All About xsonicchaos
There's no way around the truth! Except lying. And avoinding to tell the truth. Ok, there are ways around the truth and my awesome caption didn't work as well as I planned.
Ah, the good ol' days when Bruce Willis was younger and his constant smug was more than tolerated. It is true that Willis is one of the few mokeys in Hollywood that's actually trained in the art of entertaining other monkeys, but it's not funny anymore. You can't just giggle every frikin time a reference pops up in the dialogue. By the way, the dialogue is a clichee extravaganza. It's like they ripped every page from a boring book and banged it with a hammer over the keyboard. Anyway...
Here's an image that describes the whole movie.
Watching a premiere in my country is apparently like watching fireworks in some hobo's a**. My girlfriend wanted to go to a movie and we had only too choices: Hansel und Grettel.... or the latest entry in the Dies Hard franchise. Yeah. Of course I couldn't have expected a great movie after the whole milking of the series and Willis is obviously having lots of fun througout the movie to even care. He's not even the main protagonist anymore. Remember Indiana Jones and te Crystal thingy? Remember how we all wished deep inside that we could sneak behing Shia LeBoots and snap his neck? No? Just me? Nevertheless, It's like that in A God Day to ah, to damn with it, we'll just call it Die Hard 5. Only worse. You can barely see John McLane from behind his son's eagerness to fill in the shoes. No, really. There's even a scene at the end that I won't spoil where it becomes obvious.
Let me first get comfy, because I feel like I went way ahead of myself. Once I sat down in the chair, I realise there's a tall bloke in front of me that's blocking half the screen. Why is there every time I go to see a movie there's a tall guy making out with his tall girlfriend in front of me? Is this a conspiracy like the one where they strategically place a baby in the plane? "Excuse me, kind sir!", I said to him in a monotone and polite voice, "could you please lower thyself a bit so I can read the subtitles? Thank you for thy benevolence!". He seemed like he agreed, but just nudged a bit and started making out with the lady next to him. "Hey, friendo!", insisted I, "how about you make a little bit more effort? I know you're a big fellow and I may be puny, but how about we switch places and I'll wear a porcupine as a hat?" Never had problems with him for the rest of the movie. And what is it with young people and poity hairdo? Gel is useful when your hair makes you look like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber, but stop recreating battle scenes from Lord of the Rings on your head if you plan on going to the theater. I can't even imagine how awkward it must have been for Mr T.
On with the movie. It's a Die Hard movie on par with the latest action flicks starring Steven Seagull, that wrestling guy and Dolph Lundgren. The plot starts simple enough, with McLane going in Russia to... well, they don't tell you at the start, although it wouldn't be a spoiler if you've watched any trailer, but let's go with the flow. It looks like something tragic has happened and McLane takes a vacation to Russia. Russia... And that's Willis' line for the rest of the movie, "I'm in vacation", like a parrot in a cage. Oh yeah, and "Remember when uncle Harry touched you in that special place..." no one cares. I have not come here to watch "alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him", don't fool yourselves. Those awful boring bonding moments between McLane and his son (oops spoiler alert) are obviou fillers for the lack of money for more bad CGI. So yeah, it turns out McLane actually travels to Moscow after being informed that his son is in some kind of trouble and he tries to help. Well, I would have never doubt it, but as it turns out later, that very first scene in the movie is a huge plot hole. There's nothing to be spoiled here as the whole plot has been covered in the trailer. So here's how it goes...
Four minutes in and there's a huge explosion. Wait, let's start this again: random stuff happening and no one gets it, singing russian taxi driver, LOUD NOISES, plot hole, shenanigans. Also be prepared to be twisted like a twisted twist on a drunk spinning twister. Here's homework: before going to see the movie, write on a napkin whatever you think it will happen in it. U psychic yet? No, well get a load of this: remember how McLane suddenly became a professional truck racer in the last movie? Now he's doing drifts with a truck while avoiding rockets and slaloming through incoming traffic. And no one was impressed, more so when he eventually couldn't get the achievement he was after and landed face front on the asphalt. It was clear the accident turned his brains into mush when he started waving his extremities at cars in the middle of the road asking to steal them. This might work in 'murica with a badge over your head like in Sims, but I will give credit to the film makers for the realism of this scene. After acquiring another vehicle to drive on conveniently placed ramps over busses, trucks and other people's expensive goods, McLane catches up with his son and his weird russian grandpa Vania or what's his name and saves them from an unknown fate. If you really care to know, the whole chasing sequence ends with a picture of a photoshopped brick.
The things is, how it turns out, McLane's son is not a common crook, but some kind of new age spy or something (covered in the trailer) and the old russian guy holds some secret file about someone important that's somehow involved in the Chernobyl disaster. But it's deeply hidden in the a** of Pripyat, in a radioactive bank's deposit box that can only be opened with a weird twisted key hidden in somewhere only the old guy knows about and the bad guy wants the file so he can burn it. What? So here we go to get the damn key. There's a scene in an elevator where the old russian guy notices how McLane seems like he's done this before. We all sat there in silence as they sat there in silence and I could see Willis' smug in all its mightiness waiting for the next stupid f**ing one liner. I never saw it coming right from Johnny Jr's mouths: "I could have done it better" he said. You f**ing retarded prick Weren't you the one hiding behind a pair of dirty briefs a couple of minutes ago while your father went all Rambo on the most dumbest platoon of special forces? Because I recall how McLane landed in the middle of one lame Christmas party a long time ago, barefooted on broken glass, with a lighter, a pop gun and his undershirt and still managed to take the terrorists out one by one, while going up and down inside a skyscraper. But now the writers got so lazy they created a scene where one pushes a button and a bunch of bad guy drop like flies. That's not a metaphor, it really happens in the movie. It was then when I said to myself that I should step up, yell like my hands are on fire "f**k this f**king movie" and walk out like I own the place. But I was too afraid that people will judge me and toss me in the naughty corner for being such a ponce and thus I sat there through the whole movie, cringing and cursing silently, hoping that someone will hear me and kick me out. It never did happen. We must sit in our chairs and enjoy the spectacle just like overeducated chimpanzees with top hats watch gorillas performing can-can. And once in a while they throw bananas at the public just like saying "here's your gunfights and here's your explosion, that's why you came here, you w**ker and stop your whining". I read a review about this movie somewhere and the bulls**ter was praising the heck out of it in such an overly realistic manner, he couldn't understand it: "everyone in the audience was cheering at the end, we all clapped and whistled at the wonderful acting and it was a delight seeing people dancing on the chairs and tossing feces at each other." That's bollocks. My experience was totally different, as in everyone mumbling in a successive manner, shacking heads in disappointment, just like Bruce Willis acted this whole movie pretending to be that "son, I am disappoint" meme.
You can stop here if you're still eager to see the movie for the first time, but I have to SPOIL some of the plot in the next part. So here's your SPOILER ALERT!
The whole story that occurs after McLane first encounters his son in Moscow is loosely based on the fact that McLane delays his son's perfect escape plan for about 10 seconds. As it turns out in the end, the really bad guy was always the old creepy russian they insist on carrying around. You see, the old man only pretends to be the good guy, while in fact he was trying to trick the bad guy into getting him where he wants. And after a whole hour (I guess) of driving from Moskow all the way to Pripyat, Ukrain, it turns out there was no file, but in fact there's some kind of Solomon's tomb inside the bank that only old man Vidia new about in which he hid a lot of nuclear material. It also turns out these terrorists have come up with some kind of gas that has the ability to teleport radiation to another dimension. And here's the wild part: this old guy is so bad that after he shoots a worse person point blank in the face, he unloads the entire clip in his corpse. But here come the McLanes to the rescue of the world. Remember the time when Allan Rickman tried to fool John into thinking he's just a victim? They do. How awesome was that scene, right!? And Allan Rickman? Forget about it! No, but they do the same thing in this movie and they even try to pull it twice. The first time, meh. But the second time it's when they meet again with the old man not knowing he's the actual mastermind, the old guy starts coughing and leaning on the crates like he's suddenly been struck by the coughing syndrome. A two year old kid would have thrown poop at the screen. Of course, McLane senior realizes that he's crooked and thus the end battle starts. But there was an army when they came, and now there are only three people: the old man, his dastardly daughter and a naked guy that looks like Dwayne Johnson. I prefer to call him Dwayne Johnson. "Ah" I said to myself, "there are going to be some headbutts in this movie". But there were none. In fact, Dwayne dies like a sissy girl in a ball of gas fire. And I can tell you for sure that's not how the combustion dynamics of gas fire behaves. I have an academic diploma in such matters, you see.
The thing is, to keep this as short as I can, the old guy planned this whole thing from the beginning of the movie (even longer, 1986 presumably), but wagering all on the random encounter of McLane and his son when McLane f**ked up his son's plan by 10 or so seconds. Okay, let's say that's not important, but then how come McLane has found out about his son if he was an undercover CIA agent all the time. But as it has been proven, the CIA are just a bunch of amateur w**kers. And then there's the last scene with the helicopter when ooh, aah, beautiful splosions!
Contains a lot of cussing, not my own fault!
Please don't take it personal. I've got nothing against your initial impressions on this game. Let me tell you what it made me feel like. I'll start with all the bad things and end with the good stuff, so you leave here in a somewhat better mood. There are no spoilers here and if you haven't played the demo yet or you just can't, I hope this might give y'all some ideas of what it's all about.
The characters. Dante. Remember how he was a smug and always acted like a douche in the past games? That never bothered me a bit. This time, Dante is such a lame show off of a bad ass character wannabe, you wouldn't know wheter to hate or feel bad for him. First, Tim Phillips is the actor behind his voice and look-alike (I think), David de Lautour plays Virgil and Sage Mears is a girl named Kat. You guys should google them, or better not. These are the most annoying cast of voice actors in a game ever. And the dialogues are just plain awfull. Let's just say the story isn't exactly highly cerebral and the guys that wrote it probably took themselves too serious. But that's not the bad part, I'll return to this point in the "good" paragraph. The worst things ever that made me cringe are the idiotic dialogues "complimented" by these Jersey Shore-like actors. Let me give you some examples, I'll do my best to recreate the scene:
Demon (has a name but don't want to spoil): "Who are you?" (so far so good)
Dante: "I'm your prom date, you ugly sack of shet!" (like that, with "e", try spelling it)
Demon: "WHO THE F**K ARE YOUUUUUUUU!?" (exactly how the writers wrote it in the subtitles, plus or minus a "U") *the demon pukes green vomit all over the place*
Dante *jiggles around like a jackass*: "You missed. My name, by the way, is Dante."
Demon: "Dante? Son of Sparda? And Eva the whoooorrrreeee" (4 "o", 4 "r" and 4 "e", swear to God that these are the subtitles) *also lots of vomit*
Dante *bows like a sissy girl*: "Yep. But you can call me Dante the demon killer. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Demon *rubs face*: "You want to kill me? You can't kill me! I'm twelve hundred years old!"
Dante: "You don't look a day over twelve thousand."
Demon *gets angry*: F**k You!"
Dante: F**k You!"
Demon *oh, it's on now*: F**K YOUUUUUU..." *vomits all around*
*dubstep on as the battle starts*
I s**t you not, that's an actual dialogue from the DMC demo. One of the worst, I have to admit, but even the best coversations or monologues have this feel to them as they were written by a bunch of twelve old kids on drugs. Kat is a hooded misterious chick that walks like a tease on the middle of the street, but doesn't want to attract the atention of ominous presences that supposedly watch from the shadows of technology. Her voice is unbearable. I don't know the entire context, but it was looking like Kat and Dante were on a date and they felt the urge to take a stroll. But then Dante slaps the can of soda from a fat guy's hand on the account that "It will kill you" and all Hell breaks loose. Literally!
And here we start with the good part of the game. The actual gameplay is okay. If you're wondering, I played on a PS3. There are a few great combinations of buttons that deliver awesome combat moves and series of combos. The Ivory and Ebony guns are here as well and very usefull, but feel just a bit underpowered. Also, Dante has his sword, Rebellion, that does a great deal of pain. But after you get the feel on the Arbiter (Devil mode) and Osiris (Angel mode) scythes, you rarely use Rebellion. The difficulty is nothing but a change in enemy toughness, and after you finish any of the 3 difficulty settings (Human, Devil hunter, Nephilim) you unlock a hardcore mode named Son of Sparda. Every higher difficulty takes longer to beat enemies, but if you learn to evade and dodge, you'll be okay even on the hardest setting. I have not tried Son of Sparda difficulty yet, but I can bet it's not that hard. The boss is awfull: jump when attacks, change platform when pukes, mash buttons, use the Arbiter to defeat. That's it. At it's core, it's still a Devil May Cry game, no one can argue with that. The gameplay is exactly the same as the previous game, but with a chase cam. The artwork is something special. In the end, I could get into it and I bet there's a lot of diversity throughout the game and story, even challenge, but so far what let me down are the awkward characters with their Hannah Montana dialogues and voices that fully captures the image of today's "yolo" generation. I'm not that old myself, but sometimes I think that after this earth is scorched and some alien archeologists come to this planet and discover The Hills, Honey Boo Boo and DMC in some bunker next to some teenage skelletons, they'll most certainly ask themselves "dafuq was wrong with this species?"
What is piracy? Why does it exist? And why should we care? Well, none of this matters because we all know the facts. I, like you all, don't give a damn about other people's bussinesses and the reasons behind statistics. The most important question then should be "why am I writing this?". Ranting. Yes, I sometimes get tired of ranting that I have to rant about it.
The fact is, people don't want to pay for something they can get for free. Like video games, PC mostly, but there's no shortage in the console department. Money is a problem for most of us and hard earned cash is best spend wise. Gaming is not what is used to be, that's for sure. We're not buying games just for kids or for the whole family anymore, we're buying them for the whole gaming community. Don't get me wrong, the game is yours, the case with the disc inside or the digital download you paid for is yours until you lose it.... or torch it. But every product we buy today has a huge impact on what the future of that product will look like. Indeed, this is how it has been working for decades inthe gaming industry. Or has it? No, there was passion and innovation back when developers actually cared about their creation, about what gamers think of the game they made. After some time, developers started shifting towards pure marketing, gaming became nothing else but bussiness, no passion, little innovation. I can't pin a date when that started happening, but I guess piracy has a role to play in it.
Is it the intrusive protection that some publishers insist to implement in their releases that has a repeling effect on gamers? I remember some Atari 2600 cartridges had some sort of protection that required inserting a code from the manual, from a specific page and line on that page. That was annoying. But wait, persistent online authentication? limited install activations?? software tampering??? Wait what? The game turns you into a bird if it's detected as being pirated? That's rich! But no, as much as we would want, no DRM has that much of a damage over a game that it's better downloading it from a torrent site. Some pirated versions actually make more damage than any DRM. Blizzard has an efficient enough protection, but online authentications became the nicest of them all. I've come to grow fond of Uplay, Origin and Steam after bashing the hell out of them.
Steam has probably the best digital protection out there and it's a great platform to buy games from. Even if you're a hardcore collector like me. I prefer a solid case with a disc inside, especially if it has a figurine or some other goodies. But Steam has your back if you don't mind digital purchases. You've got everything in one place: an incredible amount of demos, you get them day one, a great interface, mindblowing deals and even free games once in a while. Not to mention the awesome comunity and social interactivity. Also achievements. There's a lot to say about Steam and it's alternative to cracks, but we're getting off track. Steam should remain a subject for some other time. GFWL sucks though.
Anyway, if you act like a priest and tell gamers about the sin that is piracy, they'll start feeling reprimanded. My personal issue is not the stollen intelectual property -- that's someone else's job --, but I have the feeling that we're losing much more than money on game nowadays. Honestly, great quality games come fewer and fewer as the time passes. And it's not that good games take time, Duke Nukem Forever has proven that is not the problem. The problem is that publishers give their product a value, even if that value is subjective from one individual to another. Some don't think a game deserves 60 bucks and will download the game for free. I think publishers accepted this fate and took advantage of this: make a 4 hour campaign and an unlimited multiplayer mode, also just a small upgrade to the graphical engine if it's a sequel. It takes little effort and less money release the game in this form and later update it in the form of downloadable contents for which the same customers will gladly pay. Flawless marketing strategy. You'd think the gaming industry didn't get here because of piracy, but because we buy every crappy game that gets released. There's nothing more false. Why wouldn't you make a better product if your previous product sold like hot bread? How many of you heard of City Interactive and how many of you that heard of them actually bought and played a game from them? How many even bothered to download a pirated copy of their games? Those are bad games.
Publishers prefer consoles because of their native protection, although second-hand games has become an issue as well. As you can see, every sold game counts. Console games are expensive, while PC games are cheaper. Even bad porting seems like a marketing strategy. Why buy a bad PC port of GTA IV at $49.99, when you can buy the real thang for $60?
We can't all buy games that come out in a month, some even get released the same week, but that's the beauty of it. I've made a list of games that I have to buy. I had to leave behind a lot of good games for other and of course I'm behind in some areas in contrast to the GameSpot staff and most of you guys, but I'll get there. In fact, now that I think of it, I have a lot of games that I've barely touched. So I leave you guys with a few questions: is it worth buying a game? isn't it great playing a deathmatch without cheaters? isn't it great playing online? aren't Steam achievements incredibly awesome?
My Recent Reviews
Hugh Laurie's live performance of his new single "You don't know my mind!"
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Opening intro from the game Twin Sector. This movie shows bad voice acting, bad animations, bad scripting and provides bad expectations.
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