I often write down what I feel. It helps me relax. I don't expect many people to read what I write, because quite frankly, anything I write isn't that god damn interesting to read in the first place. But to everyone who does read it... enjoy... all 3 of you.

• 4Jan 06

  Underestimate it and you lose.

  I often find myself wondering how I could let myself fall into such a slump, one of which I can't seem to get myself out of for some unforseen reason. And on occasion, I find myself thinking that it couldn't possibly get any worse than it is right now.
  
  But when I start thinking straight, I usually come to realise that I'm way off track when I think that. I forget to look at what I really DO have in life, and start to take them for granted. Like how much I love my friends, and how much I love my girlfriend, sufficient clothing and food and such, a supporting family. These are all the "little" things that most of us come to take for granted in our everyday lives. The sheer possibility of me losing my girlfriend almost brings me to my knees.
  
  And it is usually then that I begin to treasure everything that i do have, and not mope and b*tch about what's going wrong. But unfortunately, that feeling only lasts a few hours... A day at best. But hey... it's better than nothing ain't it?
  
  So I guess that in the end, it can always get worse. So don't underestimate the possibility
  • Posted Jan 4, 2006 8:53 pm PT
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• 30Dec 05

  Constant reminders.

  I know it's supposed to be the holly jolly season, and we're supposed to be spreading as much love and joy as we possibly can to those around and close to us. You'd expect some of the feelings I've felt for a while now to subside and back off atleast a little in these "fun times", and while I've hoped that they would, I've done so in vain.Everybody being so happy around me, is only more of a reminder of how crappy I feel in most of my days.
  
  I can't blame everyone else for being happy, hell... I'm happy for them. But the contrast just makes it seem that more apparent in my eyes, that I'm probably stuck this way for a while to come
  
   I often wonder what exactly it is that makes my days bite that special brand of ass, but it's an enigma to my underdeveloped and simple mind. I guess somethings are just best left unknown.Well I guess that's enough of my ranting, Happy freakin' holidays to anyone who took the time to read this blog post. All 3 of you...
  • Posted Dec 30, 2005 9:31 pm PT
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• 17Dec 05

  One of those days, from one of those weeks.

  Well, it's been a couple of rough nights in a row, with no signs of letting up what so ever, which doesn't surprise me, I've felt like I feel now for weeks at a time without any convenient 'breaks' in between from the crap loaded moods I usually experience
  
  You know, it's kind of sad, that you have to tell yourself that you're "getting better", but you don't really buy into your own bull****. And what's even sadder is that you're just not doing anything about it, and letting your life slowly slip into oblivion...and as you're doing all that, you continuously think that "you don't have anything to lose anyway"... well today I realised just how much I really had. I often realise that just one talk with the right person can really set things into perspective, even if they're not even trying to convince you that you should seek therapy for whatever the **** it is you've got, or that you've got to change your ****ing ways, otherwise your life is going to go down the tubes soon enough... no no... I may not be the happiest schmuck out there... but holy **** do I appreciate the friends that i have, without them, I'd be waaay deeper in **** than I am right now (about knee level).
  
  I just hope i don't lose any of the people that are close to me, people like my friends, my girlfriend... so much they mean to me, so much i'd give up for them, and so much i love them... if it weren't for these people, i'd seriously be better off lying face down in a puddle somewhere in ****ing Mississippi, with maggots crawling through my skull, cuz some **** decided that i'd make for some good target practice.
  
  So I guess this post goes out to all you people out there, that keep me from becoming a guy that's one step away from going bat**** ****ing insane... cheers...
  • Posted Dec 17, 2005 8:46 pm PT
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