• 6Jan 09

  My Top Gaming Moment Of 2008

  A new year, a new beer, a new blog. I thought id share with everyone my top gaming moment of the year past. It took a lot of hmming and haaing mulling carefully over the score of games ive been through... but in the end there was only one clear cut "winner"
  
  Too Human
  
  Moment: The last boss fight/losing my sanity
  
  Frozen giraffe testicle on a stick I HATE this game!!! This game sucks. If you ever play it ill know. Ill know. And ill come over to your house and pee all over your things and make a mess! Even talking about this game brings back flashback insanity, my lips sneer at the mention of its name and my bowels release furiously into my undergarments.
  
  Fast forward 10 hours of the worst under garment soiling game experience of my life and we are at the final boss, some she witch half rotting jezebel corpse with boobs bigger than my character. For brevitys sake we'll call her boobzilla. Now in this game its important to know that after taking so much damage your items break. Thats right and against a boss, particularily the evil boobzilla you are gonna get smacked around a bit. A lot. And so your armor breaks making you take a ton of damage, your weapons break so you cant do barely any damage and you're stuck one on one naked Vs boobzilla and her knockers of fury. I always knew it would end this way.
  
  Her main attacks are shooting some beams at you or something, summoning enemys to fight you, and teleporting around the room like a horny spider monkey making it almost impossible to hit her in melee combat. So you have to shoot her. So it goes like this: teleport, teleport, teleport, teleport, teleport, beam attack, teleport, summon, repeat with perhaps more teleporting and boob waving thrown in for fun.
  
  Now when you die in this game.... you are "treated" to a death scene of a valkyrie angel thing coming down and picking you up in her arms and floating slowly away into the heavens... and then you respawn in the same room... with her life bar down the same. Now this dosen't sound so bad eh?
  
  Well after a while I had only my wussy pistol to use against her and it would take off a smidgen of her gigantic life bar.... and I mean a smidgen after like a dozen shots, the enemys she summons are infinite and can kill me in just three hits unless her beam attack hits me first them in dead in just one!
  
  I marvel at the fun and design brilliance of this masterpiece as im treated to the glorious awesome death valkyrie scene again...and again.. and again.. and... *twitch* I think im losing my mind its been over an hour and a half (real life time!!) of me fighting her and she still has 25% of her health left. What do her DDD cup gazookas absorb all the pistol damage?!? *death* AND **** YOU VALKYRIE YOU SLOW ASS WTF.
  
  Its getting bad.... ive hit two hours now on the same boss fight dying every 6 seconds or so... ive seen this valkyrie over three hundred agonizing times.. the real world is starting to fade away, its just me and boobs mcgee, and I refuse to lose to this polygonal silicone (double fake?!) boob death machine of a boss.
  
  Two and a half hours. Almost there. *teleport* *beam* *death* ASJDgkj1k;1nk1!!! Im starting to see everything in the color purple, I can actually taste hatred at this point! It tastes like cigarette butts and sweat from an elephants ass combined with maple syrup and banana juice. Its such a unique yet delightfull flavor.
  
  Almost three hours.... five hundred valkyrie death scenes at least... same boss... im getting full of hatred juice.. the world is spinning! I think im hallucinating, now theres a tiny leprechaun perched on my shoulder telling me to set things on fire. Yes fire. Pretty. What? Set my crotch on fire?!? It was right then I knew this was no ordinary leprechaun..... he was crazy! Besides, my crotch already burns enough from the herpes.
  
  *boss dies* YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!! OMFG WE DID IT YOU GAVE ME THE LUCK OF THE IRISH LITTLE MAN. My relatives are looking at me in a mixture of awe and fear. Apparently I had vistors and didnt even realize. That didn't stop me though. With hurtling speed, and a feral snarl I ejected the disc from the cursed 360 and gave it the justive it deserved. I mercilessy stuffed it down my sweaty crotch to first suffocate the beast, and then sent it hurting across the room to perhaps be found several hundred years later by archealogists with fours arms and two ass's.
  • Posted Jan 6, 2009 11:44 am PT
  • Category: Cars
  • 14 Comments
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• 31Dec 08

  I Not As Think As U Drunk I Am *Barp*

  Its 11:00 am. Coffee has been poured. Wait.... ill take that IRISH BABY WOOO!! Thats right, the one night of the year other people try to drink as much as I do every other night and fail miserably. Let those snotty little pant pooper kids have their Santa Claus, ill take nekked secretary dancing on the table for $500 Alex!
  
  Well ok thats really me nekked pretending to be a sexy secretary but still its good times. Secretarys are hawt. .....what were we talking about again? *drinks* Ahh yeah- drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drunk!
  
  So my plans involve complete chaos and alcohol, how about you? Got anything special planned? Me I plan to be so hammered that by the time a decent looking girl gets drunk enough to want to take me home ill pass out half way through the act and blame it on her in the morning that she wasnt good looking enough.
  
  Hahahahahaha
  
  Happy New Year!
  • Posted Dec 31, 2008 9:51 am PT
  • Category: Nature
  • 12 Comments
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• 24Dec 08

  Seasons Greetings Earth Folk!

  Hallo strange flesh creatures, GME is gone. All gone. I haf telepoted him to our probing vessel where he shall be violated gruesomely by machinery. Strangley, this creature did not fight it like the others. He shouted strange earth sayings like "Whoo hoo it is the season of giving afterall!"
  
  Yes. The season of giving probings. You are next.
  
  My name? To pronounce my name kerrektly you would haf to inszert a dead chicken into your waste disposal area and roll your tounge faster than the speed of light. But you may call me Probathon 6000.
  
  I haf com from teh nether-regions of the outer space realms to observe your species!
  
  You are a strange race, hair everywheres. Disgusting! In exchange for going quietly and (happily..?) GME wished me to give you all a seasons greetings in his earth dialect.
  
  Smerry mistmas!
  
  no....
  
  Hairy chestmas?
  
  Scary wristmas?
  
  Cherry flintness?
  
  Spary snotmoo?
  
  ..........
  
  This language is dumb. I should terminate your species based on dumbness. On a scale of one to dumb your race is stupid dumb. Stupid and then dumb.
  
  *sighs*
  
  Fairy Fitness! ....
  
  Garry bloopmaz?
  
  Smerry hoopness?
  
  I give up. I feel stupid dumb for even talking to you. Stop laughing at my inability to correlate your idiotic language! You there! In the blue shirt! I see you! Laughing. I shall evaporate your testicles with my ray gun for your insubordination. No more disgusting sacks of procreation for you. All gone. Now noone loves you, and you will die old and alone. All alone.
  
  Your race shall be replaced by the cows. Charming creatures that make funny noises when I slap their undersides. Heh.
  
  Enjoy your holidays while you can earthfolk
  
  And now I must return to the ship and oversee the probing. Much probing.
  • Posted Dec 24, 2008 9:40 am PT
  • Category: Technology
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