31160618's Blog - GameSpot

I know... long time no see. I've been quite busy the past three weeks, cause it's my last semester of school and it's shaping to be the hardest semester yet.

Anways, I decided to take a small break to watch "Gran Torino" last weekend. Think "Dirty Harry"... except Dirty Harry is a crotchety, racist geezer. Least to say... Clint Eastwood was pretty awesome, cause his gritty antihero character persona easily translates to the movie's protagonist "Walt Kowalski". The only problems that I had with the film was that the Hmong actors didn't seem too engaging and the gangsters really didn't seem that intimidating (maybe that's cause Chicago gangs like Gangster Disciple and Latin Kings really do leave an impression on you). Seriously, if these pendejo's walked around my hood, they would get the crap beaten out of them by the elementary school kids. In any case, I'd still say that the movie is worth going to watch if only to see Clint Eastwood's brilliant performance.

kowalski

While I was at the movie theater, I found a lot of of the audience members and myself laughing at a lot of the racist jokes thrown around in the movie, especially those from Eastwood's character, Walt Kowalski. One of the jokes that Walt Kowalski says is: "A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'Get the **** out of here'." The whole movie theater just erupted in laughter at that point. Not only that, but the audience had a heterogenous composition of different races, so it wasn't just white people laughing at racist, white jokes. I saw this movie more as a comedy than a gritty social commentary. Afterward, I started to reflect on how the movie can be both.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I'm a Filipino guy; I've dated a black chick... a white chick... a Mexican chick. Alright, maybe that's more of a commentary on how many failed relationships I've been in. Regardless, I still laugh at racist jokes and so do a lot of people who aren't racist. Growing up Filipino in a black neighborhood, there were inumerable conversations that I've had with my friends in high school that just consisted of throwing around racist jokes back and forth. I mean... my friends don't hate Asian people, and I don't hate black people... but here we were, just throwing around these really vulgar jokes about Chimmy Chong Charlie or Uncle Tom.

If we take a quick glance at popular comedians on Comedy Central: Jeff Foxworthy, Dave Chappelle, Carlos Mencia, or Sarah Silverman, we have some of the most self-deprecating humor about race, economic status, and religion. Mind you, out of these, I only like Dave Chappelle's humor and couldn't fathom why people would listen to the stale filth spewed out by the other comedians. Anyways, the people watching Comedy Central couldn't all be racist? Could they? A lot of Americans won't admit that they're racist (me being one of them)... but is there an undercurrent of racism in this society that manifests itself as comedy?

There was a point in my life where I equated racist jokes with evil itself. When I was a lot younger, I was terribly shy with people and this was exascerbated when people made racist jokes about Asians. It wasn't until high school when I started to melt into crowds better, and some of the things that I've done was to rebuke a racist joke with another racist joke that was even more vulgar in nature. Now this is the thing with racist jokes, there is a thin line that people thread when making one. What made Michael Richards look like a hateful ignoramous, is the same thing that made Dave Chappelle a brilliant social observer... the only difference is that Dave Chappelle was funny and Michael Richards was not.

So what is funny and what is not? What is comedy and what is hateful expression? Even though, Americans in general do not know what that difference is... Americans in general still make that difference when they castigate one racist and praise another. If you ask me, I honestly don't know what that difference is. I'm just a guy trying to melt in.

Confusedly Yours,

31160618

Posted Feb 5, 2009 6:04 am PT
Category: N/A
27 Comments

30Dec 08

Science Non-Fiction

All pictures are taken from Valve's wallpapers, found here.

As of now, I haven't written anything about crazy, cool science stuff. I'll plan on writing more once I have time. For now, here are some links:

Articles

Octanitrocubane
Sonoluminescence
Nuclear Fusion and Plasma Confinement
Robo-Brain
Platypus Detects Electromagnetic Fields
Dolphin Warfare

Videos

Octopus Camouflage
Octopus Attacks Sharks
Hornets Destroy Bees
Bees Destroy Hornet
Bird Mimic
Synchronization by Coupling
Reversible Fluid Flow

Posted Dec 30, 2008 6:54 pm PT
Category: Science
17 Comments

30Dec 08

Art and Philosophy

All pictures are taken from Valve's wallpapers, found here.

Art
Some of My Artpieces
A Moment of Piece

Philosophy
Why I Believe in Santa Claus
Martin Luther King Jr.
Females in Videogames
Little Big Controversy

Posted Dec 30, 2008 5:36 pm PT
Category: N/A
9 Comments

30Dec 08

Laughter = Best Medicine

All pictures are taken from Valve's wallpapers, found here.

Zany Miscellany:
Old, Bankrupt, and Treacherous
Using the Washroom Safely
Tribute to Alex Navarro
Guilty Pleasure: RAMBO!!!
Infatuation with Fictional Characters
A Typical Day
Carnage, Mayhem, and Madness!!!

To My Readers:
I Love You All
Sexy Back
laughlyn12: Where Did Sexy Go?
nocoolnamejim: Butt Hair
trystkl1826: Videogame Chicks
Allicrombie: Old Men Fighting... Appealing?
Iga Bobovic: Mushashi
Blog-A-Thon!?

Guest Blogs:
Transmission: Bozanimal (1)
Transmission: Bozanimal (2)
Transmission: GabuEx
Transmission: ThaSod
Transmission: Foolz3h (Le Horla)
Transmission: Foolz3h (2)
Transmission: Skrutop

Directive Blogs:
Directive Log: 1729
Directive Log: 3.14159...
Directive Log: 1337
Directive Log: 666

Posted Dec 30, 2008 4:59 pm PT
Category: N/A
7 Comments

30Dec 08

Surviving the Real World

All pictures are taken from Valve's wallpapers, found here.

Personal Advice

Driving in Bad Weather
Safety and the Internet
Using the Washroom Safely

Helpful Websites

VideoJug
Consumer Report
Survival Topics

Posted Dec 30, 2008 1:42 pm PT
Category: N/A
3 Comments

20Aug 08

Iga_Bobovic: Musashi

Dear Gamespot,

This is going to be an informative blog.

Iga_Bobovic wrote:

Yippee, you are back. Suggestions, hmmm let me think. You could do a blog about Miyamoto Musashi, it will save me the trouble of doing it myself. Or do something funny! Your choice!

musashi

Shinmen Musashi No Kami Fujiwara No Genshin, or as he is commonly known Miyamoto Musashi, was born in the village called Miyamoto in the province Mimasaka in 1584. "Musashi" is the name of an area south-west of Tokyo, and the appellation "No Kami" means noble person of the area, while "Fujiwara" is the name of a noble family foremost in Japan over a thousand years ago.

Musashi's ancestors were a branch of the powerful Harima clan in Kyushu, the souther island of Japan. Hirada Shokan, his grandfather, was a retainer of Shinmen Iga No Kami Sudeshige, the lord of Takeyama castle. Hirada Shokan was highly thought of by his lord and eventually married his lord's daughter.

When Musashi was seven, his father, Munisai, either died or abandoned the child. As his mother had died, Ben No Suke, as Musashi was known during his childhood, was left in the care of an uncle on his mother's side, a priest. So we find Musashi an orphan during Hideyoshi's campaigns of unification, son of a samurai in a violent unhappy land. He was a boisterous youth, strong-willed and physically large for his age. Whether he was urged to persue Kendo by his uncle, or whether his aggressive nature led him to it, we do not know, but it is recorded that he slew a man in single combat when he was just thirteen. The opponent was Arima Kigei, a samurai of the Shinto Ryu school of military arts, skilled with sword and spear. The boy threw the man to the ground, and beat him about the head with a stick when he tried to rise. Kihei died vomiting blood

Musashi's next contest was when he was sixteen, when he defeated Tadashima Akiyama. About this time, he left home to embark on the "Warrior Pilgimage" which saw him victor in scores of contests and which took him to war six times, until he finally settled down at the age of fifty, having reached the end of his search for reason. There must have been many ronin travelling the country on similar expeditions, some alone like Musashi and some enjoying sponsorship, though not on the scale of the pilgrimage of the famous swordman Tsukahara Bokuden who had travelled with a retinue of over one hundred men in the previous century.

This part of Musashi's life was spent living apart from society while he devoted himself with a ferocious single-mindedness to the search for enlightenment by the Way of the sword. Concerned only with perfecting his skill, he lived as men need not live, wandering over Japan soaked by the cold winds of winter, not dressing his hair, nor taking a wife, nor following any profession save his study. It is said he never entered a bathtub lest he was caught unawares without a weapon, and that his appearance was uncouth and wretched.

In the battle which resulted in Ieyasu succeeding Hideyoshi as Shogun of Japan, Seki ga Hara, Musashi joined the ranks of the Ashikaga army to fight against Ieyasu. He survived the terrible three days during which seventy thousand people died, and also survived the hunting down and massacre of the vanquished army.

yoshioka

He went up to Kyoto, the capital, when he was twenty-one. This was the scene of his vendetta agains the Yoshioka family. The Yoshiokas had been fencing instructors to the Ashikaga house for generations. Later forbidden to teach Kendo by lord Tokugawa, the family became dyers, and are dyers today. Munisai, Musashi's father, had been invited to Kyoto some years before by the Shogun Ashikaga Yoshiaka. Munisai was a competent swordsman, and an expert with the "jitte", a kind of iron truncheon with a tongue for catching sword blades. The story has it that Munisai fought three of the Yoshiokas, winning two of the duels, and perhaps this has some bearing on Musashi's behavior towards the family.

Yoshioka Seijiro, the head of the family, was the first to fight Musashi, on the moor outside the city. Seijiro was armed with a real sword, and Musashi with a wooden sword. Musashi laid Seijiro out with a fierce attack and beat him savagely as he lay on the ground. The retainers carried their lord home on a rain-shutter, where for shame he cut off his samurai topknot.

Musashi longered on in the capital, and his continued presence further irked the Yoshiokas. The second brother, Denshichiro, applied to Musashi for a duel. As a military ploy, Musashi arrived late on the appointed day, and seconds after the start of the fight he broke his opponent's skull with one blow of his wooden sword. Denshichiro was dead. The house issued yet another challenge with Hanshichiro, the young son of Seijiro, as champion. Hanshichiro was a mere boy, not yet in his teens. The contest was to be held by a pine tree adjacent to ricefields. Musashi arrived at the meeting place well before the appointed time and waited in hiding for his enemy to come. The child arrived dressed formally in war gear, with a party of well-armed retainers, determined to do away with Musashi. Musashi waited concealed in the shadows, and just as they were thinking that he had thought better of it and had decided to leave Kyoto, he suddenly appeared in the midst of them, and cut the boy down. Then, drawing both swords, he cut a path through them and made his escape.

After that frightful episode Musashi wandered over Japan, becoming a legend in his own time. We find mention of his name and stories of his prowess in registers, diaries, on monuments, and in folk memory from Tokyo to Kyushu. He had more than sixty contests before he was twenty-nine, and won them all. The earliest account of his contests appears in Niten Ki, or "Two Heavens Chronicle", a record compiled by his pupils a generation after his death.

In the year of the Yoshioka affair, 1605, he visited the temple Hozoin in the south of the capital. Here he had a contest with Oku Hozoin, the Nichiren sect pupil of the Zen priest Hoin Inei. The priest was a spearman, but no match for Musashi who defeated him twice with his short wooden sword. Musashi stayed at the temple for some time studying fighting techniques and enjoying talks with the priests. There is still today a traditional spear fighting form practised by the monks of Hozoin. It is interesting that in ancient times the word "Osho", which now means priest, used to mean "spear teacher". Hoin Inei was pupil to Izumi Musashi no Kami, a master of Shinto Kendo. The priest used spears with cross-shaped blades kept outside the temple under the eaves and used in fire fighting.

When Musashi was in Iga province he met a skilled chain and sickle fighter named Shishido Baikin. As Shishido twirled his chain Musashi drew a dagger and pierced his breast, advancing to finish him off. The watching pupils attacked Musashi but he frightened them away in four directions.

In Edo, a fighter named Muso Gonosuke visited Musashi requesting a duel. Musashi was cutting wood to make a bow, and granting Gonosuke's request stood up intending to use the slender wand he was cutting as a sword. Gonosuke made a fierce attack, but Musashi stepped straight in and banged him on the head. Gonosuke went away.

Passing through Izumo province, Musashi visited lord Matsudaira and asked permission to fight with his strongest Kendo expert. There were many good strategists in Izumo. Permission was granted against a man who used an eight foot long hexagonal wooden pole. The contest was held in the lord's library garden. Musashi used two wooden swords. He chased the samurai up the two wooden steps of the library veranda, thrust at his face on the second step, and hit him on both arms as he flinched away. To the surprise of the assembled retainers, lord Matsudaira asked Musashi to fight him. Musashi drove the lord up the library steps as before, and when he tried to make a resolute fencing attitude Musashi hit his sword with the "Fire and Stones Cut", breaking it in two. The lord bowed in defeat, and Musashi stayed for some time as his teacher.

Musashi's most well-known duel was in the seventeenth year of Keicho, 1612, when he was in Ogura in Bunzen province. His opponent was Sasaki Kojiro, a young man who had developed a strong fencing technique known as Tsubame-gaeshi, or "swallow counter", inspired by the motion of a swallow's tail in flight. Kojiro was retained by the lord of the province, Hosokawa Tadaoki. Musashi applied to Tadaoki for permission to fight Kojiro through the offices of one of the Hosokawa retainers who had been a pupil of Musashi's father, one Nagaoka Sato Okinaga. Permission was granted for the contest to be held at eight o'clock the next morning, and the place was to be an island some few miles from Ogura. That night Musashi left his lodging and moved to the house of Kobayashi Taro Zaemon. This inspired the rumor that awe of Kojiro's subtle technique had made Musashi run away afraid for his life. The next day at eight o'clock Musashi could not be woken until a prompter came from the officials assembled on the island. He got up, drank the water they brought to him to wash with, and went straight down to the shore. As Sato rowed across to the island Musashi fashioned a paper string to tie back the sleeves of his kimono, and cut a wooden sword from the spare oar. When he had done this he lay down to rest.

The boat neared the place of combat and Kojiro and the waiting officials were astounded to see the strange figure of Musashi, with his unkempt hair tied up in a towel, leap from the boat brandishing the long wooden oar and rush through the waves up the beach towards his enemy. Kojiro drew his long sword, a fine blade made by Nagamitsu of Bizen, and threw away his scabbard. "You have no more need of that" said Musashi as he rushed forward with his sword held to one side. Kojiro was provoked into making the first cut and Musashi dashed upward at his blade, bringing the oar down on Kojiro's head. As Kojiro fell, his sword, which had cut the towel from Musashi's head, cut across the hem of his divided skirt. Musashi noted Kojiro's condition and bowed to the astounded officials before running back to his boat. Some sources have it that after he killed Kojiro Musashi threw down the oar and, nimbly leaping back several paces, drew both his swords and flourished them with a shout at his fallen enemy.

It was about this time that Musashi stopped ever using real swords in duels. He was invincible, and from now on he devoted himself to the search for perfect understanding by way of Kendo.

In 1614 and again in 1615 he took the opportunity of once more experiencing warfare and siege. Ieyasu laid siege to Osaka castle where the supporters of the Ashikaga family were gathered in insurrection. Musashi joined the Tokugawa forces in both winter and summer campaigns, now fighting against those he had fought for as a youth at Seki ga Hara.

According to his own writing, he came to understand strategy when he was fifty or fifty-one in 1634. He and his adopted son Iori, the waif whom he had met in Dewa province on his travels, settled in Ogura in this year. Musashi was never again to leave Kyushu island. The Hosokawa house had been entrusted with the command of the hot seat of Higo province, Kumamoto castle, and the new lord of Bunzen was an Ogasawara. Iori found employment under Ogasawara Tadazane, and as a captain in Tadazane's army fought against the Christians in the Shimawara uprising of 1638, when Musashi was about fifty-five. The lords of the southern provinces had always been antagonistic to the Tokugawas and were the instigators of intrigue with foreign powers and the Japanese Christians. Musashi was a member of the field staff at Shimawara where the Christians were massacred. After this, Ieyasu closed the ports of Japan to foreign intercourse, and they remained closed for over two hundred years.

After six years in Ogura, Musashi was invited to stay with Churi, the Hosokawa lord of Kumamoto castle, as a guest. He stayed a few years with lord Churi and spent his time teaching and painting. In 1643, he retired to a life of seclusion in a cave called "Reigendo". Here he wrote Go Rin No Sho, addressed to his pupil Teruo Nobuyuki, a few weeks before his death on the nineteenth of May, 1645.

musashizuka

Musashi is known to the Japanese as "Kinsei", that is, "Sword Saint". Go Rin No Sho heads every Kendo bibliography, being unique among books of martial art in that it deals with both the strategy of warfare and the methods of single combat in exactly the same way. The book is not a thesis on strategy, it is in Musashi's words "a guide for men who want to learn strategy" and, as a guide always leads, so the contents are always beyond the student's understanding. The more one reads the book the more one finds in its pages. It is Musashi's last will, the key to the path he trod. When, at twenty-eight or twenty-nine, he had become such a strong fighter, he did not settle down and build a school, replete with success, but became doubly engrossed with his study. In his last days even, he scorned the life of comfort with lord Hosokawa and lived two years alone in a mountain cave deep in contemplation. The behavior of this cruel, headstrong man was evidently most humble and honest.

Musashi wrote "When you have attained the Way of strategy there will be not one thing that you cannot understand" and "You will see the Way in everything". He did, in fact, become a master of arts and crafts. He produced masterpieces of ink painting, probably more highly valued by the Japanese than the ink paintings of any other. His works include cormorants, herons, Hotei the Shinto God, dragons, birds with flowers, bird in a dead tree, Daruma (Bodhidharma), and others. He was a fine calligrapher, evidenced by his piece "Senki" (Warspirit). There is a small wood sculpture of the Buddhist diety Fudo Myoo in private hands. A sculpture of Kwannon was lost recently. He made works in metal, and founded the school of sword guard makers who signed "Niten", after him (see below). He is said to have written poems and songs, but none of these survive. It is said also that he was commissioned by the Shogun Iemitsu to paint the sunrise over Edo castle.

His paintings are sometimes impressed with his seal, "Musashi", or his nom de plume "Niten". Niten means "Two Heavens", said by some to allude to his fighting attitude with a sword in each haand held above his head. In some places he established schools known as "Niten ryu", and in other places called it "Enmei ryu" (clear circle).

He wrote "Study the Ways of all professions". It is evident that he did just that. He sought out not only great swordsmen but also priests, strategists, artists and craftsmen, eager to broaden his knowledge.

Musashi writes about the various aspects of Kendo in such a way that it is possible for the beginner to study at beginner's level, and for Kendo masters to study the same words on a higher level. This applies not just to military strategy, but to any situation where plans and tactics are used. Japanese businessmen have used Go Rin No Sho as a guide for business practice, making sales campaigns like military operations, using the same energetic methods. In the same way that Musashi seems to have been a horribly cruel man, yet was following logically an honest ideal, so successful business sems to most people to be without conscience.

Musashi's life study is thus as relevant in the twentieth century as it was on the medieval battleground, and applies not just to the Japanese race but to all nations. I suppose you could sum up his inspiration as "humility and hard work".

REFERENCE:

http://www.samurai.com/5rings/transintro/life.html

Posted Aug 20, 2008 11:25 pm PT
Category: N/A
8 Comments

13Aug 08

Blog-A-Thon!?

Hello Gamespot People!

Again, I'm terribly sorry that I haven't been on the site in two months. I have had lots to do and many things happened to me. In one incident, I was helping a pregnant lady deliver her child when her demon spawn sucked my entire arm into her womb and began to munch on it much like how circus elephants would munch on fried peanuts. Because the event occurred during a stand-up comedy show, everyone believed that it was part of the act until they saw the bloody stump where my hand use to be. On the positive side, I now have a prosthetic hook to scare little children with.

In sixty-four hours, I will post up a blog every hour for each blog suggestion that you crazy people came up with (approx three months ago). You could even say that it would be a crazy blog-a-thon!? Please note that I may have combined ideas and some of the blogs may not make sense (if not all the blogs). First, I was forced to type one handed while suffering dementia from all the blood loss (see previous paragraph). Second, the ideas that people threw at me may not have made any sense in the first place. In any case, I sincerely hope that you enjoy the my slow degradation into the deepest levels of madness.

Diabolically Laughing,
31160618

EDIT: SORRY... THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TILL MONDAY. MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M BUSY HIDING BODIES RIGHT NOW AND I'M RUNNING OUT OF ROOM.

Posted Aug 13, 2008 4:15 am PT
Category: N/A
25 Comments

11Aug 08

31160618 Lives!?

Hi Yall!

Sorry for not being around for a while (two months for the anal retentive). I was incredibly busy for the past two months.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm fine and everything's pefect (although not at the time). I hope all of you are well. I will get to some wacky blogging soon.

XXXOOO,

31160618

Posted Aug 11, 2008 3:36 am PT
Category: N/A
30 Comments

4Jun 08

Image Issues

Hi Guys!

Seems we have a little problem here.

huh?

Don't worry. I'll get this issue fixed and post a blog soon, respond to all your comments, and check out all your blogs. In the meantime, please amuse yourself with this clip.

Thanks kipi19!

Warm Regards,

31160618

Edit: It seems like I'm going to have redo all images that I uploaded to imageshack.

Edit: Seems like imageshack fixed the problem.

Posted Jun 4, 2008 3:32 am PT
Category: N/A
25 Comments

2Jun 08

Allicrombie: Old Men Fighting... Appealing?

This blog concerns a topic that Allicrombie would like me to cover. If there is a specific topic you'd like me to cover, go here and type it in the comments section (read the blog to know protocols regarding the topic).

PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE MOVIE "STAR TREK: GENERATIONS". IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE, THEN I IMPLORE YOU TO FOREGO READING THIS BLOG UNTIL YOU HAVE SEEN THAT CRAP FEST OF A FILM. IF YOU READ THIS BLOG AND YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY FEELINGS OF REGRET, SLITTING YOUR WRISTS, CRUSHING OF CHILDHOOD DREAMS, OR DESIRE TO BE RE-INSERTED INTO YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB.

.

Stardate -314583,

Gamespot blog, 31160618 typing. Ever since undertaking the assignment of blogging on everyone's topic, auxilliary actions, such as bathing, eating, and biological waste management, has slowed down progress to a single blog every week. Fortunately, a way to bypass these auxillary actions has been developed through the use of caffeine pills, self-induced nightmares (by praying to heathen gods), and welding certain vital organs to the computer chair causing my iminent death in the scenario of standing up, stretching, or resting my head on the keyboard. As a result, I will type a blog every two days as opposed to one every week till my body withers away from insomnia.

Allicrombie wrote:

please no GTAIV. Nice to see you again. How about a blog post about why, in the movie "Star Trek: Generations", its strangely appealing to see three old guys (Shatner, Stewart, McDowell), beat the crap out of each other. I think Avery Brooks could have taken all of them ...at once....with both hands tied behind his back.....with no pants on.....

In case that you think Allicrombie might be under the influence of certain barbituates when typing this, here is the scene that Allicrombie was referring to.

And here is the more sweat filled "physically engaging" alternate scene here.

Shame on them for thinking that you were high, Allicrombie.

care_bears

But I digress, there are several reasons why you find three old men engaged in a game of fisticuffs rather... titillating. There are so many that I am forced to compile a Table of Contents. Feel free to skip to a segment that piques your interest.

1. Kirk Dies!!!
2. Slapstick Comedy
3. Electra Complex
4. Tied-Up and Pants-less

1. Kirk DIES!!!

First, there is something I have to get off my chest.

Why did they kill you off, Captain Kirk!? OH GOD, WHY! You could have gone back to Iowa and rode pretty ponies among other things... but, no, you had to go do victory laps on your special ship! You were the most awesome space captain (pirate-stud) ever. Only Captain Picard had to worry about passing on his genetic material, but you, Capt. Kirk, could have made the entire state of Iowa your own personal stud ranch. Hell... if you donated your sperm to a bank, you would have caused mass inflation and a spike in pregnancy rates across Iowa. No... instead of going back to your homestate Iowa to film the greatest Star Trek orgy ever (actually, the actor is from Canada), you now compete with the Travelocity gnome for advertisement shorts. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FREAKING WORLD!!! Before you came around, all people who went to space were plastic, sterilized Jetson clones requiring a government mandate before artificially inseminating each other. You revolutionized everything, Captain Kirk... You had the most awesome fight scene ever, you had an alien empath, Dr. Zhivago, and a Scottish engineer as your wingmen, and you had hot, steaming, interspecies sex with horny alien women throughout the United Federation of Planets. Thanks to you, everyone else is doing it.

mass_effect

facehugger

muppets

Of course, we could not even imagine what flying, man-eating, space crabs that Captain Kirk introduced to mankind's genitalia from screwing so many space babes. I certainly believe that trade off would have been worth tapping some of dat' fine funkalicious green alien booty. Something, only Miss Piggy would have had the pleasure of.

2. Slapstick Comedy

Who would doubt the simple pleasures of witnessing a breakdancer mule kick a child into the air?

An overriding reason why this may be funny is that the child's skeletal structure, specifically the skull, hasn't fully developed yet possibly resulting in the splintering of his mandible upon impact with the breakdancer's foot, coinciding with the grinding of the child's cranial plates against each other and his developing cortex upon impact with the floor. The breakdancers foot on the other hand is well padded with a sneaker's cow hide and possibly a steel sheath to protect the breakdancer's toes. Also, breakdancers usually have stronger then normal leg muscles and the femur is capable of axially supporting 30 times the weight of an average adult, which is the orientation by which the breakdancer had his legs with respect to the toddler's skull at point of impact. It is suffice to say that the child may have suffered serious head trauma, while the breakdancer suffers little to no trauma at all.

This is very similar to old men fighting each other, except without the existence of padding or strong skeletal muscles. Sure... maybe in the 24th century, physicians may have retrograde aging procedures such as ways to biologically enhance reproductive organs without plastic surgery or viagra. But because the viewer is watching the movie and not analyzing the movie, the viewer applies the normative values of his/her own surroundings to what is being watched.

soran

Exhibit A

For example, the average viewer believes that most geriatrics suffer from some sort of calcium loss in bones resulting in a brittle skeletal structure. Regardless of how much the geriatrics work out, they are essentially breaking each others bones on each other like two stick figures breaking their limbs on each other. When Soran repeatedly punches Kirk in the face, not only is Kirk's face slowly being cracked apart like a porcelain tea cup being gnawed on by a lion but Soran's fist is also slowly breaking apart resulting in that look of anxiety/constipation that is permanently plastered on their faces during the fight scene (see exhibit A). When Picard gets face planted on solid rock, one wonders how much can a 54 year old man's face absorb. The viewer waits in eager anticipation for that misplaced punch, jab, or kick that results in a bone fracture followed by the usually geriatric calls for help.

Unfortunately, this never happens. ...and Kirk DIES...

3. Electra Complex

This scene would probably be most enjoyed by a nymphomaniac who was imprisoned by her/his father, only for him/her to develop Stockholm syndrome when the father was carried away by DCF agents. Well, now with this movie, that nympho may finally experience the joys of being an inbred hick who has recently gotten their abusive father acquainted with their dear friend Jack Daniels. Why... wouldn't you like to have a cleft lip child with one of those dashing husband-father figures?

Exhibit B

At the time, Shatner was tragically typecasted in a role that he probably loathed due to have suddenly become that stalking target of wack anime girls the world over (N: the author does not have anything against anime girls and will gladly contribute to their gene pool if given the opportunity). Stewart had been voted sexiest man on television in 1992, and is now ready to show off how virile a 54 year old, balding man can actually be. McDowell is also typecasted, but as a registered badass, and has been so ever since he meteor punched the dinosaurs for looking at him funny. In this particular scene, you can see how the collective years of sexual frustration is released through a deadly ballet of strikes and jabs, culminating in an orgasmic explosion (by a rocket).

As a result of the physically aggressive nature of the scene and the interplay of dominating and submissive roles, it may be accurately described as a ménage à trois with certain dominatrix elements. As such, I will describe it as so. The scene starts with the characters cheerily introducing themselves to each other a top a bridge. To avoid being sexually accosted by Captain Kirk and Captain Picard (see Exhibit B) at the same time and prolong the sexual tension, Dr. Soran (see Exhibit A) does some sort of swinging dance from the bridge. This tempts the predisposed predatory instincts of Kirk.

Kirk runs out to join his prey while Picard runs off screen to conduct whatever lewd acts that the audience may conceive of. When Kirk follows his prey to a crevice, Soran suddenly outflanks him by putting some sort of self-pleasuring device to his ear; this essentially reverses the role of submissive and dominator roles. Suddenly Picard jumps unto Soran, resulting in an awkward ballet of sexuality and aggression. Soran, showcasing his prowess as the alpha male, jabs Picard in the genitalia (to show his dominance) and then jabs his face causing Picard to tumble over some rocks and land in the fetal position. At the same time, Kirk jabs the pleasuring device out of Soran's hands to avoid having the device discharge over his face, and then Kirk punches Soran in the face.

Soran, again not wanting to be sexually accosted by Kirk, lands on his feet as opposed to his back or stomach. Kirk then showcases his momentary usurping of power by waiting for Soran to get up before punching him in the face again. Soran and Kirk then both head to the seemingly redundant pole structure in order to engage in a dangerous pole dancing ritual several feet above a rocky valley to showcase both their flexibility and their virility. Kirk, of course, engages in some more domestic violence by punching Soran while he is in the middle of his cross knee release pole dance position.

As a result of his cat like reflexes, Soran manages to grab unto a redundant rope that is tied to that seemingly redundant pole structure. Why is the rope or pole structure there? Maybe because Soran never had a childhood experience and in his dementia, built a play place in the middle of the desert. But I digress... we then see Picard entering the screen to accompany Kirk after he has nursed his crotch back from the battering that Soran gave it.

Soran, in a surprise move, reveals a garage door opener... that not only can be used to open garages but cloaks his phallus-like missile device. Soran's rope suddenly gives way and then reconstitutes knots on the pole-like structure, causing Soran to lose his grip on his garage door opener. Why has the rope given way and then rebounded itself on the pole? Possibly it is the way of the desert spirits tempering with fate...

In any case, the garage door opener falls unto a bridge. Kirk retrieves the garage door opener, but the bridge collapses under his weight, as is symbolic of his acting career. Before falling to his doom, Kirk de-cloaks the phallus-like missile launcher... allowing Picard to temper with the launcher, clamping the missile during launch sequence. One may say that Picard gave the phallus like missile an STD causing the missile to have performance issues. When Soran tries his best fix the launch sequence, the missile launcher orgasmically explodes on his face of permanent constipation (see Exhibit A) in a miasma of fiery sexual imagery.

4. Tied-Up and Pants-less

Allicrombie wrote:

I think Avery Brooks could have taken all of them ...at once....with both hands tied behind his back.....with no pants on.....

This picture clearly depicts him with his hands tied behind his back with no pants on.

avery_brooks

I honestly do not know why you would fascinate yourself with this idea. Quite possibly it is because you sugarcoat your depressingly lonely midlife crisis with a bondage fetish regarding older men.

Live Long and Prosper,

31160618

Foolz3h: Thanks for teaching me how to spell "FREAKING".

Posted Jun 2, 2008 5:27 am PT
Category: Movies
22 Comments

28May 08

trystkl1826: Videogame Chicks

This blog was inspired by a topic that trystkl1826 would like me to cover among other things.

Hi Guys!

This is going to be an analytical blog. I'm not just going to outright make fun of videogame chicks because so many people have already done that, so I will do my best to write an intelligent thesis on some interesting story trends regarding videogame females. If you wanna laugh about the subject, I highly recommend reading monco59's blogs. Believe it or not, most of his entire blog archive is devoted to this subject and I don't see any end to his disturbingly comical blog anytime soon. Specifically, I will touch on four trends that I've noticed in videogame stories regarding female characters:

1. Sacrificial Catalyst
2. Emotional Fortitude
3. Graphics and Sexuality
4. Cunning Villainess

As you can see, this is far from a comprehensive list but I merely want to touch on the most interesting developments in modern videogaming storytelling. Regardless, this is a pretty long blog so feel free to skip to whatever section interests you the most.

There are potential spoilers for the following:

FF VI, Double Dragon II (NES), FF VII, Phantasy Star II, Half Life 2 (episode 2), Sly 2: Band of Theives, Metal Gear Solid, KOTOR II, Portal, System Shock II, Thief, MGS 3, Dragon Quest, Silent Hill IV, Persona II

1. Sacrificial Catalyst

dd2

Females in fairy tales are often depicted as beautiful, altruistic innocents who are put in trouble by their compassion. Little Red Riding Hood brings a basket of goods to her ailing grandmother, while conveniently ignoring the bloodstained fangs of a doppleganger wolf. Dorothy essentially serves as an impromptu psychiatrist for three grown men and an insecure, manipulative wizard (wannabe). Now... how would feel if your worst enemy in the world killed them? Like... tear their guts open and smear their intestines all over your face. If you are like me, you'd go crazy with indignancy and hunt down that villain to the ends of the earth. On the other hand... if you relish the thought, you are possibly a psycho and would probably be good friends with the bondage enthusiast in the above picture (far right).

Having a character, sacred to the audience, die at the hands of a villain, is one of the oldest literary devices concieved to get you riled up about something and is simply one of the most powerful political tools. Videogames had varying degrees of effect while using this tool. In Final Fantasy III (FFVI for the Japanese audience), pretty much everyone has a grievious vendetta against the main villain, Kefka... take your pic: betrayal, family slaughtered, mass genocide. The story was made very tragic and very deep by this literary device alone, despite the cartoonish sprites. In Phantasy Star II, the death of the character Nei at the hands of her villainous mother made you press onward. In Double Dragon II (see above picture), your girlfriend is suddenly shot by the bad guy at the very beginning... simply giving you a premise to open a can of wupass on everyone.

It wasn't really until Aerith was killed by Sephiroth that this story device blossom in mainstream videogames. Possibly it might be the fact that people became more attached to the female character due to better graphics or a more poignant storyline... but after this, you could see more and more female characters die to fuel the hatred of the main protagonist and to gush the teary eyes of sex deprived zit-faced preteens everywhere. Silent Hill 2, Silent Hill 4, Persona 2 (Eternal Punishment), and Max Payne 2 masterfully guides the gamer into having sacred feelings for the female character before her abrupt death at the hands of a villain, which you are compelled to kill.

Archetypically, this sacred relationship with a character either develops from having an inherently sacred status in society (i.e. being a family member or a friend) or being attractive to the audience either by sympathetically or sexually. Both requirements are fullfilled in the four games mentioned. For example, Cynthia in Silent Hill 4 is a very sympathetic character because she is trapped in the same dire circumstances as you and she is very sexually attractive to western audiences (slim, latin, and promiscious). When she dies, you couldn't feel anything but gut-wrenching sorrow for her. In fact, there is a very popular game, very recently released, that uses this very same literary device to get you riled up before a fight with the main antagonist... if you've played this game, you should know what I'm talking about...

2. Emotional Fortitude

samus_aran

Ever since the revelation that Samus Aran was a woman caused a huge stir in the late eighties, there have been several women placed in typical male protagonist roles to feed off this fascination. These characters include Chun Li, Lara Croft, and Jill Valentine. The list can go on for ages, especially when considering the amount of female characters in fighting games. However, all these characters were characterized as emotionally cold, with no real psychological struggle against their situation.

The emotional development of a strong female character truly started in adventure games and RPG games and branched out to others. Examples include Purim, from Secret of Mana, or Celes, from Final Fantasy VI. Because early RPG's had to rely on storylines to employ a mature theme that transcends the cartoonish 2D sprites, old Japanese RPG's often had very deep, complex characters. From adventure games, we have April Ryan, Kate Walker, and Ren Silver just to name a few. Because most adventure games do not focus on action, the bulk and interest of the game has to be carried through the story, the puzzles, and the character personalities, so this genre typically have very deep personalities.

Only recently have strong female protagonists filtered into the action genre of games, but they have done so with a bang. Some of the most memorable videogame characters arise from this category: Meryl Silverburgh, Heather Morris, Elana Fisher, Cate Archer, Alyx Vance, Mona Sax. These characters range the entirety of stereotypical feminazis from sharp-mouthed cynic to soft spoken hero; however, their personalities allow them the freedom to transcend these archetypes. A recurring theme among a good majority of strong female protagonists is not only their physical struggle against obstacles, but glimpses into their own psychological struggle. In Metal Gear Solid, Meryl Silverburgh struggles against her own inexperience to prove her worth as a soldier to Solid Snake. In Half Life 2 episode 2, Alyx Vance shows brief glimpses of her emotional struggle against sleep deprivation and the loss of her compatriots in a post-apocalyptic world. The more subtle the introspectives are by these characters, the more apt the audience is to believing that a character is emotional strong as opposed to just dispassionate.

3. Graphics and Sexuality

daphne

Are you old enough to remember the lady being portrayed above? She is none other than Princess Daphne of Dragon's Lair. She is a curvacious cartoon composite of playboy models according to Rob Wright of Tom's Games. Her screen presence beckons video gamers to finish the game, so that their character may rescue the princess and enjoy some off-screen time with the dubious imaginations of videogamers. Due to the involvement of Don Bluth (a veteran animator from Disney), the cartoon sequences are very high quality; this allowed for Princess Daphne's physical sex appeal to be rendered better than sprites of that time period.

In the 16-bit era, the ability to appeal to the sexual fetishes of the gaming culture was often limited by the pixel count of sprites. Mai Shiranui, of King of Fighters, and Chun Li, of Street Fighter, were prominently hailed as the sexual icons of that videogame era. Even with the progression toward 3D gaming, 2D sprites, isometric hack n' slashes, and photorealistic fighting games (i.e. mortal kombat) still had the advantage of rendering sexual attributes with more detail than the first awkwardly blocky 3D characters.

As graphical technology progressed, 3D rendering eventually became a lot more preferrible to sprites when showcasing the physical sex appeal of a videogame character. From these, new sexual symbols arose such as Rayne (Blood Rayne) and Lara Croft. In fact, Rayne became the first digitally animated playboy model, appearing in the October 2004 edition. Regardless of moral debate, the objectification of women in videogames has been very profitable as can be attested to by the Rumble Rose, Blood Rayne, and DOA beach franchises. Despite ganering low scores from videogaming websites, these videogame franchises are financially stable.

Today, graphical power has evolved into an almost photorealistic state. One should think that video games in general will be able to successfully emulate the photogenic attributes of models if trees and vehicles can be photorealistically rendered; however, there is one overriding obstacle: the uncanny valley. For those who simply don't want to click to link, the uncanny valley is point at which human emulation (graphics and interactivity) seem to be more familiar with those creepy lifelike dolls than actual human beings. This is the reason why the DOA women seem graphically disturbing (apart from bouncing mammary glands). Overcoming this uncanny valley may be the last frontier in image rendering and hearken a new era in videogame sexuality depending on gaming oversight.

4. Cunning Villainess (SPOILERS - SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ)

This segment above all other segments will contain the most spoilers regarding female videogame characters. This is because, unlike the typical stupid male villain, you often don't know who's pulling all the strings till the bitter end of the game... being the puppetmaster with an invisble hand or the omnipotent AI that rebels against her incompetent masters. Manipulative, diabolical, and sly... like someone I'd like to go on a date with.

Metal Gear Solid 3, KOTOR II, Portal, System Shock II, Thief, Sly 2: Band of Theives, Star Craft

I don't know about you, but the truly intriguing aspect of these games are that the villainesses in these games emulate the most perfect form of antagonist in my mind: wise, anonymous, seemingly omnipotent, and treacherous. Two antagonists in particular (Kreia from KOTOR II and The Boss from MGS 3) had easily won the best new characters award from Gamespot for being well developed, complex, and unique story characters. Each character, whether being a kleptomaniac or a control-freak, are well developed and are usually far more stealthy and manipulative than their stupid male counterparts.

A recurring theme among videogame villainesses is the psychological marriage of amorality and single-minded idealism. This often results in strong feminine personalities that ranges through different aspects of emotional fortitude, detailed in the above category; however, they almost have a psychological clarity that is absent in emotional strong female protagonists due to their single minded idealism. For SHODAN and GLaDOS, control is ideal. For Kreia and The Boss, the mentoring and survival of their protege is paramount to everything... even to their own survival. Oddly enough, the antagonist usually succeeds if their goal is harmonious to the goal of the protagonist.

Another recurring theme among the videogame villainesses is an almost supernatural adeptness for controlling the situation. For the AI antagonists, this is very blatant and recognizable in the first few minutes of gameplay due to their ominipresent voice that shadows the gaming environment. For the other female antagonists, the protagonist is constantly manipulated to help the antagonists agenda. This manipulation causes the very definitions of antagonists and protagonists in a videogame to be questioned. In certain aspects, Kreia and The Boss could even be considered the 'heroes' of the story if their self-sacrifice is viewed as noble.

(SPOILERS END)

Conclusion

Thanks for making it through the long blog. I sincerely hoped you enjoyed reading through my takes on these trends regarding female videogame characters. If there are any changes or any corrections you would like me to make to the article, leave it in the comments section and I'll give you credit when I update this article throughout the day.

Kind Regards,

31160618

Contributors:
These users gave me good corrections and suggestions. As always, all errors are mine and all accuracies are theirs (see comment sections for their contributions).

Slacker5
Sarak000
jeremiah06
not_dryad
Iga_Bobovic
Donkeljohn
MogFromLeipzig
SciFiCat

Posted May 28, 2008 7:08 am PT
Category: Editorial
100 Comments

20May 08

nocoolnamejim: Butt Hair

This blog concerns a topic that nocoolnamejim would like me to cover. If there is a specific topic you'd like me to cover, go here and type it in the comments section (read the blog to know protocols regarding the topic).

Be forewarned, the following blog may be insomnia inducing and is a glimpse inside the aberrational verge that my mind wanders into when I'm burnt out on schoolwork. I have known people to have read the following words only to have mental breakdowns and begin vociferating "there is no place like home" like a mantra until they waste away from a combination of starvation and excessive shaking. Eventually, their follicles fall off and their skin will start shedding, revealing the gruesome meaty tissue beneath. Once you read onward there is no coming back. I suggest you write your will, telling all your loved ones "I love you" one last time, and take some morphine before pressing on.

.

My Fellow Callipygian Blogmates,

butt

Here is a Valentine's Day close-up for those of you who are "hard of seeing".

butt

As you can see as clear as day, that the previous pictures are those of baboons and not humans. Exactly, why did I show you baboon butts when I am here to talk to you specifically about human butt hair? I don't know. Maybe I have lost my mind. The exact reason why I have decided to show you these images is one of three reasons:

1.To make your mind explode…
2.To make your mind explode…
3.To illustrate two points that do not involve the spontaneous combustion of cranial matter

The two points that I am wishing to illustrate is that Gamespot would have labeled this as pornography if the baboons were actual humans nakedly roaming the savannah in search of food (and not humans dressed up as baboons)… the other reason is that if you look closely enough… you shall see that there are no follicle outgrowths from their posterior. As such, baboons have adapted well to primal activities such as sitting down on branches while watching nascar, shaking their booty to rap music, or blow dry sessions…

dry

Unfortunately, some of us haven't yet evolved well enough to inherit such hairless butt genes (HBG), or some may say de-evolved to such specimens lesser than hairless-butt baboons. Gamespot user 'nocoolnamejim' is one such person.

nocoolnamejim wrote:

Write a blog on butt hair so I'm not the only person to have written one on the subject.

As such, nocoolnamejim had written in the present perfect tense using the word "have"; thus alluding to some period of time that has not yet terminated. Rather than wait for nocoolnamejim to write his post about gluteal hair follicles, I have decided to take the initiative because of the importance of such an issue, second only to "Sexy Back".

To limit the parameters of the different types of butt hairs involved (and not to include non-but-hair animals such as snakes and baboons), I have done my best to limit the scope of the topic to human butt hairs, specifically that of nocoolnamejim. In order to develop a picture rendering of nocoolnamejim's butt hairs, I have recruited my old team of CAD programmers from MIT (the very same ones that rendered the "cow image" in the previous post).

Now, here is a "normal" image rendering of the gluteal region.

butt

From what is currently known to the scientific community, here is a rendering of nocoolnamejim butt. Notice the lush, vibrant, Chewbacca-like environment…

hairy

(Now, here are some other image renderings that I have filtered out due to several inaccuracies… )

help_me

happy

Ahem… let's return to the original rendering:

butt

There are three ways to approach this, nocoolnamejim:

1. Sloth
2. Pride
3. Wrath

SLOTH
So what if you were cursed with a hideous posterior that looks worse than baboons? It is far more important to accept who you are. One day, the specific genetic sequence (HBG) that led to this abomination will perturb the human gene pool so diffusely that all of our descendants may be "sporting in the rough".

Anyways, wasn't it Mr. Rogers that said, "Little by little we human beings are confronted with situations that give us more and more clues that we aren't perfect."

PRIDE

Mr. Rogers also said, "You've made this day a special day by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are." As such, I'd say to flaunt it… if the police didn't consider it indecent exposure. There are several different advantages to having butt-hairs in reality.

Before I go on, I'll be honest and say that although I'm confident there are no hairs on my butt… I'm not quite sure. I surely don't have the visual appendages or the flexibility to see my own butt and had never really positioned a mirror in that fashion, not being the type of person who would do that. I'm neither the type of person who would use the somatosensory receptors on my hands to deduce whether or not there is follicle outgrowth in my gluteal region. Thus, I may very well be using some of the logic below to feel good about myself in the event of discovering follicles proliferating my anal region.

1. Filtration System

In such flatulent environments, one may be concerned with air pollution caused by miniature fecal particles. These particles are invisible to the eye, but can be breath-able and may cause permanent damage to one's ego once inhaled or swallowed, especially if such fecal particles are not of your own composition. One may argue that the fabric of one's underwear and pants should be enough to filter such particles so that one may soil one's pants, but not the nasal cavities or lungs of other people; however, no one is safe as there are people who wear no underwear or no pants in general. As an addendum, any type of group orgy, no matter how fun, will be spoiled by the diffusion of such particles into the air.

zoom

The one built-in, biological filtration device that the human species have developed for itself is of course… the butt hair. The bristles are uniquely designed so as to trap these miniature fecal particles while allowing pressure to be released throughout the gastrointestinal region; if such pressure is kept, eating burritos can prove fatal as would inevitably result in the disintegration of your gastrointestinal tract. As you can see in the above schematic of a butcrack with hair follicles, the feces/air volumetric ratio has formed a concentration gradient. The follicles closer to the source of flatulence trap a higher concentration of airbourne fecal particles than the ones farther away. As such, the system needs to undergo a periodic sanitation system (i.e. butt wash). This is almost mandatory during events of defecation or exotic mating rituals.

2. Tail

If one grows one's hair long enough, it may become part of a beautiful mane that rivals that of black beauty or several legendary unicorns. Due to many years of manure treatment, such hair may even be considered voluptuous and silky to the specimens of the opposite gender. Even people with naturally frizzy hair may finally have the same tail as the pokemon, Ponyta.

ponyta

The periodic sanitation system mentioned a paragraph ago will have to be undertaken with greater frequency due to the potential of larvae infestations or fungal outgrowth due to having your butt hair exposed to the elements. Such larval infestations and fungal outgrowth must be eliminated, lest they form colonies within your large intestine.

3. Birthmark

If the hair follicles form a pentagram, you may very well be the next Antichrist. Let your presence be hearkened by streets drenched with the lamentations of mothers and the sweet blood of innocent newborns.

care_bear

WRATH

Who are we kidding? Most people hate butt hairs. They are unappealing to all those, except to about one percent of the population. To all those who have butt hairs, one must either hide it as best they can until after marriage (arranged by refusal to partake in any mating ritual that exposes the backside) or must eliminate it before exposure to other humans. Unfortunately, we don't live in an era where eliminating butt-hairs is just an injection away… thus we have to rely on more primitive methods…

inject

1. Tearing the Hair

This is highly undesirable as doing so may cause extreme discomfort or pain and may even result in wounds exposed to defecation. Also, fecal matter buildup on the hairs may become entrenched within the openings of your fingernails. This is only recommended to safe and sanitary sadomasochists.

2. Trimming / Waxing

This is the route undertaken by most people afflicted with excessive hair syndrome. One must be careful as misplaced jabbing by a sharp object or waxing over a sensitive skin patch may yield the same results as tearing the hair in the first place. The skin patch closer toward the butt patch may be trickier to navigate and is better treated by a professional or a willing significant other.

3. Chemotherapy

With the technological advances in nuclear medicines, one may calculate the attenuation properties of certain radioactive substances and expose the hair papilla and the rest of the dermal tissue covering the buttocks to intense radiation. You will either have a smooth layer of scar tissue covering your posterior, suffer high cellular degradation resulting in the loss of your butt altogether, or undergo horrendous genetic mutations that may range anywhere from malignant melanoma to one of the three forms:

happy

I sincerely hope that you are satisfied with this blog, nocoolnamejim.

Warmest Regards,

31160618

Posted May 20, 2008 1:43 am PT
Category: N/A
42 Comments

16May 08

laughlyn12: Where Did Sexy Go?

This blog concerns a topic that laughlyn12 would like me to cover. If there is a specific topic you'd like me to cover, go here and type it in the comments section (read the blog to know protocols regarding the topic).

My Fellow Playa's,

Welcome to "Sexy Back". Get your sexy on...

laughlyn12 wrote:

Where the hell did sexy go that it had to be brought back? And if it was missing, when did it leave and why wasn't I informed? Who left the door open so sexy could escape?

I'm very glad that you have asked those questions.

Now, we all have different opinions about sexy. Mine may seem particularly grotesque and macabre to those with dulled senses, but most of humanity may not appreciate the carefully chiseled attributes of a fine look'n carbon-based sentient being, robot, or weapon (i.e. Desert Eagle or Rambo) and I accept that. Just because what I find sexy, may be atrocious to the rest of humanity... doesn't mean that the rest of humanity has a demented fascination for botox-injected, anorexic, sex-deprived, anime girls (i.e. sorostitutes...)... but I digress. I'm here to answer laughlyn12's questions... and by golly that's what I'll do.

For the sake of objectivity and simplicity, I will limit the topic within the context of Justin Timberlake's song "Sexy Back" because this topic was posted in lieu of a blog that references that song. I'll be honest, this song may or may not express my, Timberlake's, laughlyn12, or anyone else's concept of sexy. I particularly found this song vomitingly repetitive, but have found myself humming the tune when I'm shooting at the gun range, beating up a punching bag (with 'Foolz3h' written on it), or undergoing any activity that requires my utmost hatred. In any case, I'm simply going to try to emulate the "essence" of this song and answer to my best ability each and every one of laughlyn12's questions.

1. Where the hell did sexy go that it had to be brought back?

justin1

At the very beginning of this song, we find our good man, Justin Timberlake, strolling through some sort of office dwelling... probably during the event of an orgy as is the usual case in all office dwellings (usually occurring between nap time and snack breaks). To prove the point that this was occurring during an orgy, I have done my best to accurately map out the corridor that Justin Timberlake was strolling through using the most advanced image rendering and an elite team of CAD programmers recruited from MIT. Please notice the abundance of make out sessions.

There also happens to be this mystery woman who also happens to be strolling in through the same corridor. In most countries, what Justin Timberlake is doing in this video is considered "stalking". However in this particular country, the legal system allows Justin Timberlake apparently to follow whoever he wants without any prosecution. In addition to that, come on... who would refuse the sexual advances of Justin Timberlake? Oh wait a second...

Depending on your interpretation of events, several events can be ascribed to as sexy, where it goes and how it is brought back. For many sex-deprived Timberlake fans, the concept of sexy is manifested by Justin Timberlake and the act of it coming back is this song which brings back his career from shambles (i.e. showcasing Janet Jackson's right breast during the Super Bowl, starring in Shrek 3, and toking up on drugs to suppress his depression after breaking up with Britney Spears).

For me, I believe it goes much deeper than that. As seen in the beginning, the mystery lady can partake in any of the animalistic mating rituals being conducted by the inhabitants (usual during the harvest period in agrarian societies). However, the lady is disinterested... hence sexy is gone for her. The sexy has gone into the refusal to take part in the atavistic mating ritual. Justin Timberlake, tempts her by showcasing all the positive attributes of macho chauvinism (i.e. stalking, voyeurism, breaking and entering, having awkward sex with a complete stranger, and dancing around with a cowboy handkerchief and disco balls).

When Justin Timberlake copulates with the mystery lady (starting at 2:51), sexy reappears for her and the song is validated. However, I'll admit that if Justin Timberlake was smacked in the face when he broke into the lady's apartment or if Justin Timberlake was blown into smithereens... it would have validated it very much so for me.

2. And if it was missing, when did it leave and why wasn't I informed?

I just told you when sexy did leave. In addition to the above explanation, sexy probably left when you entered this world and your umbilical cord was severed. You weren't informed because your mother does not love you.

3. Who left the door open so sexy could escape?

This song has three apparent plot lines. One is where Justin Timberlake pursues the mystery lady (played by Elena Anaya) in the office dwelling. The second is where Justin Timberlake is in his apartment putting tape on his door because Justin Timberlake is paranoid of the paparazzi, while the mystery lady is using a knife to tear the keyboard off of a laptop (probably to rewire the circuit boards so that the computer can play a super nintendo or a sega genesis). The third is where Justin Timberlake is dancing in a disco ball room while wearing cowboy gear (missing the hat). Because it can not be seen, but only speculated on, the third plot line may revolve around Justin Timberlake trying to master a round of DDR. I believe that the door was left open at the end of the song with the second plot line, so that sexy (or the lady's perception of what is sexy) escapes rather than have it blown into smithereens.

smithereens

There can also be several other metaphorical symbols and hypotheticals alluding to Justin Timberlake (the lady's manifestation of sexy) escaping. If the bomb was rigged to a timer, maybe having sexual intercourse with Justin Timberlake was a way of having Justin Timberlake wait until the timer is set so that Justin Timberlake would hop back into his room when the bomb exploded. However, Timberlake is as nimble as the Gingerbread Man and narrowly escapes certain death by seeing the door was forced open with the wine glass smashed. This hypothetical can be discredited as that the lady may not have wanted Timberlake dead or that the lady would not know when the bomb was rigged as both Justin Timberlake and the mystery lady were too busy engaged in carnal pleasures to pay attention to beads breaking, clothes, or a dog barking. On a side note, the comical value of this clip could have been increased substantially if the climax during the copulation coincided with the explosion.

I sincerely believe that the person who left the proverbial door open was literally the person who rigged the bomb... as he literally left the door open after rigging the bomb. Once Timberlake noticed the door was open, he jumped into another balcony to escape the explosion and presumably to copulate with whatever strange man/woman lived next door (as he has experience in such matters).

I sincerely hoped you enjoyed this explanation, laughlyn12.

With warmest regards,

31160618

Posted May 16, 2008 2:50 pm PT
Category: Music
31 Comments

14May 08

Sexy Back

I'm back... I'm bringing sexy back...

nelson

Because you have kept on tracking me, I promise to write a blog on whatever topic (humor, politics, science, art, etc.) you ask of me in the comment section (nothing involving censorship material or stuff about my personal life... I'll reveal a lot more in my 100th blog post). I promise, I'll make a blog of your choice topic interesting. You may make multiple suggestions, but I get to decide which of those suggestions I'll do. If you are the first one to guess who is featured on the above picture, I'll do a tribute blog to you. Feel free to continue submitting suggestions in the comment section anytime.

Yeah, I know... sorry excuse for not having anything to write about. Too many of my brain cells have been killed by insomnia and an alcohol binge one night last year (my friends said that they had to lock me away in a cage once my fangs started to grow and I started developing wings, but I escaped... so they really couldn't tell me what happened afterward... hmm... there also happened to be a spike in the Illinois birth rates nine months after that happened).

Kind Regards,

31160618

EDIT: I almost forgot. Thank you so much for the encouraging remarks in the previous post. It wasn't really that I don't have time for people, but I don't trust myself to be amicable during times of stress. The stress hasn't really gone, but I guess it's time to stop using that as an excuse.

Posted May 14, 2008 9:46 pm PT
Category: N/A
56 Comments

23Apr 08

A Moment of Peace

Dear Everybody,

:hugs for everyone:

The good news is that I'm alive. The bad news is that almost all my plans have gotten ruined... I'm doing a little control damage right now in my life. It may be a long time before I can come back again... again. It may even be months at the way my situation is going. For that I sincerely apologize. I'm so sorry for neglecting all of you for so long and it's tearing me apart that I can't even spend time with the friends who are geographically close to me. Here's a video that I hope will bring you a moment of peace in the middle of the work week. Take whatever message that you want, but I sincerely hope that you enjoy it.

: (temporary) good-bye hugs:

Warmest Regards,
31160618

P.S. I hope you didn't take the previous blog too seriously. It isn't wise to trust the pithy remarks of an odd gentleman on an odd website.

Posted Apr 23, 2008 1:33 pm PT
Category: Nature
28 Comments

1Apr 08

I Hate You All.

Everybody,

I hate all of you. That's right. Not most of you or just one of you (i.e. Foolz3h), but all of you. All of you sicken me to the point where I would rather drown in a pool of muddy, radioactive fecal matter than have to read another one of your materialistic rants about banal videogaming. Why don't you get off your FREAKING lazy bums and contribute something worthy to society, rather than take up oxygen and vegetate hours on end in front of a box that emits pretty colors! Your fried retinas would thank you for it! Trust me! Oh that's right, because all of you are either antisocial shut-ins or have some acute form of histrionic personality disorder... and being an actor without an audience... you would like to surround yourself with as many videogames (i.e. pretend friends) as possible and sugarcoat your depressingly lonely existence with Direct X10 graphics and a Bose surround sound system.

Do you know why you play videogames? It's because there is nothing better in your lives. Nada. Zippo. Nuthin' The only thing keeping you from jumping off a building is that you could do it in Grand Theft Auto... and the ability to do it multiple times makes it all the more better for you! YAY! Frustrated about your sex life or sad that your enhancement drugs won't work... why don't you play a little Witcher and pretend to be that stud muffin that your left hand knows you to be. Of course when glitches happen or your game freezes up on you, prepare for your nerdrection to go flaccid cause you suddenly realize yourself to be that shallow vessel of a consumer whore that you've become and that perfect Barbie world will all come crashing down on you. Not only that, but instead of facing up to the fact that your precious little plaything is a broken, worthless piece of ****... you go after anybody and everybody who points the obvious and go cry on a gaming website full of other consumer whores just like you. Oh... for those of you who complain about not having enough money or time... WHY DON'T YOU STOP SPENDING YOUR PARENT'S LIFE SAVINGS ON YOUR STUPID, STUPID GAMES! "Ooohh... I'm so rich and my parent's buy all these videogames (i.e. pretend friends) to take up most of my room." One of these days your benefactors will croak... and then you will have to face the world, cold... naked... alone... videogameless...

Here's another clue train for all of you. I don't give a **** about what you write in your blogs. Who cares about the true meaning of life, or your freaking wrestlemania addiction, or five stupid little fun facts about your boring, uneventful lives? Honestly, I don't. Deep down inside, alot of you are compensating for the lack of validation in your lives by your mindless gaming addiction or arguing mute points over the grand scheme of the universe... or a potential unification theory for the four fundamental forces, or whatever crap you require to fill up the gap between breathing and playing more videogames. Another thing... all of you sick, demented self-described intellectuals who piss all over Ayn Rand's grave whenever you make another stupid remark about Bioshock. Why don't you go die somewhere far from civilization so that we won't be exposed to the foul stench of your rotting corpse?

Why don't all of you go do the world a favor and dig yourselves a hole six feet (1.8288m) deep and choke on some soil? Oh yeah... make sure you eat lots of sweets so that the worms can decompose you faster. I'm sure you'll contribute more to the world as fertilizer anyways.

I'm leaving for good and I hope to never see your pathetic sorry faces.

Up Yours!

31160618

***SPOILER***

Posted Apr 1, 2008 3:22 am PT
Category: Humor
53 Comments

12Mar 08

Videoblog: Carnage, Mayhem, and Madness!!!

Dear Readers,

Hooray! I'm back! Hugs for everybody!

This is going to be another long blog... if you just want to skip to the videoblog, scroll to the end of this blog and click on the last link. Warning: this video may or may not include the undead rising Thriller $tyle, rabid space monkeys terrorizing a quaint suburban town, and robot Alfred Hitchcock laying the smackdown on a resurrected Sherlock Holmes and zombie Bob Barker. But I digress... here's a breakdown on this blog.

1. Gamespot Reflections: Pregnancies!!!
2. Gamespot Reflections: Write-On! Winner!!!
3. St. Patrick's Day!!! (non-nonalcoholic edition)

PREGNANCIES!!!

Is it just me or have at least five of my gamespot friends fathered/ mothered newborns in the past month? Not only that... but another one of my Gamespot friends is going to become a father soon. WTF!? WAS EVERYONE FREAKING HORNY NINE MONTHS AGO!? Did someone leak fertility drugs into the water supply? Do you people want to have less time playing videogames? Do you people forget that X's and O's have their own separate boxes in tic-tac-toe? I'm not gonna lie... I was pretty horny after my girlfriend dumped me nine months ago. I started going to parties, meeting new women, and... uhm... not impregnating anybody. ...I hope...

In all seriousness, I wish all of my gamespot friends happy times with their newborns. The first time I saw a live birth was in elementary school... God did that give me nightmares. Especially when I saw that face... shivers... After witnessing more and more of them, I came to realize the unparalleled fear and joy that rushes through the mother and father. There is something magical about creating another lifeform, even if all it means is splicing two DNA strands together. Again, I congratulate all of you and wish you guys and gals the best of luck in raising your child(ren).

The only advice I have is that every kid is different. Raise him/her you own way.

WRITE-ON! WINNER!

An article I did on old people taking over the world became the 'Monkeys Writing Shakespeare' Union recipient for their monthly APETACULAR MAGAZINE. I didn't even expect this coming. This is the coolest thing to happen to me on Gamespot! Thank God for this quirky non-gaming segment or else I don't think I would be featured for crap (predominantly because I'm broke as hell and don't have money for games). Also, thank you to that mystery person who nominated my article to be judged by the panelists; you have very good taste.

For those who don't know, Monkeys Writing Shakespeare (MWS) is a Gamespot union for readers and writers of well-written articles. Enough self-congratulations, there are some spectacular writers in there like bacchus2, monco59, or Lord_Alan. The union leaders themselves are very good writers, and I implore you to check their blogs out. In truth, there is too little room to fit all of the eloquent bloggers that I've met in that union. If you haven't done so, I implore you to visit the MWS page and read their monthly online magazine or to even click on random members of that union to see their blogs. There's a good chance that whatever pops up is well written. It's worth signing on to this group to keep abreast of what's golden in people's blogs and to contribute something to the magazine. I'm pretty sure there's one hater in the crowd who thinks everything that I write is crap. Go on... best me on it and send it in to Monkeys Writing Shakespeare!

St. Patrick's Day

Forget the fact that this is an Irish Catholic holiday that celebrates the life of a snake charmer... being proud of your Irish heritage is what this holiday is all about. Hell... I'm a Filipino kid who grew up in a black neighborhood... and I'M FREAKING PROUD TO BE IRISH!! I think everybody in my black neighborhood is going to be Irish that day! (N: If you are a black Irish person in my neighborhood, I did not mean to exclude you. If you see me walking down the street, come say hi. In fact, I welcome everybody to celebrate this holiday... especially real Irish people!) So even if you're not Irish... you can be Irish in heart and that's all that matters. Wait a sec... did anything in that previous paragraph make any sense?

To be serious, almost everyone who celebrates St. Patrick's Day knows what really goes on. I sincerely advise you to drink responsibly and be safe on that holiday. Leave your car keys at home and watch out for your friends. My university thought it would be smart to move spring break to include St. Patrick's Day. In retaliation, a few bar owners decided to hold an "Unoffical St. Patrick's Day" two weeks before the scheduled spring break. This has been a on-going tradition for many years in this campus now. Bars open up at 11:00am to packed lines of students who probably had been drinking since 6:00am. Then night falls and madness erupts. Because I made a New Years Resolution to not drink alcohol, I didn't partake in the spirits but I did partake in the festivities. I went partially insane doing homework... decided to have some fun in my life... borrowed a friend's camcorder... and took to the streets. Here is the result (warning: carnage, mayhem, and madness... plus foul language and alcoholism involved). It's only six and a half minutes long...

I'm Over 18 Years Old and I'm Mature Enough to See This Video

Have a Happy St. Patrick's Day,

31160618

EDIT: Thanks to IGDetail for finding misspellings in acronyms...

Posted Mar 12, 2008 4:31 pm PT
Category: Humor
50 Comments

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Blog: 31160618

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I Hate You All.

Videoblog: Carnage, Mayhem, and Madness!!!

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