• 4Apr 13

  Chinese Knock-Off Gaming: Pikachu Y2K

  Gaming has evolved quite a bit over the years, hasn't it? Big franchises have popped up like fleas on a mangy junkyard mutt and, like fleas, there are some black sheep (or black fleas, whatever I dunno) in the family that are considered completely foreign from their family. Case in point: Chinese knock-off games.

  Chinese knock-offs span every category of product, so it's probably not going to shock you that games are not exempt from its scope. However, what's really shocking is what kind of bizarre, crappy, and sometimes even cool games you can find on the Chinese knock-off market. The first in this series of spotlights is a fun little platformer called Pikachu Y2K:

  

  Pikachu Y2K is, in all essence, a classic Mario-styIe platformer starring the titular electric pocket monster mouse thing. Going by the aforementioned description, you'd think that this all would be a fun, neat little game that, in essence, would give you a generic experience. HA, joke's on you: this game is nuttier than squirrel feces.

  First off, Pikachu Y2K doesn't immediately drop you into the action. To start off with, you're given a short cutscene in which a mad scientist and his pet cat phone Pikachu at his home because they want a magic purse back. Oh, by the way: did I mention that the text says that Pikachu's real name is Felix?

  

  So, er, I guess Pikachu will now be referred to as "Felix?"

  After promptly hanging up and using the force to reel in his magical purse, Felixchu sets out on an adventure to...erm...not try to let the mad scientist guy get the bag from him? Honestly, he could have just stayed home and called the cops on him, leading to an arrest and avoiding all the ensuing nonsense but hey, I'm talking about a Chinese knock-off 8-bit platformer so why should I be caring so much?

  Anywho, Pikachu Y2K's gameplay is pretty standard platforming fare, ridiculous premise aside. Sadly, it's a little sub-par for a side-scrolling platformer since its rules aren't very in line with Mario, as you can die from jumping on enemies. With stomping on their heads out of the equation, how can Felix-the-Pikachu deter people from snatching his purse?

  The purse, of course!

  Yes, instead of jumping on enemies, PikaFelix disposes of his foes via a Tom and Jerry-styIe boxing glove that pops out from his bag of wonders.

  

  The animation doesn't include the bag, though...

   Given all this, the game seems pretty disappointing, right? Well, what makes Pikachu Y2K a little bit cooler is the ability to collect power-ups that transform the bag into various weapons such as singing, driving a car, riding an air balloon, and even driving a freaking tank.

  

  Also, it shoots bombs with faces.

  Take a moment to soak all this in: there's Felixchu in that image up there driving a tank in a happy pixelated 8-bit world. Yes, there exists a game where you can actually play as Pikachu driving a tank. Why hasn't anyone thought of this before? Seriously, the war game market is virtually untapped for the entire Pokemon franchise and here you have the Chinese knock-off market taking the initiative while Nintendo sits on their duffs, scratches their heads, and puts out a Gamecube game consisting entirely of watching fake television shows with Pikachu all day. Y'know, because we really need something like THAT on the market, while the idea of Tankemon goes completely over their heads. In a way, this instantly makes Pikachu Y2K better than a good deal of the franchise's official games from recent years.

  Aside from the brilliant idea of putting Pikachu in a freaking tank, the rest of the game, like I said before, is pretty generic. The regular enemies aren't even other Pokemon, just some stupid little bird sprites and regular fishes...though there are a few walking trees here and there for no real reason. Ents aside, there isn't really that much to talk about in terms of enemy design and, on that note, there isn't much to say about the level layout. Really, the only thing on showcase here is how bizarre the overall premise of the game is and, beyond that, it's a sub-par platformer.

  One last thing, though: the Game Over screen kind of bugs me:

  

  ...What's in that garbage can to the left? Seriously, can anyone give me an idea? I don't have one.

  VERDICT:

  Graphics: 8 - Pretty decent representation of Pikachu. Besides, the entire thing's running on an NES, so I'm not that picky.

  Sound: 6 - There's a fun little tune in the first level, then it repeats in the second, the third, fourth....yeah.

  Gameplay: 6 - It's functional, but there's no pizzazz beyond the power-ups.

  Story: 10 - PIKACHU IN A FREAKING MAGIC PURSE TANK!

  Overall: 7 - It's worth checking out for about an hour, but not farther beyond that.

  So that's all for Pikachu Y2K! Be sure to stay tuned for more showcased Chinese knock-off games!

  (also, please someone tell me what's in that garbage can)

  • Posted Apr 4, 2013 1:56 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg
• 21Dec 12

  Kindergarten Killer - A Review

  NOTE: TO CALL THE SHOOTING A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT, AND I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF IT. ONE-THIRD OF THIS IS TO MAKE FUN OF THE NRA'S STATEMENT TODAY, ANOTHER THIRD IS TO EMPHASIZE HOW DUMB THE GAME ITSELF IS AND THE LAST THIRD IS TO KIND OF SERIOUSLY REVIEW THE GAME. IF YOU'RE OFFENDED, PLEASE READ THIS NOTE AGAIN UNTIL YOU ARE NOT.

  Lately, there has been a great deal of controversy surrounding the industry of gunsmoke-promoting murder-death that is video games, a point brought out by the friendly people at the NRA. However, in citing specific games that caused the shooter to murder innocent children and shoot fireballs at people, one was listed that I (and I assume many others) have never heard of before: Kindergarten Killer.

  

  Kindergarten Killer is a flash game made by ZSOA, in which the player takes the role of a janitor who is given the task of cleaning up a kindergarten filled to the brim with armed tykes. The following is a basic description provided by the developer:

  Kindergarten Killer is a fighting game in which you play as a janitor to clear as many stages as you can. At first you can choose your levels with different health numbers. Click on the start button you will see many kids appearing from different places and the kids will come out more and more as you go further into their base. Aim with the mouse and shoot with the left mouse button. Shoot the kids quickly before they shoot you. Your health goes down if you get shot. You will get health bonuses after each level. With the stages you clear, you will meet the big boss, and shoot him at his head to go to the next stage. And you will meet not only kids but also policeman as your enemy. Look out for health boxes like a key with a plus sign on it, if you shoot them they will give you +20 plus. - ZSOA

  As appealing as shooter games are nowadays, can something like Kindergarten Killer stand on its own as a successful IP in a sea of similar shooters like Call of Duty and Super Mario Sunshine? Most would likely agree that such an original concept would draw in both storied veterans of the genre as well as fresh faces but, as Kindergarten Killer proves, an original concept can be squandered by poor gameplay.

  The story of Kindergarten Killer puts the player in the shoes of a white-haired (and seemingly senile) janitor who, bored with the constant trifles of cleaning up vomit and smelling the acrid stench of poorly-cooked meatloaf, decides to take matters into his own hands and cleanse a surprisingly well-armed school of its myriad gun-toting toddlers. Considering all the characters involved, I would have expected the story to further develop from its introduction but, as with many modern shooters, the story falls to the wayside almost immediately in order to single-mindedly focus on the action, which is quite a shame considering how many questions the initial setting leaves for players: Who is this guy really? Why do the kids all have guns? Why do some of them have aviator sunglasses and never need to reload? Sadly, none of the aforementioned inquiries are given any time as the game delves straight into its worst aspect: gameplay.

  Considering the game in question is a simple flash affair, the gameplay and graphics are nothing special to speak of. In fact, the two aforementioned aspects are so minuscule and lackluster that nothing interesting can truly be said about it. Essentially, Kindergarten Killer takes the point-and-click, on-rails approach to shooters, an archaic concept that, beyond Killer7, has never been utilized in a positive way since the early 90s. Every single area in the game is the same boorish, plain hallway with maybe a staircase placed in the background to spice things up (albeit in the most minimal way possible) and the way in which you move around the map is nonsensical, sometimes going into a building and then exiting it after one floor...only to exit it, go in again, and go to the next floor. Clearly, the developer wanted to convey that the main character had Alzheimer's but, due to the lack of substantial narrative, this conclusion only came about by way of speculation. In fact, the children themselves seemed to have interesting backstories but the game never really considers telling the player.

  The children, though not varied immensely in design, do have some interesting habits of pointing guns at the player while wearing sunglasses and, somehow, are only able to die in a single way no matter where they are hit (the only variant being what they look like relating to how they die). Every single one of the children are quick shooters, giving the player no time to breathe which, by the way, adds greatly to the overall difficulty of the experience. However, I would have liked to know how this was possible? There was a prime opportunity for some exposition (perhaps between levels?) but no such effort was made, giving the player only more room to guess as to what was really going on. Lastly, as said before, the difficulty of the game is something that detracts quite a bit from the overall quality.

  Though probably designed as a challenge game, Kindergarten Killer is very difficult to play when you only use a laptop mouse and can't really figure out the controls that well because of it. I will admit that I started out on the Easy difficulty, but even then the game was incredibly difficult to play, even during the first level. Indeed, the difficulty is something that will vary the mileage you will have with this particular title.

  Overall, Kindergarten Killer, though being a prime example of how big-budget game studios are funding poorly-designed flash game development, is...well actually, it really is an unenjoyable game. I would not recommend it to anyone looking for a good time and, instead, would point to more interesting examples such as Kitten Cannon.

  SCORE BREAKDOWN

  Graphics: F - Nothing but doodles everywhere.

  Sound: F - No interesting music to speak of and the sound effects are all the same.

  Gameplay: D - Though the controls are easy to figure out, the experience is too repetitive to warrant a decent grade.

  Fun: D - Its approach as a concept game adds some intrigue, but not past one try.

  Overall: D-

  Kindergarten Killer is a game that, despite wanting to show how evil a game can be, is nothing more than a gallery shooter with a fingerpaint coat.

  • Posted Dec 21, 2012 3:24 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg
• 1Dec 12

  Hey everyone, check out what I have to say about sexism!

  Boy oh boy, it's been a long time hasn't it? I can't really remember the last time I fired up my writingtyping fingers but I'm glad I did, for I will educate the Gamespot masses about how to properly think about sexism in video game play thingys. However, before anything else, I would like to address that this blog is not something to be taken seriously, but I would really like it if you did because I mean every single last word of the following blog post.

  SEXISM: AN INTRODUCTION

  Sexism is something that has been around since the dawn of bra burning, when the first woman who was tired of sitting in the back of the bus climbed atop the blue line to Montgomery Ave. and declared all notions of gender differences moot; culminating in an event that scientists usually call "that crazy woman atop the bus waving around something on fire and making everyone really nervous." Later on, in the days of Jimmy Carter, sexism would evolve into looking back at Humphrey Bogart films and sneering at his suave, attractive demeanor, a practice that can still be observed to this day whenever Casablanca comes on public television.

  Today, sexism is known as not really liking the a person who doesn't have the same dangly (or non-dangly...or kinda dangly?) parts as you, making it akin to racism but with dangly/non-dangly/halfway-dangly things (which will be grouped together as "doongleys" for the sake of convenience).

  Doongley Hate and Video Games

  Doongleys in video games have been something that has been discussed numerous times over the history of some YouTube videos and article comments, as this graph clearly shows:

  

  The inclusion of lines is clearly indicative of their tendency to zigzag, showing how attitudes toward doongleys have changed over time; the top and bottom lines being an exercise in individual interpretation as to who is on top and who is on the bottom. Come to think of it, I think I kind of see strange images from the two lines, but that is clearly none of my concern as the most accurate interpretation of the graph's content comes from the fact that I'm dragging this on too long.

  Video games and lady peoples are one of the hottest issues in sexism today (if you're into that kind of thing) with prime examples being Bayonetta, Master Chief and Q-Bert. Bayonetta, in terms of how she stands in the grand scheme of gender equality, is somehow seen as a detriment to the image of women because she never cuts her hair (making her get really bad gigantic dragon tangles that eat godzilla villians) when, in reality, she is clearly a misunderstood Jeanne d'Arc for her time, showing that she can be almost completely naked all the time and bouncing around with her sweet, round...

  oh

  erm, where was I? Oh, right: Master Chief. Master Chief is seen as an additional detriment to the state of women in video games because he sets the standard for men to completely cover themselves up and still somehow make a lot of money off teenage boys, unlike Samus who needs to take her turtle shell suit off every once in a Team Ninja to sell some copies. Quite frankly, I don't see how this is sexist due to the fact that it's more homophobic than anything, what with all the homosexual epithets hurled like candy in a parade when you go online. If there's any Sexism to be had in Halo 4: Never Showing Your Faceathon, it's that Cortana isn't completely stark naked with glowy things on her chest to make her look like Madonna covered in neon paint. On that note, I am forced to talk about my last subject: Q-Bert.

  Q-Bert is the most disgusting example of sexism in the entire gaming universe (in fact, maybe in everything ever). Q-Bert, as everyone knows him, is a ball with legs who clearly resembles the male end of the doongley spectrum, hopping around like a territorial, testosterone-filled jerk who has to obsessively make sure that everything is the same color because he also happens to be a racist.

  

  (not to mention the swearing)

  How, in today's world, can something like Q-Bert be seen as acceptable, even making its way into beloved Disney movies like Wreck-it-Ralph? I, for one, was appalled at his inclusion in the film, showing that the industry simply wants a paycheck and doesn't care that they're pushing a racist, misogynistic, profanity-spewing sphere with legs onto newer generations of child persons. Indeed, the future looks bleak.

  Conclusion

  Sexism in the video game industry is something that will continue to persist whether you like it or not, given that there will always be somebody who will cry injustice on even the smallest of things. I mean sure, there's Dead or Alive with all the women having gigantic, heaving, oh...oh yea-erm what I mean yeah objectifying women is bad but hey, what can be done about it? I guess there would have to be an influx of women in the industry, but even that doesn't matter when most of the consumer base with the most money are those guys who keep yelling means things at me every time I go online to play one round of a game because, you know, I had a long day and need to relax, I don't need the same crap at the office happening to me when I get home, I mean come on.

  Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, doongleys or something. Keep an eye on yours and don't hate other people for theirs.

  Have a nice day or else I will be sad.

  • Posted Dec 1, 2012 11:42 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg

See Previous Blog Posts »