A walrus-less wall.

• 22Sep 09

  Wonderfalls: a Feminist Review

  Wonderfalls is a show that has garnered a cult following. Following the exploits of young woman Jaye Tyler who is smart and witty, it at first glance appears to be a positive show with the right intentions. Jaye has a philosophy degree and seemingly the world at her finger tips, yet if we look a little closer we find that Jaye is working as a sales clerk and living in a trailer park. Her sister, who is a lesbian, and her mother who looks and acts like the perfect 1950s housewife are the only two women in the show with any success.

  

  
  
  Note the devil horns above her symbolising her female-inborn sin. Please.
  
  Yet Jaye isn't happy in her position of failure in life, so maybe it's not all bad? But alas, it is! In a fit of mental illness brought about by finding out that Alec, a young teenage boy in high school, was promoted instead of her, she begins talking to inanimate objects. Wait, this is still sounding very reasonable isn't it? This is the sort of injustice that woman suffer through every day of their lives.
  
  Maybe her mental illness will inspire her to try that little harder (just as all woman must) to try and find some semblance of success. But no, instead it inspires in her her maternal instinct, encouraging her to help others, rather than develop the cut throat attitude required for women to succeed in a modern patriarchal society.
  
  She sets about blindly following what these objects tell her to do, as if following her own instincts, and thus ignoring her rational female-mind. Meanwhile she meets Eric Gotts at a bar (Jaye is an alcoholic) and is immediately infatuated. The show goes on to reveal that Jaye has spent her life breaking men's hearts, yet it presents this in a negative way, while also using her relationship with Eric as a catalyst for her to 'mend' her ways and become a good little housewife, ready to ignore her own desires and needs for her man.
  
  Ironically it is this love that the show says she needs to get her out of her slump—out of the trailer park and into the kitchen?—and find success. Indeed, when the conniving, brain dead bimbo wins back her husband, she falls into an even deeper stupor, spending the day crying and pining over her lost love.
  
  Her love for him also seems to be more maternal than carnal, encouraging him to be happy even if it's without her, and the sex in the show (excluding sex involving her black friend Mahendra and a Russian mail order bride, I say excluding for a reason) is a scene in which Eric's wife is seen pleasuring a bellboy, thus showing that sex is something designed solely for a man's pleasure.

  

  
  
  As you can see here she is leaning forward to ready herself to be 'punished' by her boss, and once again this symbolises that she does not in any way enjoy sexual intercourse, even with a younger man.
  
  Yet when they do fall into each others arms by the end of the series we find that she has found happiness, and that there may be the opportunity for success, showing that only through a man could she possibly be able to be anything more than a sales clerk ordered around by teenage boys.
  
  Her lesbian sister symbolises this in the basest of ways—if a woman cannot find success through a man, but still wants to find success, she must become a man to do so. But it's not just rampant sexism that Wonderfalls displays. I mentioned the mail order bride and black friend earlier.
  
  Now, it goes without saying that a mail order bride is inherently sexist, but this mail order bride is one so stupid and desperate for love that she fell in love with the man buying and selling her like meat. And who was that man? A twelve year old boy. And what became of her? She ended up with his father—once again showing that a woman can only find happiness by fulfilling their most basest of instincts—maternity.
  
  But she also enjoys sex, something only demonstrated with non-white females. Mahendra, Jaye's friend, also enjoys sex. Clearly demonstrating the belief that blacks are of an inferior race to whites and ruled by carnal desires. In fact, all the non-white characters in the show are portrayed in a negative light, from the abusive, obese black female police officer in Crime Dog to the young black thief in Caged Bird.

  

  That's not your imagination. She does look like a watermelon.

  While Caged Bird does feature a bank robber who is white, it is worth noting that they state explicitly that he is not evil because he is an organ donor, yet none of the black characters are treated in such a way.
  
  Not only that but in the episode Totem Mole native Americans are portrayed as greedy, money hungry, superstitious imbeciles. Indeed, the highly successful female native lawyer Deanna Lightfoot develops a delusion after Jaye's lesbian sister succumbs to her male instinct of violence and locks her in a sauna. After developing the delusion, she emerges nude from the sauna, much to the enjoyment of the lesbian and male onlooker, thus further demonstrating what a woman's worth really is.
  
  Indeed, she then leaves her career as a lawyer to become a Native American seer and thus the heterosexual, unmarried, successful woman has successfully been put back in her rightful place in society, both as a native and woman.
  This is the final nail in the sexist and racist coffin for Wonderfalls. The show is full of hatred and suppression and should not be seen by any clear-thinking woman, and should be rightfully shunned and detested.

  

  Again with the devil horns. Apparently they've not heard of subtelty or cIass.

  All is wonderful in Wonderfalls; but only if you are a misogynist, racist man. For once the highly sexist Fox network made a decision that actually benefited women, instead of further lining the pockets of their all male board.
  And I didn't even mention the exorcism.
  
  
  

  • Posted Sep 22, 2009 4:38 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 33 Comments

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• 31Aug 09

  Long Awaited, and Highly Anticipated (by two people)

  Well, you know that photo blog? Here's another one. Click on images then click on it again to enlarge it. Some would call that double clicking, but you have to wait for the page to load. Or squint a lot.

  

  If the people that lived in that house saw this they'd be pissed. Actually, they'd be too stoned to be pissed. (Of course, considering the amount of drink they take in they'd be pissed now!)*

  

  Why the hell is it so hard to focus something well when you're staring into light? Oh yeah BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING BLINDED! The loss of eye sight was worth it IMO, of course now i can't appreciate the beauty of the photo. Oops.

  

  You might think it's strange that I'm repeatedly showing this photo, but it's to demonstrate what it looks like through their eyes; when you're tripping the world's constantly changing!

  

  Okay, this is probably illegal. Not taking the photo, but writing "Foolz" on somebody's front wall.

  

  As you can see they're finally beginning to build roads in Australia. I'm not a fan of it. I saw a car going past yesterday and almost had a heart attack at its speed. It must've been doing at least 50!

  

  Red and Blue. What you can't see is me prying open the car's caboose with a crow bar. The car alarm didn't go off. Take that progress! There was LSD inside. It must've belonged to the people in that house.

  

  HOLY CRAP! A FREAKING LASER JUST DROVE PAST! What the hell was in that LSD? It's not meant to make you see **** like that!

  

  Bad trip, man, bad trip! I can see a freaking ghost, and it's not like those normal ghosts, it's a possum, and I'm like I thought only people could be ghosts cause only people can go to heaven, and then like it disappeared and I thought that maybe it was a midget, and then liked I swallowed my tongue.

  

  OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I'm freaking out! I can taste my own tongue, and it tasted like progress. I think I'm going to vomit!

  

  Oh God! Oh Man! Oh God! Oh Man! It's getting darker, and he's getting more visible. Oh Jesus (forgive me father!) he must be possessing me!

  

  I can feel him inside my body, and he's, and he's...Oh God no!

  

  What the hell was that? Is that an angel? Am I dead, oh God!

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  *I'm just kidding! I don't know these people. This isn't slander because it isn't true! Or is that what makes it slander?

  P.S. I posted this blog using the arm rest of a leather arm chair as my mouse pad. Next time I will use your mother's bareback, and I will do so bareback. (It's kinda hard to use a mouse with a condom on it.)

  • Posted Aug 31, 2009 7:25 am PT
  • Category: Cars
  • 27 Comments

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• 15Jul 09

  @Nobody in Particular

  Hey,

  To whoever is reading this due to it being tagged as an editorial my apologies. But congrats on acutally reading a blog for once, shame it's one that you shouldn't be reaidng!

  To everybody else should I start using @? Your results will be tallied and going by most votes, 49% of you will be screwed.

  Oh, and more photos for Turbo later. But I've got writing to edit.

  /wrists

  • Posted Jul 15, 2009 4:29 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 29 Comments

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• 6Jul 09

  Photos or Everything You Need to Stalk Be---Foolz3h (56K)

  Hey, after witnessing Australia beat Japan 2-1 awhile ago I thought to myself after arriving home: what better way to celebrate than get out the tripod and camera and take photos? These are the results. All taken on my street, so you will now have enough information to find me/and or kill me. Jamie, I'm onto you!

  EDIT: Okay it seems to be working now! CLICK THOSE IMAGES OR SQUINT!

  CLICK ON THE PHOTOS TO ENLARGE THEM! (If imgbay continues to not work I'll upload them on photograph. Some you might want to zoom in for the best effect. Or at least make them larger than they are here on GS! You could always cheat and save them. If you want the original photos without the Foolz mark PM me. Except for Scorpins_Tiger. He can just remove it himself and add in his own. IN THE MEAN TIME THEY CAN BE VIEWED HERE AT A SLIGHTLY LARGER RESOLUTION! Hopefully bayimg is back soon. Stupid pirates.
  

  

  This was a pain in the arse to focus. Not only was it dark but the light was shining in through the viewfinder. This was the sharpest I could come up with, and I am now legally blind in one of my eyes.

  

  My corner. That's the family car conveniently creating the light! Yeah, kinda hard to use any random car driving past when you've got to expose the photo for 10 seconds!

  

  The same phot you say? Nay! The car is in a slightly differnet position. Fog!!!!

  

  I wonder if they care that I photographed their car. Well, even if they do they aren't getting any royalties.

  

  My front fence and somebody else's. I'll leave it to your imagination and non-gender specific intution to figure which. For the record if you go into the wrong house and kill the wrong person I cannot be held legally responsible. I hope.

  

  No, it's not the same photo! When I was looking through them and I saw the green on the right I nearly had a heart attack. I need to go back out there and devote a whole series to that poisoned ivy. It'll be my revenge for a certin itchy Christmas day incident.

  

  The person who owned that garage used to keep cIassic cars in it. It probably won't be long before it's puled down and turned into a generic two story building as well. Which reminds me, I need to go and photograph Jaques...

  

  That didn't stop a single car from driving down there, though. And their stupidity was chronicled for the ages. I'm too nice to show it on here, though! Well, maybe if there's a part 2...

  

  My block and more. And there's that mysterious car again.

  

  The roof of somebody's house. Possibly mine.

  

  Rich--err, my block isn't racist, so here's the black and white verson.

  

  My corner. Clearly the road is closed! You can even see t from here.

  

  Somebody's fence again, and no the shadow of the tripod and camera wasn't an accident. Or at least that's what I'll say.

  

  No, it's not an ocopus.

  

  Yes, it is an octopus.

  

  This was the first large truck that's gone past in years. In fact my mother was remarking on the lack of trucks in recent years just moment before it drove past.

  

  Just to prove once and for all that we have no problem with coloured octopii.

  Well that's all of them for now. If you liked them I can post more from this particular excursion.

  P.S. Michael Bay ate my baby.

  • Posted Jul 6, 2009 1:08 am PT
  • Category: N/A
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• 27Jun 09

  Leave Michael alone!

  Somebody else also died I think. Something about taps…anyway I must admit that this little problem is probably my fault. You see due to a lack of inspiration you will have noticed that a large proportion of my recent blogs have indeed been devoted around those that some might call my readers, others might call them people who are forced to comment on my blog so that I comment on theirs. Yet these same people never seem to be fully satisfied! I write an amazing 1,000 word achievement and all I get is "it should be about Satan and be a list" and "it should rhyme" well I don't see you writing 1,000 word blogs! Well, in the case of the latter sometimes they are much longer but that is besides the point! You've had your recognition—you've been on the soapbox, and I've got what? I've got a broken heart of shattered dreams and a poetical talent for metaphor!
  Of course taking into consideration bozanimal's moderation, if I was on the soapbox metal gear porn probably would have got me banned. But considering none of you guys care I suppose it wouldn't matter!

  Here's a list of why you shouldn't tell me to do things:

  1. So, if I don't get onto the soapbox with this then Satan, Lucifer, Woland, azzazalo and the devil will be angry enough to kill whoever reads editorials, and make them corporeal. That rhymed, I wish I had time to continue, but I don't, so I won't.

  
  Now, now that you know never to ask for anything ever again let me say up yours, because now I am yet again out of ideas. Thanks for nothing!

  • Posted Jun 27, 2009 5:51 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 35 Comments

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• 12Jun 09

  A Thousand Words Say a Picture

  

  A picture says a thousand words, or so they say. But the above picture is the only picture I have seen that says such a thing, and I made it myself! Admittedly it's not a very good picture, but at least it is unique. Well, probably not, but at least I made it myself.
  
  Err, my point is that I wonder if a thousand words could say a picture? Generally you only need one word to say picture, but I thought given that I have no other ideas I may as well plagiarise bacchus2 like a good little Scorpion and see if I can write one thousand words about a picture.

  
  When I look at this picture I notice two things. The first of which is that she has no pubic hair, yet she is in a fantasy setting, which generally takes its cues from medieval times. The second is, of course, whether all that hair is from her head, or if some of it is from her armpits. In which case it just makes the fact that she has no pubic hair all the more puzzling.
  
  Freud himself would latch onto the pubic hair like hot wax and perhaps he would be right. Maybe it does indeed symbolise the sexual oppression of women, for despite how much we hate body hair, it is naturally a sign of sexual maturity. Maybe the media is right and we are indeed all paedophiles. Certainly the dragon is. I mean it must be several hundred years old, but look at how smooth its skin is. Of course naturally the scales are smooth, but the skin underneath? The only explanation is that the smoke is youthful essence.
  
  Though it does have a shocking case of varicose veins in its left wing. I said its left wing so don't open your mouth. And then we get the two henchmen holding their piercing phallic images. Apparently the fact that the dragon has a black (negro), white (alfrego), and Hispanic (Asian) head wasn't enough to demonstrate how progressively minded they were back in medieval times as both creatures are also from different ethnicities.
  
  Undoubtedly the woman is a foreign student and despite both creatures being from different ethnicities they are still bogans. So perhaps Freud is wrong and they won't rape her. She'll just be bashed. Naturally of course being bashed isn't necessarily a whole lot worse than being raped depending on the circumstances, but even in medieval terms rape was taboo, but apparently paedophilia, was not.
  
  Indeed if we look closely at the damsel in distress we find something as disturbing as a Bill Henson photo. Apart from the lack of pubic hair she also has a very child-like face. Indeed the only sign of sexual maturity are breasts which most young girls often develop long before the age of sexual consent. Suffice it to say she must be under the age of 16 and under Victorian federal law raping her would be illegal. Sure, it would be erotic in a medieval-royal-incest kind of way, but still there is no doubt it would be illegal.
  
  Speaking of royal incest one can't help but notice the striking similarity between princess Diana and prince William. Oh sure he's her son but that's beside the point. The point being that the God damned dragon has several different heads. This is the sort of mutation that can only be brought about by severe inbreeding that would make even those from Adelaide blush. Tasmania and Canada on the other hand would probably be glad to bring it into their small genetic make up for a bit of well needed variety.
  
  Another disturbing mutation is its right arm. (I said its right arm, would you just shut up and read!) Indeed it appears to have the muscles and structure of a man's arm—or in this case a ten year old girl—yet the paw of a lizard and the boil of an old school English joke.
  
  Going back to Freud one should note all the obvious phallic images. There are points on everything from wings to paws to weapons to armour to scales to mouths to tails to architecture to pubic hair. It is clear that the author is secretly homosexual unless it was drawn by a woman in which case it was probably co-drawn by Germaine Greer and Margaret Mead.
  
  Mead. An alcoholic beverage popular at the time. Most possibly probably the artist had indeed ingested a large amount of mead and/or Mead's bodily fluids which had given him an alcoholic high or in the case of Germaine Greer a menstrual blood-high which acts a little like vampires and werewolves insomuch as she'll be hunting down teen boys on camera. However they are teen boys and love it so she is not a paedophile. But she is ugly so she is a rapist.
  
  Speaking of ugly rapists why are there skulls adorning the big buckets of semen—I mean youthful essence—however ladies, the next time your gentleman pleads to let him give you the most pretty pearl necklace remember that it is high in calcium and women are very prone osteoporosis so as long as you eat (don't let him, I think we can all agree that felching is a little over the top) it afterwards then it's good for you. Same goes for buttocks sex—it's a great laxative! Kinda like sticking your finger—or something else—down your throat. But unlike that it's not likely to destroy your teeth. However it may also not be as fun or as slimming—why would you put skulls on your architecture. Is this some sort of weird medieval tradition? I mean it's not like we modern people adorn our walls with pictures of animals skulls is it? Sure dead animal's heads, I'll give you that, but even then they've usually been stuffed.
  
  Truly, man was once savages, as symbolised by the fact that all the male characters in the drawing are not men. In fact one of the dragon's heads is probably female, but that is what one must risk when one cannot resist to fist one's own sister. Yes, for once you are right, mister, that did rhyme, be quiet, I've not missed ya.
  
  But hey, the royals have to keep the bloodline going. Who cares if Prince William was stupider than the model he dated. Though it does explain why Princess Diana was killed. Royals sleeping around is one thing but you must sleep around in the family! Sadly she went elsewhere and look what happened. I suppose only the Danish can get away with it. Those crazy Danes.

  • Posted Jun 12, 2009 1:16 am PT
  • Category: Opinion
  • 28 Comments

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• 13May 09

  19 (nineteen)

  No this isn't a post-modern nu-art blog with a pretentious title (the pretentious part is the blog itself), but the obligatory birthday blog. The name in the title denotes my age, almost like a clever trick, yet not actually a clever trick at all. But the previously mentioned numbered is perhaps an unecessary one. 18 symbolises adult-hood (or the age of majority, which isn't a good thing, because the majority vote) by law, and then 20 symbolises it numerically? And if you say it like that, rhymerically. So, what is the point of the one in the middle? Perhaps it is to give those hanging onto their youth desperately like an actor one last hurrah, and perhaps it is one last tortorous year of being asosciated with teenagers! Or indeed if we were to look at it philosophically perhaps the number does not matter, because it does not even exist, and I am not even alive, and really all it does is herald one year closer to death, which also does not exist. Which makes me wonder why philosophy is so depressing. Perhaps it is because philosophers themselves realise that their philosophies themselves are meaningless and lash out at this fact with the meaningless philosophy. How poetic. Speaking of poetry, perhaps that is not such a bad thing. Death is merely a part of life, or so the philosophers have told us (which mean life too does not exist) and it is one of life's big achievements. Plus it is the true socialistic-utopia. Everybodygets to die!

  So here's to death! (Even though it doesn't exist.)

  • Posted May 13, 2009 7:50 pm PT
  • Category: People
  • 56 Comments

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• 28Apr 09

  Winnie the Pooh

  

  A Rabbit.

  Recently a perplexing question was posed to me. "Is the Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh a man or woman?"
  While the gender is ambiguous in the stories of the same name, the species is certainly not. Indeed, Rabbit is called Rabbit and has the appearance of a rabbit and is a rabbit. [1]

  
  

  A woman.

  Yet, perhaps Rabbit is an allegory—or a metaphor, a sick and insidious introduction to the world of sexual fetish for children too young to comprehend what is really happening. Indeed it is not rare for sexual fetishes to manifest themselves in children's fiction. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was written to "to pleasure children" in the author's own words.
  Lewis Carroll, another prominent children's author, has long been thought to have been a paedophile. From his photos that were as pornographic, if not more so, as Bill Henson's own disgusting 'art', to his friendships with young girls, there is much evidence to back this up. [2] [3] [4]

  

  A man.

  Yet perhaps Milne's anthropomorphic animals are even more dangerous. When one look at the animals in Winnie the Pooh one finds that most of them are based on stuffed dolls. This covers plushie fetishes. And Winnie the Pooh himself is an obese individual who clearly fits into the fat fetish, especially with his over-eating. Piglet who is often found clinging to Pooh, and clearly craves sexuality intimacy with him, and is obviously suffering from Macrophilia: a sexual fetish where the sick individual craves being dominated by a giant or giantess. [5] [6] [7]

  

  Piglet being dominated by Pooh.

  Tigger is perhaps the most anthropomorphised character, and indeed, when a furry fetishist dresses up as him, there is little difference between them and the illustrations. [8]

  

  Note the big difference in accuracy between the Pooh furry, and the Tigger one.

  Donkey is arguably the most plush-like character, and indeed, perhaps he is used to drive home the plush fetish in case any children miss it. [9]
  And that leaves us with Rabbit. Arguably the most realistic of Winnie the Pooh characters, and as such, also the most disturbing. Only in countries like Sweden and Denmark is bestiality legal, yet here we find a character no promoting furry sex, but blatantly promoting bestiality! In 2005 in Sweden there was a large spike in horse-ripping incidents, a sexual fetish that involves the mutilation of horses, and one should take note of that fact that in 2005 the Winnie the Pooh books were freely available in Sweden. This clearly proves that there is an undeniable link between cases of bestiality and how widely read Winnie the Pooh is.
  So is Rabbit a man or a woman? I wish I could say that it was either, but unfortunately it would appear that Rabbit is actually a rabbit. He is used as a narrative device to symbolise bestiality along with the other sickening mental illnesses expressed in the Winnie the Pooh books. [10]
  So now that you know the truth behind Winnie the Pooh I implore you to please burn all of the books you find, and if you find anybody who does not want to burnt heir book, report them to social services so that they may receive the psychological help that they so desperately need. Remember, the fate of society rests in your hands. Good luck.
  

  • Posted Apr 28, 2009 2:51 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 26 Comments

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• 1Apr 09

  Fashionista gusta de huego!

  Here's 15 things you may or may not know about me.

  1 I thought of this list very easily
  2 I thought that a list of 15 instead of 5 things was perfectly reasonable
  3 If I could have, I would have voted fro Obama
  4 I was sad when John Howard got voted out
  5 I was glad when Rudd got voted in
  6 I am a strong supporter of Sex Party of Australia
  7 I love Christopher Pyne and wish he was running for president
  8 I've always wanted to find the cIitoris
  9 but when I did, I was surprised by the fact that it was a giant pink jelly
  10 I love Richard Dawkins
  11 I George Orwell is a great writer
  12 Especcially when compared to Ray Bradbury is terrible
  13 I am so superstious that I wanted to skip this one
  14 I rarely make typos
  15 I proof-rad and spell checked this.

  Bonus! 16. I believe they should rename it April Foolz day.

  I nominate Fionnbharr, Veni-Vedi-Vici, Ezra44, stevenscott14, Nodham

  Also, here is a rick roll.

  • Posted Apr 1, 2009 1:54 am PT
  • Category: Fashion
  • 32 Comments

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• 17Mar 09

  Witchblade: a Feminist Analysis

  I am sure many of you are familiar with the American Comic Witchblade. I'm not. I am however familiar with the anime Witchblade based on the comic Witchblade. Though, I must admit I am not very familiar with it, in fact I have only seen four episodes, but I believe that is more than enough for a feminist analysis.

  It's a little hard to know where to begin, so I will begin at the beginning. The show opens with Masane Amaha returning to Tokyo with her daughter Rihoko. There was previously a catastrophic event that ravaged Tokyo (as there always is) and Masane was found with Rihoko at ground zero.

  
  The supreme mother.

  
  The first thing one notices in these opening scenes is the size of Masane's breasts. And they are an important symbol. Breasts symbolise femininity, and motherhood, and she clearly loves her daughter dearly. Early on it is revealed the Child Welfare group NSWF does not believe she is a good mother and wishes to take her child away from her. The female Child Welfare agent that does indeed succeed in separating Rihoko from her mother does not have such large breasts. This could very well be used as a symbol for her own un-motherly actions, and her lack of understanding of the mother and daughter bond.

  But before I go on I should mention the Witchblade. It is a mystical weapon that was long sought after by men, but can only be wielded by women. There are many things that this could symbolise. It could be the cItoris---female orgasm---but I believe that it symbolises motherhood itself. I am sure my readers are aware that men cannot bare children. And who did the Witchblade attach itself to? Masane herself---the woman that symbolises absolute motherhood.

  But it also symbolises the absolute sexual power that women have over men. The Ex-Cons are monsters that Masane must fight against. They are walking phallic images that are motivated by a sadistic sexual desire that can only be achieved by brutally murdering people---mostly women. And who are the Ex-Cons most attracted to? Who do they find most irresistible? The supreme mother herself, Masane.

  But to symbolise her power over them, and to take the symbol further, Masane generally teases them for a moment, before slicing their phallic image in two with sexual glee, showing that woman's---the mother's---ability to easily take away a man's very manhood.

  Indeed, after they are separated Rihoko seeks solace in a bar run by another woman with big breasts. She reluctantly helps the helpless child, yet again showing that the breast symbolise a motherly instinct. In fact, as cold as she is, it is clear that she does care for Rihoko when she places a blanket over the small girl as she lies sleeping, arms around the leg of a table.

  Yet here we see the beginnings of the cynical projection of women in an animation animated by men. Rihoko is the only truly innocent character in the show, male or female---in fact she is the only female character without breasts that is portrayed positively. And perhaps this stems from a child's perceived sexual innocence. Without the breasts she might not be a mother---but more importantly she is not a sexual being. The women with small breast are still women, but they are women good only for sex and not motherhood, which greatly degrades all women.

  For example, Shiori Tsuzuki, who is the secretary of Tatsuoki Furumizu, has small breasts, so is not fit to be a mother, or even for a man's sexual pleasure. This is symbolised by Shori's infatuation with her mistress; indeed Shiori is madly in lust with her mistress, and is of no use to male sexuality.

  But not all the women with small breasts are lesbians, and indeed some do serve some sexual use for men. A woman with small breasts bumps into Rihoko as she runs through a crowd, and she appears to help the young girl, but a few scenes later it is revealed that she in fact stole Rihoko's money. Not exactly a compassionate mother. But to symbolise that while she might not be a mother, she can still serve her purpose as a sex object for men, she is sexually brutalised by an Ex-Con in the form of forced penetration, and to symbolise that she enjoyed it despite it being rape, she was killed by 'heating her up', through forced self-penetration by the Ex-Con. Heat being a cultural metaphor for sexual arousal.

  Indeed, the NSWF, which is in fact a cover organisation who are desperately in search of the Witchblade, is populated by large breasted women (lesbians aside) who wish to wield the Witchblade. But at the top they are lead by a man. Perhaps Child Welfare symbolises female infertility; indeed if the Witchblade symbolises female fertility, then it must. These women are infertile, and are desperate to have children, so they must search out the Witchblade.

  But as the enlightened women of today know, those women who desire children must have been coerced into it by someone, for no intelligent woman could want children. Indeed, to further illustrate this point I will point out that Masane is a complete klutz and suffers from a severe lack of motor skills, which is a symptom of mental retardation, which in itself, is a symptom of a non-conditioned desire for motherhood. This fact is so real and unavoidable that even the male psyches that produced the show inadvertently included it.

  But back to the coercion. Who could have coerced them to it? Why, the head of the organisation himself, who is in fact the father of one of them. And perhaps this symbol could be taken further, and he could be seen as the father of all of them. In fact, he should be seen as an abusive father who does not want his infertile daughters to have a sexuality, but even he knows that they do, and he knows that the only way for a woman's sexuality to exist and be right in the male psyche is if they are mothers.

  And now we come to the most interesting little piece of this sexist puzzle, and that is the creator of the Ex-Cons themselves---the creators of manhood. The Ex-Cons were created by the Douji Group. The Douji Group is lead by a powerful man---the alpha male. The show shows that in the male psyche a woman's motivation is either motherhood or lust, and he coerces Masane into helping him destroy the Ex-Cons by offering her her daughter. Perhaps this is their only concession in that he is helping a woman destroy his own manhood, but more likely it is the most disturbing projection of the whole show.

  You see, during the great quake the Ex-Cons were accidentally released, and perhaps this symbolises that the Alpha Male himself is so male, that he must have all the women to himself. It is how wolf packs operate, with the alpha male going from female to female and impregnating them one by one.

  Finally, though, we come to one of the least subtle symbols in Witchblade. The Tokyo Tower. It is a towering phallic image that reaches up into the sky. Early on in the show Masane tells Rihoko that if they get separated they will meet at the Tokyo Tower, and after escaping from the NSWF Rihoko runs to the comfort of the phallic image. Eventually Masane takes her there. Perhaps this symbolises that the two are still linked by their sexuality, and that no matter how old, and no matter how young Rihoko is, she is still nothing more than a sex object, just as all women are in the male psyche. Indeed, Masane was taken to her daughter by a man, and as the credits roll, one can only imagine what horrors are being done to the young, innocent, Rihoko.

  And on that truly disturbing symbol I'm afraid I cannot go on as I have not watched any more, and I wish I didn't have to watch any more. But I must, for I watch it so you may not.

  
  She's not smiling anymore...

  • Posted Mar 17, 2009 5:08 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 6Mar 09

  Damned if you boo, damned if you don't

  I've got used to the media's vendetta against football in Australia, but what doesn't quite sit right is when the FFA comes out to join in with the media circus. After the rather spiteful 2009 grand final Ben Buckley himself came out to say that he wants passion but not booing. Why is this comment so much more cringe worthy than anything to have come out of the media so recently? Because he should be supporting football? Well, that's part of it, but it's even worse than that.
  Let's take a look at the comment:

  
  "Obviously passions run high but that can't excuse it. We want to see passion but there can sometimes spill over in a negative way.
  "I don't want to see that again in the future. Adelaide should have been applauded for the way they played."

  
  The unfortunate thing is, this season, the FFA has done everything they can to try and destroy passion in the A-League. Football fans have got used to the draconian security and riot police that stare hatefully at the crowd and verbally abuse and forcefully remove them from the stadium for doing nothing more than shouting too loud, but when the FFA themselves introduced new ticketing rules this season that meant at the ends of the pitch-where the main supporters group stand-were numbered seats, they struck a big blow for games getting a decent atmosphere. The numbered seats meant that the areas behind the goal were fragmented, and the size of the supporters groups was drastically downsized. Not only that, but your average general attendance ticket buyer could not sit down there and that meant that the stragglers that could join in with the main supporters group which cut down their numbers even further.

  
  Apart from that this is Australia, and not Europe. It'd nice to have most of the crowd singing the team's songs during a trophy presentation but you have to be realistic. Four years and you expect a whole stadium to be able to sing, which is a new concept to most people there? The best way for the whole crowd to unite as one is through far more simple things-like reactions to something that the whole stadium feels, and in this case it was disgust at the behavior of Adelaide United on the pitch, and 50,000 people all feeling the same thing, and expressing it vocally, is almost as good as 50,000 people singing.

  
  So please, Buckley, complain all you want about passion, but don't act like you actually want it in any way or form.
  Of course it's all a little ironic too. The same media that has reacted with disgust and condemnation to a real sporting rivalry are exactly the same media who have called it a "plastic league" with no real feeling or rivalries. But that's to be expected. You're damned if you boo and you're damned if you don't. If you follow football, that is.

  
  Not only that, but of all the teams in the A-League I can't think of one that actually has more respect for each other, both by the fans and the players. Respect is not a simple matter of clapping politely and applauding when the team you're against scores; it goes much deeper than that. Think of the people you are most polite to? It's probably not the people you respected; most likely it was the people that you are most uninhibited with that you truly respected.

  
  Melbourne Victory respects Adelaide United and vice versa. Unlike the rivalry with Sydney F.C. which lasted a couple of seasons before they simply became too much of a joke of a club to respect or care about and so the rivalry dissolved into a minor feeling of distaste. The same is true in other leagues too. But rivalries are a very complex thing. Take a look at Manchester United and Manchester City or Liverpool they've had years to instill a true rivalry so even if there is little respect on the pitch the rivalry does not suffer. But they have had time and we have not. However, despite the disgust with Chelsea's money-spending ways, and there not being such a strong history of rivalry between the two, when United and Chelsea play, the fans pay attention and watch, because for that game at least, they're playing against a rival that they can respect and that they know will try and win at all costs. Even if Chelsea will just try and win by 1.

  
  The same is true with Victory and United. Whenever they play they know that both teams will do absolutely everything they can to win, legal or not, questionable or not. And that is where the respect is earned. Sure, professional sportsmen and fans respect sportsmanship, but above all, they respect an absolute dedication for the team they're playing for, and a will to win for them. And on both sides of the pitch when Victory play United that willingness is there, and so is the respect.

  
  In fact, during the semi-final which was around the time of the bush fires the Adelaide fans had a banner of condolence for the Victory fans. As much has been made of Adelaide's pathetic attendance to the semi-final against Queensland, for the Adelaide fans that actually do care about the club, I think they definitely have our respect, and that is why we are willing to abuse their players for every dirty little tackle and complaint to the ref that they make, yet at the end of the day we can still accept their condolences after a tragedy. Surely that is real respect?

  • Posted Mar 6, 2009 11:15 pm PT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 1Mar 09

  2009 A-League Grand Final

  There was only 1 goal, but the 2009 A-League grand final was every bit as entertaining as the 6-0 thrashing handed out to Adelaide United two seasons ago. And last night they would have found themselves much more crushed because the game was a hard fought contest. It wasn't a free flowing game of football, and it wasn't a showcase of the technical excellence that Melbourne is capable of producing, but it was a gladiatorial battle between two teams who despise each other.

  The Presets proved that only is an open stadium an absolutely terrible place for any type of music to be played, but that pre-match entertainment takes a little bit away from the anxiousness before a grand final. Yet when the music was gone and the match began it didn't take long until any noise The Presets could have produced would have been drowned out by furious shouts as Vargas was left bleeding on the ground. Cristiano was wrongly set off and the precedent was set. Adelaide reacted by defending with 11—err, 10 players in front of their goal.

  Vidmar can blame the sending off all he wants, but the fact is his tactical reaction was slow. It was not until half time that he brought on another striker (not that Agostino is much of a striker any more!) and for the first 10 minutes of the first half they dominated. It took Ward being taken off for Berger (a fullback) for Melbourne to regain control again. Still, Adelaide does like defending, as it's a little harder to try and injure your opponent and start brawls, when you're attacking.

  As I said it may not have been a showcase of technical football but it certainly was one hell of a physical contest. A bitter one at that. Multiple little 'arguments' broke out with regularity and the game was lucky to finish with only two players being sent off, and half the Adelaide team being booked.

  After Adelaide's goalkeeper (a former player of ours) pushed over Allsopp another scuffle broke out and Allsopp head butted Cornthwaite and he too was given his marching orders. Naturally nothing happened to Galekovic, indeed he was the one that alerted the woeful Mathew Breeze to the head-butt!

  

  That's not to say there wasn't some good football on display. Both goalkeepers put in absolutely amazing performances by pulling off a handful of fantastic saves and it took a fantastic long range strike from Tom Pondeljak to break the deadlock. At which point there was a mysterious rain of beer sprayed down from the upper tier as the crowd exploded. I hope it was beer anyway...

  There was another beer-rain when the full whistle was blown after an agonising three minutes of stoppage time which felt far closer to thirty minutes. But when it was finally over the second time was far more satisfying than the first. The first was a surreal experience, but this was an awesome one. We were pushed all the way in a violent contest yet we were still the ones that landed the final blow despite the viciousness of Adelaide's play.

  The atmosphere for the whole match was fantastic too (despite the pasison police telling people to 'shut their trap or get out' and stop standing on seats. I stared distastefully at one of them, and when I managed to catch their eye they liked away in terror gg). The Blue and White Brigade seemed quite quiet to me (I was next to them) and a little disjointed, and perhaps this is because I like Australian atmospheres, but there's nothing better than having 53,000 people shouting passionately. Indeed it's even better than having a few hundred or thousand singing.

  In fact, 50,000 people booing Adelaide after the match was just plain awesome. A woman behind me was not too impressed by it and singled me out for me wearing a t-shirt with Jesus on the back (apparently I was nothing like Jesus!) but after the bitterness of the contest it just made it all the sweeter and more satisfying.

  Bring on next season.

  

  Merrick...smiling?

  • Posted Mar 1, 2009 4:20 am PT
  • Category: Sports
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• 20Feb 09

  Virtua Zombies

  I was tagged, but unfortunately this is what happened to me as soon I was tagged:

  

  So I can tag no one else.

  Speaking of Zombies, I am currently writing impressions for HOTD: Overkill over a The VG Press. I am too lazy to remove all the swearing, so I will simply give you the link instead. House of the Dead: Overkill: Impressions.

  And now onto the blog...

  One of my fondest gaming memories is playing Virtua Tennis with friends and family. It all started with a friend's Dreamcast and Virtua Tennis 2. After a few games of PowerStone or Code Veronica we always made sure to have a session of Virtua Tennis. Why? Well, it was fun! But it was more than that. It was our own psychedelic drug with no side effects apart from a sore stomach. You see, for some reason whenever we played it we broke out into uncontrollable laughter. There may or may not have been something in the food there that only began to take affect towards the end of the visit but whether or not there was, the fact of the matter was that whenever Virtua Tennis 2 was played, it resulted in uncontrollable laughter.

  I've asked myself why many times, but I have only come up with theories. Before that, though, let me tell you that this phenomenon did not continue on with Virtua Tennis 2002 on the PS2 (or whatever the hell it was called). It was a fun game, but when I played it, it wasn't a drug. It was a tennis game. Of course it did start the greatest doubles partnership of all time: Carlos Moya and Patrick Rafter. Unbeatable!

  But today I played Virtua Tennis 3. I laughed. The psychedelic drug was back! And I think may have found the answer to why it is so hilarious. Virtua Tennis 2002 was slower than Virtua Tennis 3 and more realistic. But Virtua Tennis 3 is all out an arcade tennis game played at a frantic pace. The animations and everything about it are completely comical. We would both crowd around the net and go for every ball and if we were at the back of the line then we would dive for the ball in tandem.

  A doubles pairing of Nadal and Federer was funny enough, but when they were both either diving for the ball in slow motion or going for the same smash in tandem at light speed was even funnier. But nothing was quite as funny as the pairing of Tim Henman and Layton Hewitt. The fact that Henman was there was funny enough, but when he's at the net with Hewitt, who went for every smash in front of Henman, but somehow missed it was simply too hilarious. And to top it all of it turns out if you run around on the spot your shoes squeak—a strategy even more annoying and effective than Anna Ivanovic's girly jumps as her opponent serves.

  Unfortunately the skill level of the AI had increased, so Hewitt couldn't do his dummy smashes at the front of the net and was relegated to diving at the baseline, however he took the opportunity to make as much noise with his shoes as possible when he wasn't diving.

  I may just have finally figured it out.

  • Posted Feb 20, 2009 3:30 am PT
  • Category: Games
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• 12Feb 09

  Zombie Segregation

  Originally written for The VG Press.

  With Al Sharpton blowing his top over RE5 you have to wonder why Left 4 Dead has been given a free run despite its subtle racist tones. Yeah, it's true there is a playable character named "Louis", and the zombies are not black, but I'm afraid that is the very reason it is racist. If a film contains a black man being degraded because he is black it is racist. Indeed, the fact that it contains a black man does not give it a free pass; in fact that very reason that it is racist is that it contains a black man being degraded for being black. The fact that it contains a black man does not mean it is not racist given the context.

  So just why is left 4 dead racist? It is a product of the ghetto mentality where failure is a fact and dreams and success are attainted only through drugs or music. But these dreams are a one in a million chance and in reality most that are born in the ghetto die in the ghetto. Indeed, most that are born in the ghetto toil for little to no reward.

  But Valve aren't idiots. They know they have to tone down their racist undertones. What is the white man's to toiling with no reward? A job in an office. Sure things look fine and dandy on the outside and one could be considered almost successful if one managed to land such a job, but like toiling on the corner selling crack, the minor rewards are far outweighed by the stress of working for them. In the case of the crack dealer it's the increased chance of arrest, murder and poverty, and in the case of the office worker it is a lack of respect, thanks, and a meaningless life.

  IT is an especially unstable field, and one with extreme highs and extreme lows. Just like a crack dealer you might be a millionaire one moment and then the next you could very well be in gaol or out on the street due to unsavoury business practices. The similarities are endless.

  But perhaps most disturbing of all is the fact that all the previous characters have a distinct personality. Francis is a badarse biker who will clearly take **** from nobody, and Zoey not only attended college, but is also an independent woman who has a keen interest in horror movies, and Bill has served his country. But Louis? He is an IT specialist with no personality and nothing to aspire to.

  Valve's opinion of blacks is clearly that they are mere lemmings, capable only of menial labour in a meaningless job in a meaningless office—or to cut open the metaphor: capable only of peddling crack or being peddled in a state penitentiary.

  And even if Louis is seen to be as semi-successful there is still the fact that he is a Junior Systems Analyst. Which goes to show that even if you take a black man out of the ghetto in society's eyes you can't take the ghetto out of a black man. No matter how hard Louis works, and no matter how hard he tries, the depressing fact is that—even today—he will still get no higher than Junior Assistant Manager.

  Yet he is one of the survivors. Perhaps Valve deserves some credit for not merely killing him or portraying him as a mindless Zombie, but most likely it is for an even more nefarious reason. The black man has long been a victim of more than slavery in the cotton fields—yes, he has been forced to fight in wars for the country that once hanged his fathers and raped his mothers, and when he has done his part he is given no recognition.

  Indeed, it is quite likely that he was kept alive simply to show that even during a zombie invasion the black man will be forced to fight to save the white man. Admittedly a biker is not necessarily such a well respected social position, however there is yet more racist reasoning in including one. Valve have included an attractive young college student simply to symbolise the carnal and sub-human sexual urges that they believe black men have, and what does it take to stop a horny black man around an attractive young college student? A biker and a Green Beret. Indeed, even with the threat of the Zombie apocalypse Valve seem to believe that the black man will be more concerned with sex than stopping himself from being eaten alive.

  It is quite depressing to see that even in this day and age such overt racist tones, and even more depressing to see it wholly ignored by both the gaming media and the community. Instead of focusing on hillbilly white trash we should be focusing on the clear and overt racism still prevalent in modern American culture. Hasn't the black man been through enough?

  • Posted Feb 12, 2009 2:46 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 2Feb 09

  Australian Open 2009 Commentary Highlights

  With the Australian Open (and my three year GS anniversary) having come and gone again and provided us with two cIassic matches, the thing that sticks in my mind isn't the tennis, it's the commentary.

  [On Eric Banner]

  "He chillingly portrayed one of Australia's most notorious and colourful characters"

  John Alexander

  "And The Incredible Hulk, which is a more cheesy picture and a lot easier to relate."

  Jim Courier

  

  He wasn't even English. So it's surprising that he choked.

  I'm sure tennis players have been asked this kind of a physical question but I've never seen it."

  Jim Courier

  "Careers—matches—can hang on games like this it's huge."

  Jim Courier

  "My, what a tug of war, and this is just a microcosm of the war."

  Jim Courier

  "That's just a language I can't speak, in my tennis career I couldn't speak that language. "

  Jim Courier

  

  Potantial capitulation or what?

  "That's something we'll never see from Federer and that's potential capitulation."

  Jim Courier

  "And after epic game it's Federer who wins it."

  Jim Courier.

  "The energy is just being drawn into his body and he's growing in stature while Federer is diminished."

  Jim Courier.

  

  The psychology of counseling: Rafa World's Number 1 Tennis counselor

  "The psychology of the game is just so big… For both players."

  Jim Courier.

  "And I just marked the time there, an hour and 35 minutes, just saw something in Rafa [it was later revealed that he had seen 'energy' in 'Rafa']."

  Jim Courier.

  "My parents met playing tennis as many couples of that era did. The game started at love all."

  John Alexander.

  [Immediately after the above comment]

  "Another kiss from the net."

  Jim Courier."

  

  The Wall spends a lot of time sitting or lying around.

  "Nadal's showing he's a wall and sometimes you have to go around the wall not through. So he played it in front of him."

  Jim Courier.

  "Nadal coming back after 5 hours of savage brutality on his body. "

  Jim Courier.

  "This is sport but it's theatre. This is true reality TV—no editing."

  Jim Courier.

  "No one's ever bagel'd him—put a bread stick on him."

  Jim Courier.

  "I'd say his fitness training has paid off, he's still standing against a barbarian of a tennis player who puts you through the ringer."

  Jim Courier

  "Technically her technique is strange, mostly her upper body—the way she leans over her balls."

  Roger Rasheed

  "Nothing but trouble, Del Potro is not using his brain. He's got tunnel vision he's decided he'll do what he does better and Federer is feeding off of his power."

  "About to go Pef?"

  Jim Courier

  "He looks spent, but still managing the appearance of freshness"

  John Alexander

  

  Seriously, that was the favourite?

  • Posted Feb 2, 2009 3:49 am PT
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• 25Jan 09

  Half-Life 2

  This isn't a tradional review---in fact I'm not sure you could even call it a review. It's basically what I thought while i was playing the game, and as such it contains some minor gameplay spoilers. Mostly I have tried to avoid them, and it doesn't really gave away much in detail. Nevertheless if you don't want anything spoilred you probably shouldn't read it! But bear in mind that it's minor stuff.

  Oh, and once again I can't post it as a review because it's not a review of The Orange Box---in fact I can't post it as a blog because it's too long! I hope you like it etiher way.

  Half-Life 2.

  • Posted Jan 25, 2009 4:07 am PT
  • Category: Games
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• 22Jan 09

  If the graphics weren't confusing enough...

  Manuel: An Autobiography

  My parents abandoned me at a young age. But instead of dropping me off at someone's door step, they dropped me in the walrus enclosure. Luckily the normally brutal walruses had been de-tusked for the safety of the zoos patrons, so I was in no danger.

  

  A tusk-less Walrus.

  With the zoo keepers mistaking me for a baby Walrus, and the Walrus finding that I didn't taste like molluscs, they took me on and raised me as a Walrus. I could never fluently speak Walrus, but we had a mutual understanding of love, and when the time came they knew I had to leave. However the zoo keepers were not so understanding.

  Still under the impression that I was a Walrus, they would not let me escape from the enclosure. But the Walruses managed to overpower the zoo keepers in a vicious battle that lasted several weeks. There were no human survivors, save me. I learnt how to say goodbye in Walrus so that I could bid them farewell properly, and on the day I was to leave, I managed to say: "…" and I left happily.

  However, my first years spent in the human world were not so enjoyable. I found quickly that I needed to learn how to speak, and that nobody was able to pronounce my Walrus name: "Tuku Nitaka", which roughly means, "the one with tusks".

  I tried to take an English cIass but with no form of identification I found quickly that I did not exist, and as a Walrus—not a person—I had no rights. I fell into squalor for many of my first years in the human world, and it wasn't long before I found Bearshine. It may not be politically correct to say that a drug saved me from squalor, but the smooth, shiny, and golden liquid that is available in over 250 different flavour combinations—all better than the last—gave me the determination and the confidence to take the human world on.

  The first thing I realised was that I needed a human name—with a name I would be recognised as a human. But before that I had to learn English. I first attempted to use Babelfish and Google Translator, but there was no "Walrus" option, so I knew I only had one option: Greenpeace.

  I'd heard tales of the people at Greenpeace who would try and seduce Walruses. They were fluent in both English and Walrus, and they treated Walruses mostly well, though all Walruses knew that they treated them well only in the hope of sexual gratification.

  I went to the cheapest area of the local university and found a young Greenpeace member who called herself "Tuku Latika Gutika" which translates roughly to "The Gentle Lady". But she was not gentle. In fact she was a strong fan of discipline. Whenever I got a word wrong I would get the strap, but I am thankful, for it was not long before I was fluent in English (I still wasn't very good at Walrus, though).

  I headed for the court, ready and willing to change my name to Manuel Jesús Fabregas, but I had no birth certificate, or identification, so I had no way to prove what my current name was. I thought I was beaten. I headed back to the zoo to live with my fellow Walrus, and be free of the world that rejected me. I found the zoo was ruled by the Walrus who used the otters as their slaves, and the gorillas as their groomers. I had an insidious idea. It was time for a coup d'état!

  The entire zoo converged on the court and took it over in a bloody battle that lasted several weeks. There were no human survivors, save me. I wrote myself into the last census, changed my name, and ruled the human world with my Walrus brothers. Then I wrote my memoirs which you just read.

  • Posted Jan 22, 2009 2:52 am PT
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• 15Jan 09

  Two Reviews and...

  No quiz!

  Portal Review

  Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones Review

  (To recommend or un-remmend!)

  I received Prince of Persia: the Two Thrones for free thanks to the good people at Next Publishing. I wasn't looking forward to playing it, but when my World of Warcraft subscription ran out I thought, what the hell. As the intro rolled my scepticism grew. The story sucked, the voice acting sucked, and then, as the actual game began, the gameplay sucked. But then at some point it hit me like an epileptic fit: the story and the voice acting were suddenly so bad they were good-listening to the Prince's emotional rants about his destroyed city and his father was hilarious, and so was watching him transform into the Dark Prince, which in its effort to be dramatic, ended up looking like an orgasm and an epileptic fit rolled into one. In fact, now that I think about it, it was soon after he first transformed that it hit me-soon after the twist (and I use the term loosely) that revealed what the Dark Prince really was, I realised how absolutely hilarious the game was. And that made the inner-dialogue between the two all the better.
  I must admit I warmed to the gameplay a little quicker. It's linear, it doesn't require much thought, but there's a strong sense of exhilaration and thrill to it. Sure I thought it was a little un-inspired and boring to begin with, but soon after combat was introduced I was having a lot of fun. There was a nostalgic thrill to making my way through traps-traps like nothing I'd seen since Tomb Raider on the original Playstation. And while you can't deviate from the path through each level, the thrill of exploration is still there, because you have to work out how to get through the level.
  I must commend Ubisoft on two things. The first is that they actually managed to make a game like this work well with a keyboard and mouse, and the second is that they also made sure the game looked good on lower settings. It's not every day you find a console to PC port that has fared so well, and while I suffered two fatal crashes, bad lip-synching, and sound effects being repeated, they can probably be put down to my PC. Though considering how bad Assassin's Creed's port was it might not be. All in all though, credit where credit is due.
  I know I'm repeating myself, but it really was a monumental change in opinion. In fact I hated everything about the game to begin with. Shall I add something else to the list? Well, all the Persians looked and sounded decidedly American. Sure it's nitpicking, but for a game that desperately wants to feel like a tale from the One Thousand and One Nights, it's somewhat important. Yet at the end of the day if it had actually felt like that I probably wouldn't have ended up liking it; at the very I certainly wouldn't have liked it as much as I did.
  I'm personally not a huge fan of that type of story-something about it just doesn't click with me-yet I would certainly have commended Ubisoft for putting it into a video game. But I'm a huge sucker for B-Grade shows and films, and there really aren't enough games B-Grade games, which is probably because there isn't much ambition story and character wise in video games. The Two Thrones had ambition, and because it had ambition and could fail, it could be B-Grade.
  But I didn't love everything about it. The combat-oh god the combat! Maybe this was the failing in their keyboard/mouse control scheme? Maybe this was why they said you needed a gamepad for optimal experience? I doubt it. Even if I had taken the combo system seriously for more than five minutes, (after which I realised repeatedly pressing E got the combat out of the way a hell of a lot quicker) except for the boss battles, almost all combat felt like an annoying obstacle. I'm in the middle of streaking across roof tops, running along walls, and then I have to stop for thirty seconds just to kill some bloody sand monsters? Oh come on! Talk about a pace killer. And being unable to change secondary attack to the right mouse button without changing wall run is sheer lunacy. That's how it should be in the first place! After such an otherwise successful control scheme you really have to wonder what the hell they were thinking.
  Still they managed to pull off the boss fights well enough. It was just a pity there weren't more of them. In fact if there were, and most confrontations with sand monsters were removed, the pacing and flow of the game would probably have been greatly improved. Here is where I would complain about the control in the boss fights, but I won't because short of offering different camera angles depending on your control scheme, there isn't really a way around it-wait, why the hell didn't they just add in a new camera angle for those that used a keyboard and a mouse?!
  But one thing Ubisoft have no excuse for is some of the save point positions. For the most part they're well placed, but some have been placed seemingly at random with absolutely no thought for how long the player has been playing or what their frustration level might be. The best example of this is late on in the game. After a lengthy chariot chase (which was a pain in the arse) you are then pushed head first into a boss battle. Surely after a frustrating section that many people probably took awhile to complete, it would have been wise to give you the option to save? It is just before a god damn boss battle after all!
  Another is the result of the linearity: due to the fact that you have to figure out where to and how to get where you need to go, the linearity doesn't make the core gameplay boring. It does however make it frustrating. You can never be sure which crevasses you can grab onto, and which protruding beams of wood you can drop down to. This is especially annoying because it will mean that you will probably miss some health upgrades because you'll never quite be sure if you can drop down to that cave to check if there's an upgrade inside it … Then again maybe I'm just a wuss. I mean with sand tanks it doesn't matter too much if you fall to your death because you can just rewind. (Did you just see how seamless that segue was?) Actually, at first I thought that this got rid of the consequences of falling, but they managed to balance the number of sand tanks you have perfectly, so that it did give you some leeway for trial and error, but it didn't mean that there were no consequences for dieing; there's only so many times you can rewind before your sand tanks run out!
  I think I'm still surprised at how much I ended up enjoying it. I really did think I would absolutely hate it, but due to the corn and nostalgia factor it will probably go down as one of my favourites. I know what you're thinking, repeating yourself twice is indulgent, but repeating yourself three times is lame. Well it's because that's what The Two Thrones is to me. It's indulgent, it's stupid, and I loved every second of it because it was. I hope you came into the review with even lower expectations than I did with the game, as otherwise I'm in trouble.
  
  NOTE:
  I should probably clarify that my use of B-Grade here is not referring to low-budget films, as Prince of Persia certainly isn't low budget. It's in reference to films that are so bad that they are good, but I couldn't really be bothered typing that out several times.

  • Posted Jan 15, 2009 9:04 pm PT
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• 31Dec 08

  Your 2008

  2008 was a year that passed many of you by, a year with very few notable events. This blog is dedicated to those of you (including myself) who were simply unable to pay attention to what was going on. I give my heartfelt thanks to all of those who were able to follow the events of the year, and tell me what they were, so that I could tell the rest of those who weren't paying attention.

  Apparently the third biggest news of 2008 was the economy's un-timely demise. Quite surprisingly lending money to people who were unable to pay it back was a bad economic practise, and even more surprisingly the US government gave them some more money to do it all over again, yet refused to give the car companies a cent, even though unlike the banks' money, it wouldn't have been theirs to do anything they wanted with.

  But surely the economic crash couldn't have simply been due to a few banks lending more money than there was? I did a little research, and I have come to some rather contradictory findings. The English economic crash was caused by welfare payments being too high and taxes to pay the wages of social workers. Yet the American economic crash was caused by greedy CEOs. And over on my side of the ocean there was no economic crash and nobody lost their jobs. However Rudd still reacted proactively, just in case something were to happen to our strong, world class economy, and gave pensioners $1,400 each to spend during the Christmas break. Money that was to be used by people who couldn't afford to pay their bills and tax, on Christmas presents. Of course the Liberals pointed out that not only was the economy dying under Labor, but the $1,400 dollars would be spent on Pokies and Alcohol instead of necessary items. This wouldn't help the economy because Pokies and Alcohol are so highly taxed that most of it would be spent on politicians' wages… Which they would then spend on luxury items that are not highly taxed, so perhaps it was in fact a wise move.

  With global warming being a good excuse to fix public transport in Victoria, some attention was paid to it. The removal of seats on 30 year old trains freed up room for extra passengers, but unfortunately those in outer suburbs still had to catch the train at 4am to go to work. Towards the end of the year, when all the public transport problems had been solved, another one emerged. Public transport had to be improved for the elderly, because not all of them were decomposing in a lonely flat. With the previous removal of seats, it remains to be seen how the elderly and the rest of the population can co-exist on public transport, but in 2009 if the doomsday Sayers are right we may have a public transport system more dangerous the New York subway, and the emos riding home from school may start cutting people other than themselves.

  The problems didn't end there. While Australia was still clearly the greatest country to live in for all people, there were a few little niggling issues. One of the biggest was aborigines. As hard as we have tried, they refuse to die. We've tried killing them, taking them from their parents, segregating them, arresting them, yet nothing seems to work. The previous attempt to remove aborigines from Australian society was through alcohol and pensions, but when it was found in an inquest in 2007 that not only had they not been eradicated, but that they were sexually abusing their children en masse and action had to be taken, because aborigine or not, children are children. The new course of action to fight poverty was to remove food (alcohol) and money (pension). Rudd announced that he would review the intervention plan, but so far he has proceeded with it, but perhaps those protestors should stop protesting against it, as Rudd seems to believe in reverse psychology.

  Recently there was a further development in the fight against—to protect our children. It was found that 1 in 4 Australian children have been sexually abused, and soon after that a study found that under 1% of Aborigine children were sexually abused. I suggest all white Australians drink as much as they can come New Years Day, (not that they need any encouragement) as it won't be long before the child abuse crusaders themselves (England) take away our alcohol.

  It was remarkable how strong Australia's economy was when one considered how bad Australia's internet was (though India seem to be doing alright for themselves with far worse internet than ours), and to further show this a new Internet filtering plan was coined. The plan would mean that child pornography and illegal and disagreeable content would be blocked for all Australian IP addresses. While what is cIassed as disagreeable content has not officially been announced, one can imagine it includes, but is not limited to: Liberal Party of Australia, National Party of Australia, Australian Greens, and Family First.

  Thankfully, after years of Australian men treating their women like aborigines, the media and government finally started doing something about it. Not only were we bombarded with anti-domestic violence information campaigns, new laws were introduced that meant that abusive men would be removed from their house (along with their children who they were probably sexually abusing as well). When we see the figures it's hard to think why even stronger measures weren't taken. 42 women and 23 men were killed by domestic violence in 2006-2007. That means 65% of all adults killed in domestic violence were women, and only 35% were men. Clearly women needed all the protection they could get, because a difference of 15%, that's 10 people, is an in-excusable example of the hell our mothers and daughters had to endure in the year 2008.

  

  Aborigines are an entirely different matter...

  Not only that, but later on in the year, a study released after Rudd announced a new plan to combat homelessness, (which didn't consist of creating new jobs, so probably won't work) found that most female homeless, are single mothers and have suffered domestic violence. Unlike their male counterpart who not only compose more of the homeless population than women, but are also there by there own doing, mostly due to drinking, and drug and pension abuse. Of course with the new ruling to combat domestic violence there'll be a lot more of them too, at least for once a deserving man will be a victim of domestic violence. Bastards. Though I must admit at least the single mothers can make a living from prostitution, right? And their children can pose nude for Bill Henson.

  Apart from banning, then un-banning a multitude of games, the government took another step to protect Australian children. Apart from arresting and charging children with sexual abuse, they also went after Bill Henson. While his nude photos of children were being pored over in court to decide whether they were pornography or art, (in my opinion they are neither: they're certainly not pornography, and if they're too contrived and sentimental for art) they were published in newspapers and on televisions stations, and even the prime minister had a look at them. While he found them disgusting, it's a bit baffling that he wasn't charged with child pornography offences, as later in the year a man was convicted of owning child pornography when the child pornography in question was a cartoon of characters from The Simpsons having sex. Though perhaps the reason Prime Minister Rudd wasn't charged is obvious: the Simpsons conviction involved no real children, while the child Rudd was ogling was real.

  

  He looks like a paedophile; he tastes like a paedophile; but brother, he ain't a paedophile!

  Not only that but a man in Queensland was charged with "using the internet to access and publish child-abuse material". Interestingly none of the television stations or newspapers (including online newspapers) were charged, and nor was the man in the video.

  Australia's final problem (apart from the film Australia) was the police. As well as the free flights and the push to out Nixon (history always repeats itself people!) they wanted funding and more recruits. This lead to an unbelievable surge in crime in Melbourne: police shootings, drunken violence in the City, teenagers with knives, and the television show Underbelly.

  After the surge in violence in the City, they still weren't getting the money they wanted. So with the Christmas break approaching, they moved on to the road toll. As the media bombarded the public with anti-drink driving and road safety ads (pro road safety, not anti. You call yourself literate? )over the Christmas break, there was not one single car crash in the news. Well, there was one just after Christmas, but in a state where many people are killed on the road it appeared that the Police's campaign was working… At getting them publicity and censoring what the road toll was, in fact the road toll received little publicity. 11 people were killed on Victoria's roads over the Christmas break. Only 6 less than last year. And apparently not that many people are killed after all.

  In an ironic ruling, long time critic of the video game industry, Jack Thompson, was banned from court. After the case he said that he wished he was "as effective at getting games banned as I was myself".

  In the liberated Iraq, the former President of America, George Bush, was brutally assaulted by a journalist with a shoe. Thankfully Bush escaped without injury, but the journalist suffered a broken wrist and ribs. He now faces a maximum sentence of seven years gaol, which let's be honest, is a rather light sentence when you consider the brutal severity of the attack.

  But the biggest news of the year was easily the death of Heath Ledger. Just like Steve Irwin and all dead Australians, the public's opinion of him changed drastically when he died. He went from a nobody who was in a few pretentious Australian films, and some big budget American kids films, to Australia's greatest actor of all time, who was cruelly taken away from the world before he could truly fulfil his huge and limitless potential. As if to make it up to him, for a few months after his death he was given more publicity and coverage than he should have been given in all the years he was acting. This is where I'd mention the Dark Knight, but it's time for a little self-censoring so I don't get killed. Insulting Heath Ledger, and commenting negatively on the measures against child abuse are one thing, but insulting a film as popular and loved as the Dark Knight is another entirely.

  

  The effects of Methamphetamine are never pretty.

  If the ironic title of Guns 'n Roses new album, Chinese Democracy, wasn't enough, the fact that it was debatable whether it even existed was too much. Unfortunately it was eventually released, and while it was a good album by most accounts, it could have been one of the greatest musical jokes of all time, but instead it was just an album with an ironic title. There's always next year, right? But I don't see an album called Bread in Zimbabwe that costs thousands of dollars, and was meant to have been released years ago…

  Speaking of China they managed to hold an Olympics that many considered to be one of the best. Grant Hackett had a chance to make a world record, but unfortunately he had a cold. Of course if he hadn't wasted so much of his energy as a child exercising and playing, he might have had a little left when it actually mattered. However there were two main reasons to watch the Olympics: Phelps and Bolt. Both broke world record after world record, and won gold after gold. Unfortunately due to smog one can only speculate as to what it would have been like to see them do it, but it was probably quite impressive.

  There was also a terror attack in Mumbai. It didn't take long for the police to find and beat one of the perpetrators. It was later announced that he was from Pakistan (where all the terrorists are, except for Bin Laden who is in Afghanistan) and of course the Western media speculated that the attack was most definitely aimed at Westerners, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with discrimination against Muslims in India, or poverty, but everything to do with Muslim extremists hatred of the wonderful West.

  Not only that but Hamas announced at the end of the year that they were ending the piece treaty between Israel and Palestine. Naturally they both went back to bombing each other, with the Palestinians killing a few Israelis, and the Israelis killing a few hundred Palestinians, but unfortunately it was Hamas's fault for using human shields. After the bombings both countries blamed each other for breaking a cease fire. A cease fire that was unrelated to the peace treaty?

  But the most tragic news was that Big Brother was cancelled. With Cory Delaney long gone and forgotten about, and Kath and Kim now an American remake, bogans only have Warnie's new commentary career to enjoy, and with Australia finally losing some test matches, they won't be watching anyway! Still, there's always A Current Affair and Today Tonight.

  Finally, Barack Obama was elected as America's new president. After a long and gruelling campaign he managed to win the election with only one policy: change. How he would bring about the change, and what it would be was a mystery, but it was clear that he'd be completely different to George Bush. And when he was elected he immediately brought change. While he didn't reveal his policies, he did announce that when he removed troops from Iraq,he would move them to Afghanistan to look for Bin Laden. The other large change he brought to the white house was his black skin. His election proved that not only could a black man be elected, but that people would accept occupying one country over another as change. While he did prove a black man could be elected, contrary to media reports this did not mean that many of them could actually vote for him, and it certainly didn't prove that anybody could become a President of the United States, as it's still quite unlikely that any Native Americans will be running for President any time soon.

  All in all it was a crazy year, and the next part of the blog will be devoted to the crazy people who helped me create a crazy blog about a crazy year.

  Thanks to all those who were part of blogging history:

  freek666 thought it went by to fast for him to notice or care anything, despite the fact that it was a leap year and lasted 366 days instead of 365 which (if you're counting) is actually slower than most years.

  aaronmullan got a lot done, yet I'm sure he agrees it's quality that counts, not quality. But I'm sure helping me with this blog will make up for all the time you wasted!

  I watched a youtube video for inspiration while trying to find a video of Grant Hackett telling children not to be lazy (bloody hypocrite!) and stumbled across this. Thank you, Hellmonkey012!

  RK-Mara described 2008 as the past, and retrospective blogs to be the in past, but at this moment this retrospective blog is currently in the future (for you) so you have created a dangerous paradox. You will have to wait and read it so that it may be in the past, but if you don't you will likely be trapped in 2008 forever.

  After so much abuse and nagging (you'd think he was a woman, huh?) mjcowley finally started Zack and Wiki. He liked it. A lot. I knew he would, I told him he would, yet he still wouldn't play it! >_< Think of all the fun you could have had this year. :(

  COD4ME joined GameSpot and more people left than after the Jeff Gerstmann incident, but unlike the Gerstmann incident they won't be coming back because you're still here. Oh, and welcome to GameSpot!

  Johnsteed7, the cake is moist, but I suggest we have some champagne instead. Just let me change into my latex body suit and put on my wig so that we can be a bit more comfortable. I hope you'll be wearing a suit and a top hat, and don't forget your walking stick. We can use it. Err, on the baddies of course!

  Darth, podcasts stuck out for me too, though I'm sure they stick out for you because you foolishly invited me onto one of yours!

  Ubuntu 8.10 was released. I'm not even going to try and make that interesting, sorry Aberinkulas.

  Metal Shadow, a story written by iloveflash that is so bad that his own mother hates it. At least it isn't a review of Twilight Princess, though. Amirite?

  Aliblabla2007's graphics card blew. But on the bright side honkyjoe's girlfriend blew him. You're damn right it'll be a better year next year, now that you know, honkyjoe!

  Honkeyjoe thinks 2009 will definitely be better than 2008, though he played his girlfriend like CoD4 and GeOW 2, and he got good grades and a new room. So next year he'll be moving out, having a threesome, and playing his girlfriend like Rosemary played Raiden.

  Travo_basic said something about corruptions, but I forgot to say: "whose corruption are you talking about?" So you'll have to put up with no corruption.

  No the cake is not a lie. Didn't you see the final cut scene?

  ***SPOILER***

  There was cake, and I killed GLaDOS for nothing. Not only did she survive, but in killing her I brutally burnt myself and I assume I died an excruciatingly painful death. At least she wrote that song for me, and yes, before I died I had enough time to cry. I knew I shouldn't have released the DEADLY NURO-TOXIN, and I wish I hadn't broken your HEART, because I too LOVED YOU, and I know you wish you had let me take your DEADLY NURO-TOXIN and MARRIED IT instead of INCINERATING IT.

  Oh, and I hope you had a happy Jesus birthday, and a happy end of ****y year day, KingOfOldSkool—wait—you were trying to get me to censor bypass weren't you? Ha, well I didn't fall for it!

  To everyone else who made helpful suggestions and actually helped me write the blog (or didn't make helpful suggestions, but had what they did say melded into the post) I give you an ironic thanks. Ironic because I'm not sincere, and ironic because those that made less helpful suggestions got personally mentioned. Thanks a lot for the help, but I hope you've learned your lesson and will never help anyone ever again.

  Well I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it and insulting you. Even if you don't enjoy reading it, I'm sure you'll enjoy insulting me!

  

  Happy New Year!

  • Posted Dec 31, 2008 2:09 am PT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 28Dec 08

  2008 retrospective

  Remember those epic 2007 blogs? Well this was my 2008:

  "Olympics, executions, economic highs, economic lows, censorship."

  Yeah, no material on this side of the ocean this year, so how about you tell me what stuck out in your mind for 2008, and I'll try and construct a blog about it?

  Scraping the bottle of the barrel; I know, but it could be interesting, and if you help me out---apart from an awesome blog---you will get cake.

  P.S.

  If anyone knows how to---or someone who does---make youtube video clips into avatars please PM me or you may be wishing Jesus Happy Birthday for a long time...

  • Posted Dec 28, 2008 4:44 am PT
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