first Peach section, P.18 is the 18th section, etc. So, if you only want to read Peach’s storyline, you can read P.01 then use Ctrl+F to jump right to P.02 without having to scroll through a ton of pages or worrying about missing a part of Peach’s story.

Each section of Luigi’s and Bowser’s storyline is named like Peach’s except L.## or B.## instead of P.##

Each section also has a title that broadly summarizes what happens in the section. This way, if you remember what happened in the section but not where it was located in the story, you can use Ctrl+F to maybe find it!
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This is a story… about a man. This is a story…about love. This is a story… about the most tragic of tragedies, the most comical of comedies, and the most repetitive of all repetitions repetitively.

This is a tale. A tale of a faraway land with talking turtles, solid ghosts, and walking mushrooms. This…is a tale about life and death and love and hate and joy and sadness and cats and dogs and doors and windows and very long sentences that I am certain break quite a few grammatical rules.

This is a list. A list of things that are different about the Director’s Cut of Paper Mario: SSOGP…Grammar corrections, continuity fixes, new jokes, more laughs, a groovy navigation system, and a higher word count (the original was 218,000 words!!!)

This is a story about Paper Mario.
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1.01: Toad Town Tour

It is a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom; dark and damp, just right for fungi such as toads. Mario and Luigi head down the pipe outside of their humble abode and arrive in Toad Town.

Greeting Toad: Welcome to Toad Town! Have you been here before?
Mario: Of course I have! It’s a-me, Mario!
Luigi: And don’t forget Lui-
Greeting Toad: Oh well, I’m a greeting toad and my job is to give you a little tour. So even though you basically live here, off we go!
…
Toad: Here’s our first stop, the Toad Town Toad House.
Mario: What happens here?
Toad: Whenever you want to be healed just come inside, take a nap and you’ll be fully healed!
Luigi: But what about-
Toad: Any questions, Mario?
Mario: As a matter of fact, yes. How does sleeping instantly heal me?
Toad: Well, since you’re made of paper in this game our healing team uses many store-bought items such as tape, glue, computer paper, and of course scissors to make you good as new.
Mario: One slip of those scissors and I’m a goner…
…
Toad: This is the item shop. Here you’ll find an infinite supply of edible fungi, explosive flowers, and sugary syrups that will replenish your HP and FP. The shop owner’s storeroom contains a random assortment of pointless objects including a toy train.
Luigi: Ooh a toy tr-
Toad: Let’s keep moving to our next stop…
…
Toad: Here is the house of a famous wizard.
Mario: Merlin? Merlow? Merlon?
Toad: Nope, his name’s Merlog.
Mario: Never heard of him.
Toad: He’s really old and has a long beard and hides his face. It’s obvious that he knows very powerful magic and could own Bowser much more easily than you but since he’s lazy he’ll make you do it instead and occasionally give you a cryptic message that may or may not actually help you.
Mario: Sounds like a nice guy.
Toad: Nah, honestly he’s a real tool.
Mario: Why does the roof of his house spin?
Toad: MAGIC!
Mario: Oooh!
Toad: Actually, he keeps hundreds of hamsters on a giant wheel in his attic to power it.
Mario: That seems somewhat outlandish.
Toad: At least that’s what the rumor is.
Luigi: Or maybe he just-
Toad: Gotta hurry, we still have several more stops!
…
Toad: On your left is the dojo. The Dojo Master has a permanent case of the common cold but he’s so awesome that he’ll still own you unless you’re really good.
Luigi: Do you think I could b-
Mario: What do I get for beating him?
Toad: A diploma.
Mario: Like a college diploma?
Toad: Sort of, except this diploma is completely meaningless and has no practical use.
Mario: Sounds like a college diploma to me.
Toad: Hey, I graduated from Shroomtown University with a major in Touring and a minor in Stubbornness.
Mario: How could a minor in Stubbornness ever be useful?
Toad: I DON’T KNOW BUT IT WILL BE NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!
Mario: Oh, I get the joke.
Luigi: I don’t know-
Toad: Alright Mario we’ve almost finished your tour!
…
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Toad: This is where Tayce T. lives. Her whole house is a kitchen. She makes really good food but the only thing she uses when cooking is her frying pan. If that were to go missing there’d be no way for her to make any food. I still haven’t figured out how she needs a frying pan to make Koopa Tea…
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Toad: Here we are at Rowf and Rhuff’s Badge Shop! It’s not set up yet but later on they’ll sell badges.
Mario: What do badges do?
Toad: Did you not read the instruction manual before starting?? Using your BP, you can equip badges that give you special attributes or abilities. They’ll give you an advantage in battle because your opponents can’t equip badges.
Mario: Wait so if I’m the only one who can use badges won’t the Badge Shop go out of business if I don’t buy anything?
Toad: Uh…no idea. I knew I should’ve taken economics.
…
Toad: Here’s where you can make a herd of Lil’ Oinks. Each Lil’ Oink costs 10 coins. Once you get 10 Oinks an item will appear that you can go get.
Mario: So I’m paying 100 coins for an item and I don’t even know what it is.
Toad: Sounds about right.
Mario: That doesn’t seem to be a smart decision.
Toad: But they’re really cute!!!
…
Toad: And this is Peach’s Castle. It’s a castle. Where Peach lives.
Mario: Shocking.
Toad: Isn’t it pretty? You should enjoy it now in case Bowser lifts it into the air never to be seen again.
Mario: That would be quite tragic.
Luigi: Do you th-
Toad: Well that’s all for your tour! Enjoy the rest of your day at Toad Town!
_ _ _
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1.02: Peach’s Party

Dear Mario,

I know that I’m a rich, beautiful, famous, powerful, and most importantly SINGLE princess who lives in a ginormous castle, and you’re just a plumber who lives in a wood shack with 2 rooms, but I kinda like you. It may be because you’ve rescued me from a giant fire-breathing turtle countless times. Or maybe it’s the mustache. Either way, I’m hosting a big party tonight and I’d like to chat with you up on the highest balcony in the castle. It will be so romantic! Oh, and did I mention that I’m single? Just like you! What a coincidence!!! I’ll bake a little something and we can look at the night sky and you can look at beautiful me. It will be a night we’ll never forget and we can tell our children all about it later. OUR CHILDREN. How obvious do I have to make these hints for you to finally get a clue??? See you there. Or else.

Princess Peach

Mario: Ooh a party! I’m going to a party!!!
Luigi: I suppose I’m not invited.
Mario: I only wish the princess and I could take our relationship a step further. It’s obvious that she’s only inviting me as a friend.
Luigi: Uh, sounded to me like-
Mario: I’d better go get ready. I have the whole house to myself to prepare for the party!! No one here but me!
Luigi: …Am I wearing repel gel or something?
…
Mario arrives at the castle where he is greeted by Peach.

Peach: Oh, Mario! I’m so glad you’re here! We rarely get to spend any quality time with each other. Real, close, quality time... I baked you an apple pie because every time I make you a cake I seem to get kidnapped! Let’s go upstairs!

They climb the many staircases in the castle up to the very top floor.
Peach: Oh, Mario, isn’t the view wonderful from up here??
Mario: Uh, that’s a painting.

Peach is indeed staring at a painting of a forest hung on the wall.

Peach: Er, yes, I knew that. Let’s go to the balcony.

They walk outside onto the balcony.

Peach: I hope you enjoy the apple pie. I can give you a different kind of pie later if you want…
Mario: You made more than one flavor??
Peach: It was a euphemism!!
Mario: Euphemism? Is that a new kind of pokemon?
Peach: You’re ridiculous.
Mario: I’m so excited to chat with you up on the highest balcony so close to the sky and the clouds, and the stars. Like we’re hovering high up in the sky. It’s like we’re not even on the ground!
Peach: Oh I have a question for you. I heard this word the other day but I don’t know what it means. What’s foreshadowing?
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Abruptly, the ground begins to shake! The trees begin collapsing! And suddenly, Bowser flies onto the balcony in his Bowser-copter with Kammy Koopa at his side.

Bowser: Oh yeah! What now, princess? Your castle’s getting lifted into the sky atop my own much cooler castle. With fire and spikes and other junk like that on it!
Kammy Koopa: Meeheehee what an excellent job your Excellency!
Peach: How dare you, Bowser? Do I need to hit you with my golf club? I’ve gotten plenty of practice from playing Mario Golf for so many years.
Bowser: Mwahaha you seem to have forgotten that I was also in that game! Your golfing skills simply cannot compare to mine.
Kammy Koopa: So true, your Truthfulness!
Bowser: Kammy, you’ve never even seen me play golf.
Kammy Koopa: Er, yes, but I’m sure you’re amazing at it.
Bowser: I don’t pay you to blindly compliment me. In fact, I don’t pay you at all.
Kammy Koopa: My salary is your happiness, your Skillfulness. (Under her breath) And the money I steal from your wallet every Friday.
Bowser: Now to prove my point about how amazing my golf skills are, I will now smack Mario with my golf club and knock him off the balcony. Here I go!!! *whack!*
Peach: Noooooo!!! Mario!!!!!
Kammy Koopa: Excellent swing! Touchdown!
Bowser: I really need to teach you something about sports. You always embarrass yourself.
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I'm glad to be back! Nearly every section will have something new added to it, and there will also be some sections of entirely new material. I've really gotten way behind on 1337, so I don't know if I'll be contributing to it at all. My main focus will definitely be on this story.
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Lord_Ichmael posted...

I'm in the mood to start part 1 of the epilogue now... Unless key wants to do it instead. I'll step aside if so.

I had no intention of doing an epilogue so go ahead! I'll be really busy with this whole topic.
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