• 3Oct 12

  I have a gigantic headache.

  That's a headache which is gigantic, not a gigantic head which is aching. Well, I do happen to have a gigantic head...

  ...and it is aching...

  

  I have a gigantic, gigantic head ache.

  ...

  No, I don't know why this is a blog post either.

  • Posted Oct 3, 2012 5:07 pm GMT
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• 9Apr 12

  Requiem for a Plat...

  I have a minor beef with my new-found love: Street Fighter X Tekken. One of the trophies, a bronze one no less, requires the player to activate their "Assist Gems" x number of times. For those of you not obsessed with Capcom-published 2D fighters, the game has two types of customisable gems. "Boost Gems" which buff your damage or meter-building or whatever, and "Assist Gems" which do things like automatically block for you at the cost of meter or make your inputs easier at the expense of damage. There's only one problem with this...

  I DO NOT WANT OR NEED ASSIST GEMS!!!

  It's the equivalent of having to play 100 UMVC3 matches on simple mode. WHY THE #@$% WOULD I DO THAT!?! I KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE #@$%ING GAME!!! I understand the recent attempts that have been made to make fighting games more accessible to a wider market, and I appreciate "Assist Gems", because I think they're the most natural way to allow new or unskilled players to experience the game at it's fullest. But to MAKE ME do it? For a BRONZE TROPHY!?!

  Bull$#@%.

  After only a few day of playing SFXT, my trophy list was starting to fill out. With several trophies that are entirely authentic to the way in which the game is meant to be played, I dared to think that this game may yet hold the key to my first Platinum. Alas, I simply REFUSE to use assist gems. I'm glad they exist, and if they help ever one small child find the love of the genre that has burned within my heart now for over a decade, fighting games will be better for their existence. But trophies are designed for those who want to go the extra mile, above and beyond the standard gaming experience; with the Plat being the ultimate award for excellence.

  Making experienced fighting game players use a feature designed exclusively to help newcomers in order to WIN such an award is like telling Lance Armstrong that he can only win the Tour De France if he rides a bike with training wheels.

  • Posted Apr 9, 2012 5:08 am GMT
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• 4Dec 11

  Important Life Lessons in Poltergeist

  

  I just finished watching Poltergeist for the first time in years and for the first time in widescreen while wearing a pair of 7.1 surround sound headphones. In addition to being absolutely terrifying, I also found the film to be quite (possibly unintentionally) insightful. So I got the bug (or "maggot", as the case may be) to dust off the old keyboard and write a short list of important life lessons one can gleam from a viewing of Speilberg's 1982 Horror (lassic.

  This list contains spoilers (kinda), but if you haven't seen Poltergeist by now, you deserve what you get. Go watch it right now, then come back and read this, and then I'll begin to think about forgiving you.

  • If the Star Spangled Banner is playing during the credit sequence, the movie will either be very good or very bad.
    
    
  • Product integration doesn't always ruin films.
    
    
  • If you smoke pot, ghosts will come to steal your children.
    
    
  • If a bird dies in the first five minutes, it is always EPIC FORESHADOWING!!!
    
  • Chewbacca's face protects small children from killer clowns.
    
    
  • Don't use your daughter as a curling rock.
    
    
  • Parapsychologists are useless.
    
    
  • If you cut yourself shaving, don't pick at it.
    
    
  • The black guy isn't always the first one to die.
    
    
  • Tennis balls and rope > The undead.
    
    
  • When being sucked into a portal to the next plane of existence, pants are optional.
    
    
  • Always move the bodies!
    
  • Ghosts are d*cks.
    
    
  • Neighbours are d*cks.
    
    
  • Property developers are d*cks.
    
    
  • Midgets: Awesome psychics, awful cleaners.
    
    
  • Unless your name is Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis or Rick Moranis, PINK GOO WILL F@#% YOU UP!
    
  • If you plan on starring in the remake, get a life insurance policy yesterday.
    
    
  • It is possible to make a movie scary without dismembering every character in sight or using a needle and thread on someone's anus.
    
    
  • Paranormal Activity sucks.
  • Posted Dec 4, 2011 6:18 am GMT
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