"de gustibus non est disputandum" (In matters of taste there is no dispute)
{I make no claims to originality in any of my blogs!}

• 11Oct 08

  I Have Returned........Kinda!

  (Did anybody miss me?..........I didn't think so!)

  A Spot of British Humor

  
  As reported in the newpaper...
  
  Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
  (The Daily Telegraph)
  
  Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
  (The Manchester Evening News)
  
  Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
  (The Guardian)
  
  A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
  (The Times)
  
  At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
  (Aberdeen Evening Express)
  
  Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
  (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
  A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...
  
  "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
  
  "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
  
  "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
  
  "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
  
  "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
  
  "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
  
  During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
  
  "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
  
  "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
  
  "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
  
  "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
  
  "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
  
  "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
  
  "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

  • Posted Oct 11, 2008 11:45 am PT
  • Category: Humor
  • 4 Comments
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• 24Sep 08

  For the Geeks and Hamlet via FB

  For the Geeks
  
  * There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
  * If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
  * I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
  * My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
  * Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
  * In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
  * Hand over the calculator, friends don't let friends derive drunk
  * I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
  * Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
  * The box said 'Requires Windows 95 or better'. So I installed LINUX
  * A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
  * Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
  * A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
  * The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  * UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  * Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  * C://dos
  C://dos.run
  run.dos.run
  * You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  * JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
  * 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  * Alcohol & calculus don't mix. Never drink & derive
  * How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  * There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
  * Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
  * It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
  * Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
  * The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
  * Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
  * The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
  * If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won't mar the furniture
  * COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  * Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
  * LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
  * The beginning of the programmer's wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
  * Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
  * Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
  * boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
  * We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
  * Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
  * If it weren't for C, we'd all be programming in BASI and OBO
  * Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
  * Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
  * Unrecognized input, get out of the ****br /> * Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
  * WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER
  * Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  * Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
  * Best file compression around: "rm *.*" = 100% compression
  * Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is "c:> hack into fbi"
  * BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
  * I survived an NT installation
  * The name is Baud……James Baud
  * My new car runs at 56Kbps
  * Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  * File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  * Cannot read data, leech the next boy's paper? (Y/N)
  * CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  * Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  * Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
  * Windows: Just another pane in the glass
  * Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
  * RAM disk is not an installation procedure
  * Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
  * The truth is out there…anybody got the URL?
  * Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
  * E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage
  * Help! I'm modeming… and I can't hang up!!!
  * All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  * Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
  * Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the 'OK' button to continue
  * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
  * Press every key to continue
  * Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where's that 'any key'..
  * Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
  * Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
  * To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so
  * (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
  * Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
  * (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
  * Computers can never replace human stupidity
  * A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
  * (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
  * Bugs come in through open Windows
  * Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
  * Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are
  * Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
  * Bell Labs Unix — Reach out and grep someone.
  * To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
  * Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
  * FUBAR - where Geeks go for a drink
  * I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore
  * Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
  * Black holes are where God divided by zero
  * Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  * Thank god, my baby just compiled
  * Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
  * Windows 98 supports real multitasking - it can boot and crash simultaneously
  * Zap! And there was the blue screen !
  * Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost :-)
  * MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
  * A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them
  * PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
  * 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
  * 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
  * Error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
  * If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I'd antialias my graphics!
  * A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
  * "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
  * Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
  * Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
  * Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
  * Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
  * Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
  * Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
  * Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
  * All computers run at the same speed… with the power off
  * You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
  * Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
  * Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
  * Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
  * Shut up, or i'll flush you out
  * Cron : Enter cron command Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
  * We are experiencing system trouble — do not adjust your terminal
  * You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
  * I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
  * Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
  * Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
  * If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question
  * Having soundcards is nice… having embedded sound in web pages is not
  * My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
  * You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
  * Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
  * I'm sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998 )
  * Ah, young webmaster… java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
  * What color do you want that database?
  * C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
  * As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
  * earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can
  * A typical yahoo chat room: "A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out.."
  * When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop
  * Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
  * Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
  * NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
  * Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
  * NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
  * ****An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
  * How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
  * Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls - my PC speaker crashed NT
  * root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is 'a_49qwXk'
  * New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
  * Quake and uptime do not like each other
  * Unix…best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
  * As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria — Final Fantasy VIII
  * Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
  * Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
  * Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
  * How are we supposed to hack your system if it's always down!
  * God is real, unless declared integer
  * I'm tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
  * Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
  * It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
  * Please help - firewall burnt down - lost packet - reward $$$
  * If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
  * Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
  * Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
  * Norton: Incoming virus - (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
  * I had a dream… and there were 1's and 0's everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
  * You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
  * C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
  
  ------------------------------------
  
  Hamlet via Facebook

  

  Full image here: http://images1.filecloud.com/758750/hamlet.png

  
  
  Full image here: http://images1.filecloud.com/758752/Zombie_Cat.jpg

  • Posted Sep 24, 2008 3:52 pm PT
  • Category: Humor
  • 14 Comments
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• 22Sep 08

  Chili Contest and Math Humour

  Chili Contest
  
  For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
  
  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
  from Springfield, IL.
  
  Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
  cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
  happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
  the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
  two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and,
  besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
  
  Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
  
  CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
  
  Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
  
  Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
  
  Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
  remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
  out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
  
  
  CHILI # 2 - RUTHIE'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
  
  Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
  
  Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
  
  Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
  supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
  give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
  the look on my face.
  
  CHILI # 3 - RUSS'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
  
  Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
  
  Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
  
  Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
  like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
  Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
  backbone is in the front part of my chest.I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the
  beer.
  
  
  CHILI # 4 - Les's BLACK MAGIC...
  
  Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
  
  Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
  other mild foods, not much of a chili.
  
  Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
  to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
  was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
  to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
  
  CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
  
  Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
  considerable kick. Very impressive.
  
  Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
  the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
  
  Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
  no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
  paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
  had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
  beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
  Screw those rednecks.
  
  CHILLI # 6 - Jenny's VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
  
  Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices
  and peppers.
  
  Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
  Superb.
  
  Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
  sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
  through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
  Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
  
  
  CHILI # 7 -MARY LOU'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI..
  
  Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
  
  Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
  peppers at the last moment.
  
  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in
  a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
  
  Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
  wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
  like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
  slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
  shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
  decided to stop breathin g it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
  oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
  in my stomach.
  
  
  CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
  
  Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold
  but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  
  Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
  hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
  out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure
  if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
  really hot chili ?
  
  Judge # 3 - No Report
  
  -----------------------------
  
  Math Humour
  
  Top 10 Excuses for Not Turning in Math Homework
  
  10. It's Isaac Newton's birthday.
  9. I couldn't decide whether i is the square root of -1 or i are the square root of -1.
  8. I accidently divided by 0 and my paper burst into flames.
  7. It's stuck inside a Klein bottle.
  6. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.
  5. I had too much pi and got sick.
  4. Someone already published it, so I didn't bother to write it up.
  3. A four-dimensional dog ate it.
  2. I have a solar calculator and it was cloudy.
  1. There wasn't enough room to write it in the margin.
  
  Top Ten Things That Math and Sex Have in Common
  
  10. Explicit discussions of either topic is a faux pas at most cocktail parties.
  9. Historically, men have been in control, but there are now efforts to get women more involved.
  8. There are many joint results.
  7. Both are prominent on college campuses, and are usually practiced indoors.
  6. Most people wish they knew more about both subjects.
  5. Both involve long and hard problems, and can produce interesting topology and geometry.
  4. Both merit undivided attention, but mathematicians are prone to think about one while doing the other.
  3. Saint Augustine was hostile to both, and Alan Turing took an unusual approach to both.
  2. Both typically begin with a lot of hard work and end with a great but brief reward.
  1. Professionals are generally viewed with suspicion, and most do not earn high pay.
  
  Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Math
  
  CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the in-between steps.
  
  TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong ****
  
  OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
  
  RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test, here it is again.
  
  WITHOUT LOSS OF GENERALITY: I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest.
  
  ONE MAY SHOW: One did, his name was Gauss.
  
  IT IS WELL KNOWN: See "Mathematische Zeitschrift'', vol XXXVI, 1892.
  
  CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
  
  SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify the details, so I'll break it down into parts I couldn't prove.
  
  HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
  
  BRUTE FORCE: Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, and a partridge in a pair tree.
  
  SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.
  
  ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject, and is less than ten lines long.
  
  SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
  
  CANONICAL FORM: 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for the answer.
  
  THE FOLLOWING ARE EQUIVALENT: If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing...
  
  BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it, I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right, then the rest of this follows.
  
  TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion.
  
  BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
  
  LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board because I'll make a mistake.
  
  PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.
  
  QUANTIFY: I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is 0.
  
  FINALLY: Only ten more steps to go...
  
  Q.E.D. : T.G.I.F.
  
  PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, it's true.
  
  A Math Romance
  
  They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, because it was an improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. She approached her ex, so they diverged.
  
  Top Ten Reasons to Become a Statistician
  
  10. Deviation is considered normal.
  9. We feel complete and sufficient.
  8. We are mean lovers.
  7. Statisticians do it discretely and continuously.
  6. We are right 95% of the time.
  5. We can safely comment on someone's posterior distribution.
  4. We may not be normal but we are transformable.
  3. We never have to say we are certain.
  2. We are honestly significantly different.
  1. No one wants our jobs.
  
  Top Ten Math Major Pick-Up Lines
  
  10. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
  9. Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity or time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
  8. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
  7. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
  6. Wanna come back to my room....and see my 733mhz Pentium?
  5. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
  4. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
  3. I wish I was your derivative because then I would be tangent to your curves.
  2. I hope you know set theory because I want to intersect you and union you.
  1. Would you like to see my log?

  • Posted Sep 22, 2008 2:15 pm PT
  • Category: Humor
  • 9 Comments
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