Ooh, you big meanies. Only 5 of you actually replied to the Egonga Awards for 2008 - something that I cannot forgive. I am, indeed, wroth...

...love that word. Wroth. So dramatic, yet if you say it in everyday conversation you sound silly. Multi-purpose!

...anyway, yes, I'm wroth indeed. Those of you who chose not to reply, I lay upon you a curse. May bunnies enter your house at night and tilt all your pictures slightly, so that at first glance they seem fine but a closer inspection reveals that they are, indeed, crooked.

Loves and kisses,
Egonga.

Ps. I'm upgrading Southy from "fiction" to "non-fiction" by way of saying thanks for all his hard work supprorting the "It's an effin' cougar!" foundation. He doesn't know this yet, of course, but once his next statement comes through the post I'm sure he'll be deliriously happy ^_^

Pps. Deijhan, I'm downgrading you to fictional to restore the balance of literature. Sometimes when I look at you, and if I squint my eyes, you look a little fuzzy around the edges. Nobody real would do that.

We go now live to the Litherland Town Hall Center, a tiny little bingo hall full of old pensioners. Complete in sparkly suit and dress, respectively, Egonga and Iganga take to the stage.

Egonga: Wow, it's absolutely great to be here. When we first started these awards almost a year ago, we didn't think we'd go anywhere.

Iganga: Yes, but then we got the bus and went to town and I bought some shoesies and chocolate ^_^

Egonga: And yet here we are a year later, still in the same crappy bingo hall in which we started, giving out the same home-made paper awards to people who don't care. *sob* 4 hours it took to make these awards. I ran out of glue and had to use my own tears! That's dedication for you.

Iganga: And I sprinkled fairy dust *whispers into the microphone so everyone hears* glitter *unwhispers* all over him so that he felt better.

Egonga: Then it went into my eyes and started burning, so we had to go to hospital and... ah nevermind, you don't want to hear all this. Let's get the awards going!

Iganga: Yay! ^_^

----------------------------------

Egonga Award for Best Advertisement 2008
Nominees:

Bring on the trumpets!
Fernando Torres Nike advert
Thunky Thunderbirds
Russel Brand's Radio Show
Tesco silliness

And the winner is...
Tesco.

Although, personally, I felt the Torres advert was more entertaining (at least to Liverpool FC fans), the fact is that Tesco made an advert for a catalogue and made it quite funny.

Egonga Award for Worst Advertisement 2008
Nominees:

Clearasil Assault
DFS sucks
Westplus Singing Worm
Trust Woolite, the Safeturgent

And the winner is...
Westplus.

Oh god, make it stop, make it stop...

Egonga Award for Worst Song 2008 (Last award with Youtube Links, I promise)
Nominees:

Nickelback - Rockstar
Nickelback - Photograph
Alexandra Burke - Hallelujah

And the winner is...
Alexandra Burke with Hallelujah!

Ugh. I LOVE the Hallelujah song. I've got two versions of it on my MP3 player - one by Rufus Wainwright and Kate Voegele (both on youtube if you're interested). However, I can't stand Alexandra's version. It's sang with no passion, no feeling behind it. The guitar riff sounds like it's on repeat, and the end bit with the violins or the synthosizer (I can't work it out) is one of those annoying bits of song they USE on X-Factor (Pop Idol in America, I think) when somebody with a sad story to tell goes through to the next round. It's all so fake. AND they cut out two of the verses. Swiggins and fie!

Egonga Award for Most Annoying Videogame Moment 2008
Nominees:

TOCA Racer Driver 3 Cheats: You have to pay for them!
No Skate 2 or Assassin's Creed 2
Sonic The Werewolf
The DS shelves being flooded with Brain Training / Cookery rubbish
Sony sez "Our customers don't want backwards compatability! We told them so!"
No new PSP redesign.

And the winner is...

Sonic the Werewolf. No explanation is needed.

Iganga Award for Best Hamster 2008
Nominees:

This hamster!
No wait, this hamster!
G'aaaw! ^_^

And the winner is,,,

All hamsters everywhere, because they're all so super cute! ^_^

Egonga Award for Best Fictional Character 2008
Nominees:

Lady Yuna (FFX)
Yuki Nagato (The Melanchony of Haruhi Suzumiya)
Captain Sam Vimes (The Discworld, various)
Southy787
Moss (The IT Crowd)

And the winner is...

Moss. The IT Crowd has improved in leaps and bounds this recent series, and Moss is getting wierder and wierder. Gotta love him.

Egonga Award for Worst Christmas Gift to Give Somebody 2008
Nominees:

Pictures of the other person asleep, with "I watch you" written all over it.
A chewed pencil
Sonic Unleashed
Rabies
A gift voucher from Zavvi (Bunch of ******)

And the winner is...

The Zavvi vouchers. Swiggins and FIE!

Anyway, thems the awards. If you didn't like them... tough. You've read it all now.

I was thinking about using an innuendo for the title, like Sexy Booty or Behold my Glorious Booty, but that was just tacky and tasteless.

Just a quick blog entry to give some first impressions and random thoughts about the Christmas / New Year period.

Zavvi: Bunch of dirty rat... swiggins! My bro bought £40 in gift vouchers from Zavvi for my dad's Christmas present, but then the company goes bust! Now there are signs up saying that they can't redeem vouchers - so they'll happily just TAKE £40 of our money for nothing. But it's worse for other people. My parents went to try cash the vouchers on Christmas Eve. In front of them in the queue was a very angry man - he'd paid for half of a PS3, and had come in to pay the other half and collect the system. Christmas was the next day, and no doubt he had a child eagerly awaiting the system from Santa. The manager only goes and tells him that all pre-orders are now void because of the creditors - the man would have to pay full price, without a refund, for a PS3. Security had to drag him out, in the end, but I feel for the guy.

Mirror's Edge: First impressions are that it has a great control scheme and can be fun to play. It's a bit like a 1st Person Sonic The Hedgehog. After twenty minutes in the tutorial stage you'll be leaping across buildings and sliding under closed doors like a pro. The missions themselves seem kind of flawed, however. Sometimes you'll run into a small room, an office for example, and you'll hear the guards trying to kick the door down. You have seconds, maybe, to react. But then the only safe exit from the room requires you to stop and try to look for it, then a way to get up there. It disrupts the flow of the game, and you'll find yourself dying many times before finally getting the escape JUST right.

Fifa 09: I can say this without doubts or fear of contradiction - FIFA, officially, now plays a better game of football than Pro Evo Soccer. The presentation is better, there are more teams, the commentary is better, even the Be A Pro is better than PES - all it lacks, really, is a long running game mode, like a Master League. And since FIFA has tons of fully licensed leagues, including the lower leagues, it would be SO much better than PES's if it had.

Motorstorm PP: Brother picked this up in the sales. We skipped the first game because it lacked a 2-player option - when we saw this had split screen, however, we didn't hesitate. It's like... like Mario Kart only serious. The multiple routes means that races seperate into mini-races then suddenly crash together again at a crossroads into a melee. I enjoy having all-bike races, however, to bring back the good old days of Road Rash

Punching monster trucks is not advisable, however.

Classsic Book Collection: Like me, you're possibly one of those people who have heard of Treasure Island, Moby Dick and "Jekyll and Hyde", but never actually read the books. Well, I bought 100 Classic Book Collection on the Nintendo DS. A steal at £19.99, it features a hundred classic books on one cart that you can read on the dual-screen, flipping pages with the stylus. I'm still reading "Nation" by Terry Prachett at the moment, so I haven't even opened the game yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

I'm just looking at it now, and... it features multiplayer? How is reading a multiplayer activity? :S

I got a bunch of other games, books and the like, but you're probably not interested in a big ol' list. So I shall finish with this stark warning:

THE EGONGA AWARDS FOR 2008 WILL BE COMING SOON! BE AFRAID! O_O

#1:

It is written:

Be like my dad,
Not like my sis.
Lift the lid
Before you whizz.

Whenever I lift the toilet seat, I always raise my left leg behind me daintily, as you often see women doing when dusting a rather high spot. This is a habit I seek to break.

And now Egonga's Special Christmas Tip:

How often has this happened to you? Christmas day arrives, and you finally receive that GUN you've always asked Santa for. One thing leads to another, bang bang, and suddenly you find the bullet-ridden corpse of a carol singer lying in your living room. And, worse yet, the Head of Scotland Yard, the Head of the FBI and fictional detective Hercule Poirot are coming over for dinner!

Fret not! The solution is simple: pretend that you have arranged for a 'fake' dead body to be planted in your living room, and that the entertainment for the evening is a murder mystery. Your guests will either go along half-heartedly with the ploy and fall back on the old "The butler did it" cliche, or they will tell you where to stick your goddamned murder mystery because they've been investigating such crimes all year and they'll be damned if they work on Christmas, too!

Problem solved ^_^

#2:

*whispers* Your fly is undone.

#3:

It is inadvisable, when preparing a turkey dinner, to pre-heat your oven to 800 degrees in preperation for the meal. Heating your oven to this temperature will most likely make it EXPLODE, or at the very least melt one of your kitchen walls.

If you live in fear of exploding ovens, why not forego the 'traditional' Christmas meal and opt instead for Pot Noodles with Dairylea Triangles melted on top of them? It's easy to make and tastes delicious.

#4:

James Mason was nominated three times for an Oscar, but he never won one. Star of critically acclaimed, and post-war record box office film "The Seventh Veil", James was also considered for the role of James Bond in the film "Dr. No" before Sean Connery was cast.

Jamea Mason passed away on July 27th 1984, exactly one year before I was born. I can perform a passable James Mason impersonation. James Mason also liked cats.

#5:

When playing Guild Wars in PvE, it is considered ill-mannered and, quite frankly, downright stupid to criticise the only healer in the party, as they are doing the best they can, especially considering you're an Elementalist and seem determined to use a sword. For, it is written:

I need a healer!
I'm gonna need me a healer till the end of the fight!
He's gotta know cure
And he's gotta know smite
And he's gotta bring me back to life!

Stay tuned for Fact #4 tomorrow!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=YHdHh_NnFiI

"Alright, so I've been paid to write a movie script for this Dragon Bull thing. Time to do some heavy research... just load up Google.... alright, so Goku wears orange, has a stick and he uses a Kamehameha, which is a grenade or something. That's me done! Now to just change a few names on that ninja script I've been working on and it's payday!"

My anger is only compounded by the fact that I have no idea how to embed Youtube videos directly into the blog.

You know what you never see? You never see how the airborne zombie viruses spread. Usually the film starts just as the virus is being spread throughout the world by biting and killings, but you never see the gradual decline of the first people infected.

"Hi, boss? I'm just ringing to say that I can't come into work today. I've got a flu bug or some sort of stomache virus or something, I feel like the living dead."

"Oh, that's a shame. Have you seen a doctor yet?"

"Oh yes, he popped around this morning."

"What did he say?"

"He said 'ARGH! STOP BITING MY ARM YOU GODDAMNED FREAK!' Then he collapsed in a pool of his own blood. But I think I should be okay to come in tomorrow."

"Uh... no no, really, that's okay. You really don't have to push yourself."

CONSIDER THIS AT YOUR OWN PERIL O_O

The image above appears on your screen, and slowly fades to black. Fade up, and we see the image of a man holding a microphone. He is an unassuming man, the type of man one would pass on the street without a second thought - he is a wrestling interviewer, Todd Sowsurmom. Behind him is a lockeroom door, with the words "Egonga" scribbled on it in chalk.

Todd: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here tonight live at Madison Square Garden in New York for that most unprecendented of things; the first Gamespot Wrestling E-Federation show in almost two years. In just a few short moments I will be interviewing the founder, former Heavyweight Champion and Modcore Champion of the GWE himself, The Mighty Egonga.

The lockeroom door bursts open, hits the wall and bounces back in the face of the person who threw the door open. Muffled curses are heard. The door is opened again, tentatively this time, to reveal Egonga himself. In his hand is his trusty sidekick, and plank of wood, Larry.

Todd: Now, Mr Egon-

Egonga: Hold on there "insert your own generic insult here"! I believe you forgot that I am the current reigning Eleven Squared Butt Champion!

Todd: But that's not even a real title. You awarded it to yourself and haven't defended it since!

Egonga: I defended it against a fly, the other day! Crushed him like a bug. Also, sometimes at night I'll slip into people's bedrooms and pin them while they sleep, while silently declaring it a championship match. I have over 300 victories and only 18 restraining orders with this baby

Larry: The wench is right, although speaking as his lawyer I never said that and you can't prove nothing, alright?

Todd: So, uh, anyway. About tonight's GWE Comeback Show; what sort of matches can we expect tonight? Will you be reviving your famous rivalry with Robbie_IV? Will Canuck and Loeanubis be teaming up again? Or have you convinced some new blood to try out, like Eternal Insane and Southy?

Egonga: Oh, uh, yeah, matches. Yeah. Um. See, the thing is, this was all really just a tax swizz, you see.

Larry: By which my client means that this was a fully legalised, sanctioned event from the US Government, with a small portion of the funds going to charitable causes. Unless you can prove it, saying otherwise is SLANDER. You hear me Todd, you filthy wench? Slander.

Egonga: Well, you see, I didn't think we'd sell any tickets, but I was going to get paid a lot of money to organise it, you know? Advertising revenue and such. I figured; paying the other wrestler wages would just be wasting that money, since nobody would turn up anyway.

Todd: And how large is the crowd out there in the arena?

Egonga: Roughly 80,000, give or take a hundred. I won't lie to you Todd; I'm scared.

Todd: So what in the hell are you going to do for the show?

Just then a familiar face (to some) runs on screen; it's Iganga, Egonga's slightly insane wife.

Iganga: Hiya honey! I finished your speech!

Egonga: Excellent! You see Todd, I was planning to go out there and basically just insult New York for an hour or two, get them really riled up and eager for the fight -

Larry: The anti-American views expressed during that segment do not necessarily represent the views of Egonga, his subsidiaries or any of the sponsors.

Egonga: - and then I figured I'd challenge a random 8 year old in the audience to a match, then beat him with a steel chair. Fun for all the family. So I asked Iggy to write my anti-America speech. Deary?

She hands him a napkin. It has written in lipstick "New York sucks".

Egonga: Uh... is this it?

Iganga: Yessum. You might have to do a bit of filler, though. Anyway, must dash in case the gerbils escape.

Egonga: Gerbils? What gerbils?

Iganga: Oh, I loaded the car with gerbils - the trunk, the back seats, the glove compartment - everywhere ^_^

Egonga: Why?

Iganga: I... don't know. It seemed a good idea this morning, and I'm still sort of enthusiastic about it now ^_^

Egonga: Oh ye Gods... alright, let's get this trainwreck moving. Cya Todd, cya honey.

Iganga: Poodle tip! ^_^

Egonga, Larry and Iganga walk off-screen. Todd turns towards the camera again, microphone still in hand.

Todd: There you have it, folks. GWE Legend The Mighty -

WHACK! Todd receives a flying Larry to the back of the head, knocking him unconscious. Egonga runs back on screen and dives on top of Todd.

Larry: 1! 2! 3!

Egonga: Yeah! WOO! OH YEAH! That was a Championship Match too, Todd! I retained the Eleven Squared Butts Title AGAIN!

The camera fades to black...

Vital Statistics

Cost to Make: Tuppence
Rank: 1
Longest Reign: The GWE Storage Closet (2 years and counting)
Shortest Rain: 2mm per square inch per year (Texas)
Bonus Feats:

Excelletude!
Nice hair.
Grade 2 Literacy.
Dampened Gas.

Ma' put her cup of tea down on the coffee table over the weekend. Shwip! Slid right off the table and smashed against the wall. Maybe the coffee Gods were angry that we DARED to put tea on THEIR table, or maybe the house was subsiding - we didn't know. So we rang a man with a mustache.

He came out and stared at the side of our house for a while. He tutted. Stroked his mustache. Kicked the house once or twice, experimentally. Then he pulls out a pipe and turns to us.

"I'm thinkin' yer problem is the foundation's givin' way." He said. We stroked our unbearded chins, trying to look clever and comprehending - it mustn't have worked, as he continued "Y'see, a lot of houses round here, well, they built them in the 80's, see? And they thought it'd be a right good idea to build this city on Rock and Roll, which as you can guess is a weak foundation at best."

He quickly made a small hole to demonstrate - sure enough, Rock and Roll music could be heard. He covered the hole back up with a potted plant. Apparantly we're going to have to move the house 500ft to the North-West to find a better foundation - all the neighbours have been warmed, and they're preparing to move too. We're getting a donkey to do the actual pulling - some neighbours argued that a lone donkey trying to pull 20 or so houses would be impossible, but I've got a feeling that we'll be all right.

------------------------------------

In other news, I've been listening to God Knows a lot more lately. It makes me wonder; why DON'T I have a cute Japanese girl in a bunny outfit following me around screaming love songs at me? I'm pretty sure that was in the brochure somewhere. I demand hot Jap-bunny girl guitar action!

The pressure is too great, and with my integrity on the line I just can't risk it anymore.

I hereby solemnly vow that I shall never Rick Roll, or alternatively "Psuedo Rick Roll but actually Sata Andagi" anybody ever again ever, unless under penalty of death or mutilation by some Rick Rolling loonatic.

I just can't handle it any more. Every time I post a video, people will suspect that it's a Rick roll - denying that it's a Rick roll, giving 100% guarantees, just make people MORE suspicious. I just... I just...

I just wanted to post Bed of Roses by The Statler Brothers. Remember it from San Andreas? Awesome song.

But now you're going to believe it's a Rick roll, or some bizarre Egonga-like variant like... Jessica Alba in the Fantastic 4 Rolled. It isn't - it's just The Statler Brothers singing Bed of Roses.

Why won't the accusing voices stop?

Cheerio,
Egonga ^_^
xxx

The pressure is too great, and with my integrity on the line I just can't risk it anymore.

I hereby solemnly vow that I shall never Rick Roll, or alternatively "Psuedo Rick Roll but actually Sata Andagi" anybody ever again ever, unless under penalty of death or mutilation by some Rick Rolling loonatic.

I just can't handle it any more. Every time I post a video, people will suspect that it's a Rick roll - denying that it's a Rick roll, giving 100% guarantees, just make people MORE suspicious. I just... I just...

I just wanted to post Bed of Roses by The Statler Brothers. Remember it from San Andreas? Awesome song.

But now you're going to believe it's a Rick roll, or some bizarre Egonga-like variant like... Jessica Alba in the Fantastic 4 Rolled. It isn't - it's just The Statler Brothers singing Bed of Roses.

Why won't the accusing voices stop?

Cheerio,
Egonga ^_^
xxx

As you may recall, I have strong feelings about the month of November. Still, I shall preservere, and endure, and maybe my ears won't be bleeding with unreleased rage by the time I'm finished with today's award ceremony.

So, without further waffle eating...

Worst TV Commercial/Advert
Nominees:

Clearasil Skate-Attack

There are no other nominees.

The Clearasil advert wins it because... well, it's creepy. So I mean, you get rid of your spots, so that means you can just attack girls and kiss them while they're down? "I guess now that I'm free of spots, I can go around town with a sledgehammer, knocking out pretty girls and doing stuff to them BECAUSE I'M CONFIDENT!"

Worst Aspect of Christmas
Nominees:

All these non-game games being advertised on TV, like Wii Music or You're In The Movies.
Incessant Christmas adverts - I've seen more mince pies on TV today alone than my entire family have eaten in their entire lives.
Cold weather
The tears of children as you tell them Santa isn't real... oh wait, that should be in the Best Aspect section. Ignore this nominee.
The same recycled Christmas songs on the radio as every other year since 1971.

And the winner is...

The non-game adverts.

I don't know why, but it infuriates me seeing crap like Wii Music or More Brain Training or You're in the Movies getting TV time when there are loads of good games out there like Fable 2 or, hell, I don't know, No More Heroes which are going to end up in bargain bins.

Worst Substitute for an Angel at the top of an X-mas Tree
Nominees:

A dead hamster
A note saying "IOU 1 Angel!"
An Optimus Prime action figure
Another Christmas tree - that's right, a double-decker tree!
"War and Peace"

And the winner is...

War and peace. Because as I was writing this list, I realised that the other options were kind of cool. Imagine a double-decker Christmas tree with Optimus Prime atop the highest tree, and he's holding the note. That'd be awesome. Not sure where the dead hamster would fit into such a plan, however.

What I can't be bothered doing in work award
Nominees:

Ringing some printer careline for a Printer Maintanence kit that my manager wants for some reason
Sorting out a lot of pre-2006 work in the storeroom
Ordering more rubber thumbs from stores
Taking a picture of the box-robot you guys made me make

And the winner is...

The printer thing. I'm not entirely sure what I'm even ringing them for - the stores catalogue doesn't have a Maintenance kit for OUR printer, so what am I supposed to ask? "Can you design and make us one for free, please?"

Not Really An Award Just a Song I Like Award

No nominees.

The winner is... Elbow, Some Riot

Heard it on Hollyoaks, it's a nice little ****cal song with a dark twist.

And finally...

Honorary Award for Best Cheese and Pickle Sandwich (Minus the bloody Coleslaw)
No Nominees

The winner is... Marks and Spencer. Oh sure, it's a HAM cheese and pickle sandwich, which would normally weaken it's position for such a title. However, it has some sort of sweet mayonaise on it and, I'm not too shamed to admit, I actually closed my eyes while eating it. It was that good.

Apparantly you post a Youtube link to a video claiming it to be something else, only for it to be Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give you Up". It's a huge internet phenomenomanomenimin!

In a completely unrelated subject, here's a hilarious football video! It's really funny!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=RULLavMbj1Q

Mr. Cassidy: Hey there kiddos! Welcome to another episode of Mr. Cassidy! Today, we're going to be talking to Paul the Panda. Hello Paul the Panda!

Paul: Hullo Mr Cassidy, hyuk hyuk! Nice ya meet ya!

Mr. Cassidy: Mr Panda, are you going to sing a song for the kids at home?

Paul: I sure am, Mr. Cassidy!

My name is Paul
I am a Panda.
I come from the great wall
Of a land called China!

Mr Cassidy: That was a good song, Mr Panda! It taught us a lot about you!

Paul: Thanks Mr. Cassidy! Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

Mr Cassidy: Ah, that's probably not a good idea Paul the Panda.

Paul: Nonsense, Mr Cassidy! Tell us all about yourself!

Mr Cassidy: Well...

My name is Mr Cassidy!
I used to be on late night TV!
I had a lot of celebs on my show
But the BBC told me that I had to go!

Paul: Wow, uh, Mr Cassidy. That, uh, that wasn't in the script. It's not something that a professional TV presenter should do.

Mr Cassidy: Shut up Paul the Panda. There's more.

I was the best, I kicked ***.
But they kicked me off because I had no cIass.
All because of some rotten luck
That ***** Paris Hilton said the word f-

Paul: Christ Jamie, what the hell are you doing?

Mr Cassidy: Shut up John! Just shut up. This is my show and I'll do whatever I damned well please. See, kids? I called him John. That's because the pupeteer with his hand up the panda's **** is really called John, not Paul. We keep the Panda locked in a box in an attic somewhere because he's not REAL.

Paul / John: C'mon man, don't do this. Kids watch this TV show - my SON watches it.

Mr Cassidy: You're all trying to keep my down, you bunch of ******. Nobody keeps James Cassidy down. I'm going to Channel 4, because they realise that I'm the real talent on this goddamned, backwards British network.

Security dash on screen and tackle Mr Cassidy. Static fuzz shows for a few moments, then the following message:

The BBC would like to apologize for technical faults beyond our control. Normal TV viewing shall resume shortly.

Of course, they didn't ask me to or pay me for it. I just showed up at their offices in the buck.

The police were unnecessarily rough, I felt.