This journal is epically gnarly. So gnarly, even the most gnarliest gnarl on the planet is going, "Man, now that IS gnarly!"

Note: Some blog entries may lack any basis of reality.

• 19Jul 09

  If genies existed and I had 3 wishes

  This blog entry was inspired by a topic someone posted entitled, If Genies Were Real What Would Your Three Wishes Be? Oh man, there are so many different things I'd want to try out. For example, for one set of wishes, I'd wish for:

  • A time machine capable of going to July 3rd, 1875 and then returning back to my own time
  • A map to Alexander Graham Bells workshop
  • One of those electronic fart machines

  With that equipment I could change the first words ever said across a telephone. Well, they wouldn't exactly be words... but yeah. Could you imagine reading in school, "The first telephone was invented in 1875 by Alexander Graham Bell, and the first sound transmitted across the phone line was a fart."

  Another set of wishes:

  • A time machine that could go back in time to July 20, 1969 and put me the moon with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and it also has the ability to get me back to my own time and place
  • A spacesuit with a radio that works on the astronauts frequencies and a cloaking device so no one can see me
  • One of those electronic fart machines

  With that equipment, I would wait until Neil Armstrong started saying "That's one small step for man..." and that's when I'd press the button and interrupt. That way when we hear that same recorded quote nowadays (which we hear a lot 'cause it is epic) it would be a little funnier. It'd be, "That's one small step for man... *brrrrrr* one giant leap for mankind." Then you'd hear Buzz pipe in and go, "Neil, WTF was that?" Then you'd hear Michael Collins radio down to them from lunar orbit, "Is everything ok down there guys?"

  Here's another set of wishes:

  • Several billion dollars
  • My own tv channel that has great popularity
  • A Big Bacon Classic from Wendy's

  I just said the Big Bacon Classic from Wendy's 'cause I only need the first 2 wishes for this one, and Wendy's got rid of that burger from their menu. For this one, I would make my own show where basically I run around and do stupid things. One of my most favorite segment would be where I go to a bank (videotaping the whole thing) and withdrawal a million dollars in cash in big bills. Then go to Walmart and purchase a 5 dollar toilet plunger. Then head to my home where I proceed to take the suitcase of cash and flush it down a toilet while we film it. Then I'd broadcast that on my television channel. I would also make sure that it was an international channel. During the time we roll the credits for that episode of my show I would make sure to list all the charities that we didn't donate to.

  • Posted Jul 19, 2009 10:15 pm GMT
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• 16Jul 09

  Terraforming the moon

  I could terraform the moon easily. All I would need is a bucket of water, a few bags of fertilizer and some apple seeds. I'd even have a nice neighborhood complete with a park built in less than 3 years. Of course, land values in the area would start out low since it would need time to gain popularity, so it would mostly be low-income households and/or homeless ppl moving in. Here is how the park would look at about the 2-3 year mark:

  

  • Posted Jul 16, 2009 7:51 am GMT
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• 14Jul 09

  New dinner product line for honest Americans

  Everyone in the U.S. is always claiming they are trying to lose weight. There are a variety of gyms they can join and plenty of fresh healthy foods available for them to buy. There are also some prepackaged meals that are relatively healthy, such as:

  

  But when it comes down to it, I don't think people really want to eat healthy. They want to be healthy and fit, but they don't want to eat healthy. They really want to eat pizza, tacos, potato chips, doritos, chocolate chip cookies, pie, several bowls of ice cream with hot fudge and whip cream, and then wash it all down with a 2-liter of pop.

  So now there is a new product line out there for all the people that can just be honest. The sooner people quit lying to themselves, the sooner they can buy:

  

  mmmmmmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMM! Tasty!!!

  • Posted Jul 14, 2009 10:13 pm GMT
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