A walrus-less wall.

• 27Jun 09

  Leave Michael alone!

  Somebody else also died I think. Something about taps…anyway I must admit that this little problem is probably my fault. You see due to a lack of inspiration you will have noticed that a large proportion of my recent blogs have indeed been devoted around those that some might call my readers, others might call them people who are forced to comment on my blog so that I comment on theirs. Yet these same people never seem to be fully satisfied! I write an amazing 1,000 word achievement and all I get is "it should be about Satan and be a list" and "it should rhyme" well I don't see you writing 1,000 word blogs! Well, in the case of the latter sometimes they are much longer but that is besides the point! You've had your recognition—you've been on the soapbox, and I've got what? I've got a broken heart of shattered dreams and a poetical talent for metaphor!
  Of course taking into consideration bozanimal's moderation, if I was on the soapbox metal gear porn probably would have got me banned. But considering none of you guys care I suppose it wouldn't matter!

  Here's a list of why you shouldn't tell me to do things:

  1. So, if I don't get onto the soapbox with this then Satan, Lucifer, Woland, azzazalo and the devil will be angry enough to kill whoever reads editorials, and make them corporeal. That rhymed, I wish I had time to continue, but I don't, so I won't.

  
  Now, now that you know never to ask for anything ever again let me say up yours, because now I am yet again out of ideas. Thanks for nothing!

  • Posted Jun 27, 2009 5:51 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 12Jun 09

  A Thousand Words Say a Picture

  

  A picture says a thousand words, or so they say. But the above picture is the only picture I have seen that says such a thing, and I made it myself! Admittedly it's not a very good picture, but at least it is unique. Well, probably not, but at least I made it myself.
  
  Err, my point is that I wonder if a thousand words could say a picture? Generally you only need one word to say picture, but I thought given that I have no other ideas I may as well plagiarise bacchus2 like a good little Scorpion and see if I can write one thousand words about a picture.

  
  When I look at this picture I notice two things. The first of which is that she has no pubic hair, yet she is in a fantasy setting, which generally takes its cues from medieval times. The second is, of course, whether all that hair is from her head, or if some of it is from her armpits. In which case it just makes the fact that she has no pubic hair all the more puzzling.
  
  Freud himself would latch onto the pubic hair like hot wax and perhaps he would be right. Maybe it does indeed symbolise the sexual oppression of women, for despite how much we hate body hair, it is naturally a sign of sexual maturity. Maybe the media is right and we are indeed all paedophiles. Certainly the dragon is. I mean it must be several hundred years old, but look at how smooth its skin is. Of course naturally the scales are smooth, but the skin underneath? The only explanation is that the smoke is youthful essence.
  
  Though it does have a shocking case of varicose veins in its left wing. I said its left wing so don't open your mouth. And then we get the two henchmen holding their piercing phallic images. Apparently the fact that the dragon has a black (negro), white (alfrego), and Hispanic (Asian) head wasn't enough to demonstrate how progressively minded they were back in medieval times as both creatures are also from different ethnicities.
  
  Undoubtedly the woman is a foreign student and despite both creatures being from different ethnicities they are still bogans. So perhaps Freud is wrong and they won't rape her. She'll just be bashed. Naturally of course being bashed isn't necessarily a whole lot worse than being raped depending on the circumstances, but even in medieval terms rape was taboo, but apparently paedophilia, was not.
  
  Indeed if we look closely at the damsel in distress we find something as disturbing as a Bill Henson photo. Apart from the lack of pubic hair she also has a very child-like face. Indeed the only sign of sexual maturity are breasts which most young girls often develop long before the age of sexual consent. Suffice it to say she must be under the age of 16 and under Victorian federal law raping her would be illegal. Sure, it would be erotic in a medieval-royal-incest kind of way, but still there is no doubt it would be illegal.
  
  Speaking of royal incest one can't help but notice the striking similarity between princess Diana and prince William. Oh sure he's her son but that's beside the point. The point being that the God damned dragon has several different heads. This is the sort of mutation that can only be brought about by severe inbreeding that would make even those from Adelaide blush. Tasmania and Canada on the other hand would probably be glad to bring it into their small genetic make up for a bit of well needed variety.
  
  Another disturbing mutation is its right arm. (I said its right arm, would you just shut up and read!) Indeed it appears to have the muscles and structure of a man's arm—or in this case a ten year old girl—yet the paw of a lizard and the boil of an old school English joke.
  
  Going back to Freud one should note all the obvious phallic images. There are points on everything from wings to paws to weapons to armour to scales to mouths to tails to architecture to pubic hair. It is clear that the author is secretly homosexual unless it was drawn by a woman in which case it was probably co-drawn by Germaine Greer and Margaret Mead.
  
  Mead. An alcoholic beverage popular at the time. Most possibly probably the artist had indeed ingested a large amount of mead and/or Mead's bodily fluids which had given him an alcoholic high or in the case of Germaine Greer a menstrual blood-high which acts a little like vampires and werewolves insomuch as she'll be hunting down teen boys on camera. However they are teen boys and love it so she is not a paedophile. But she is ugly so she is a rapist.
  
  Speaking of ugly rapists why are there skulls adorning the big buckets of semen—I mean youthful essence—however ladies, the next time your gentleman pleads to let him give you the most pretty pearl necklace remember that it is high in calcium and women are very prone osteoporosis so as long as you eat (don't let him, I think we can all agree that felching is a little over the top) it afterwards then it's good for you. Same goes for buttocks sex—it's a great laxative! Kinda like sticking your finger—or something else—down your throat. But unlike that it's not likely to destroy your teeth. However it may also not be as fun or as slimming—why would you put skulls on your architecture. Is this some sort of weird medieval tradition? I mean it's not like we modern people adorn our walls with pictures of animals skulls is it? Sure dead animal's heads, I'll give you that, but even then they've usually been stuffed.
  
  Truly, man was once savages, as symbolised by the fact that all the male characters in the drawing are not men. In fact one of the dragon's heads is probably female, but that is what one must risk when one cannot resist to fist one's own sister. Yes, for once you are right, mister, that did rhyme, be quiet, I've not missed ya.
  
  But hey, the royals have to keep the bloodline going. Who cares if Prince William was stupider than the model he dated. Though it does explain why Princess Diana was killed. Royals sleeping around is one thing but you must sleep around in the family! Sadly she went elsewhere and look what happened. I suppose only the Danish can get away with it. Those crazy Danes.

  • Posted Jun 12, 2009 1:16 am PT
  • Category: Opinion
  • 28 Comments
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• 13May 09

  19 (nineteen)

  No this isn't a post-modern nu-art blog with a pretentious title (the pretentious part is the blog itself), but the obligatory birthday blog. The name in the title denotes my age, almost like a clever trick, yet not actually a clever trick at all. But the previously mentioned numbered is perhaps an unecessary one. 18 symbolises adult-hood (or the age of majority, which isn't a good thing, because the majority vote) by law, and then 20 symbolises it numerically? And if you say it like that, rhymerically. So, what is the point of the one in the middle? Perhaps it is to give those hanging onto their youth desperately like an actor one last hurrah, and perhaps it is one last tortorous year of being asosciated with teenagers! Or indeed if we were to look at it philosophically perhaps the number does not matter, because it does not even exist, and I am not even alive, and really all it does is herald one year closer to death, which also does not exist. Which makes me wonder why philosophy is so depressing. Perhaps it is because philosophers themselves realise that their philosophies themselves are meaningless and lash out at this fact with the meaningless philosophy. How poetic. Speaking of poetry, perhaps that is not such a bad thing. Death is merely a part of life, or so the philosophers have told us (which mean life too does not exist) and it is one of life's big achievements. Plus it is the true socialistic-utopia. Everybodygets to die!

  So here's to death! (Even though it doesn't exist.)

  • Posted May 13, 2009 7:51 pm PT
  • Category: People
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